Tag Archives: Jayson Werth

I’ve Seen Things, I’ve Seen Them With My Eyes, Like Nationals Winning Games

Image

This is the shirt they gave away, featuring Mr. Met and, uh, I’m not good with faces… Kinda looks like Derek Bell?

Nationals 6, Mets 4

I finally got to attend a Nationals-Mets game that the Nationals won. How weird is it that I had to use the word finally? That’s like going to the mall and then leaving and saying, “I finally got to go to the mall without being attacked by a giraffe.” It’s not something you would’ve expected to happen multiple times before, much like the Mets beating the Nats, but somehow it did.

For a while though, it looked like the Nationals would greatly disappoint me again. Through 7 innings, Ian Desmond was the only one who had done anything good. If the rest of our team was made up of quadruple amputees, this would be acceptable. But since the team is not all quadruple amputees, Desmond being to only one to succeed is frustrating. Thankfully the Mets “Metsed,” and had a terrific collapse that allowed the Nats to come out on top.

Continue reading

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Two Ross Make a Right: A Rockies Series Recap

Game 1:

Image

The crowd applauds Jayson Werth for finally looking up. I find it amazing he never looked up before this game. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Rockies 8, Nationals 3

Every day when I go to work I experience a bit of midday exhaustion. Sitting in front of a computer can be pretty draining, so after about 5 hours my eyes feel heavy and I begin to crash. That being said, when I start getting tired, I do not break every computer in the office and burn it to the ground.

Dan Haren has a different approach of how to react to a midday crash at work. An approach that is arguably worse than burning an office building to the ground resulting in the death of dozens of employees: ALLOWING TWO HOME RUNS AND SUCKING IN GENERAL.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

WERTH. HERE. ESPINOSA. GONE. RENDON. HERE. RODRIGUEZ. GONE. KROL. HERE. DUKE. GONE. OH. SHIT.

Image

My mind.

Where to begin… Well, I was born in New York City, and grew up in…

Oh, right. I meant, where to begin about these transactions.

Well, Jayson Werth is back from injury, Anthony Rendon is back after a few starts at AAA at 2B, and Ian Krol is here. I guess Krol Show got canceled or something and he needed a new job.

But some surprising corresponding moves happened, that were also well deserved.

Henry Rodriguez was designated for assignment. The team offered to get him a limo to the airport, but they decided to not spend the money since they know how much he likes walking.

Zach Duke is gone as well. Poor Zach Duke. We dedicated a week to you, and now this. Well hopefully you find happiness elsewhere, although I’ve been to Harrisburg and aside from the diner, not much made me smile.

Lastly, and most surprisingly, Danny Espinosa seems to have vanished. We know he couldn’t have gone far, since he doesn’t know how to walk. We’re all still waiting to hear what exactly happened, but it’s hard to believe that our double play combo is Despinosa could be over. What now? Desbardozzi? Desdon? Yeah, sure, those will be more productive. But if a baseball player doesn’t have a good nickname, is he really even that good? That’s why Rich Garces is the 10-time defending Cy Young and Strasburg isn’t.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

New York on Sunday, Nats Offense Taking a Nap

Image

What a bad teacher.

Final Score: Mets 2, Nationals 0.

Belle of the Ball: Anthony Rendon. Rendon had a terrible debut, going 0 for 4 and making an error. But there’s no reason to hurt his confidence now. We need to support him in this new experience, and give him our praise hoping he will become a star.

But if he ever goes 0 for 4 again I will disown him.

Smell of the Ball: Jayson Werthless. Get what I did there with the name? It’s a funny pun, since his name is Werth and he is HORRIBLE SO HORRIBLE, WHY WOULD YOU SWING AT A 3-0 PITCH WHEN THE PITCHER WASN’T THROWING STRIKES. COULD YOU BE MORE STUPID? THE ANSWER IS NO, UNLESS YOU WENT BACK INTO THE CLUBHOUSE AND SCRAPED PAINT OFF THE WALL AND JUST ATE IT FOR HOURS, WHICH IS NOW WHAT I’M GUESSING YOU DID BECAUSE YOU DO NOTHING THAT MAKES SENSE. WE COULD HAVE HAD THE BASES LOADED AND 0 OUT BUT INSTEAD THE WORLD IS OVER AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

———-

2013-04-21_11-30-06_137

Henry Rodriguez finds comfort in another man who has trouble throwing strikes.

Today was Ron Darling Bobblehead Day at Citi Field. Many teams have special tributes to the players honored with the toy during these games. The Phillies recently hosted a Lenny Dykstra bobblehead day where food vendors would take all the money in your wallet when you tried to pay for something. The Cardinals, during Ozzie Smith bobblehead day, all tried to do backflips, resulting in serious neck injuries for most. And of course how could we forget the Giants’s Fred Merkle bobblehead day, where every player had to play with a boner.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Whoaaa ohh no-no-no. Oh-oh-ohhh oh no-no-no: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

Image

This guy just stood there like this during the whole game. It was weird. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Braves 6, Nationals 4

Drew Storen should be using Bad Company as his entrance music. No, not the song he currently uses, but rather a song from the Sondheim musical Company, performed very badly to prepare us for the performance that Storen will then have. We could even take liberties with some lyrics to, again, better reflect Storen’s contributions to the team.

What we do without Drew? Win like we usually do.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Nats Acquire Denard Span

Image

Denard’s mother believes having discipline is important for baseball, and still believes in spankings to enforce it. Denard is not fond of spankings. Or as his mom calls them, “SPANkings.”

The Nationals pulled off a big trade just minutes ago, acquiring Denard Span from the Twins for pitching prospect Alex Meyer. The team has been trying to find a solid CF for a few years, and have made many attempts at Denard during that Span of time. The (front) Office has done good by bringing in Denard Dog.

Span has dealt with injuries for a few years, but when playing he’s a big on-base threat and a quality fielder. While this would be a good acquisition for any team, it means a lot for the Nationals. The move allows Werth and Harper to move to the corner outfield spots, making Morse or Moore a valuable trade chip, and the re-signing of LaRoche not such a sure thing. I’m sure Adam would be worried about what this means for his future with the Nats, if he hadn’t already been distracted by 3 separate topics in the last 5 minutes.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

NLDS Game 4: Walk Off: The Jayson Werth Story

Image

The black power salute doesn’t send the same message coming from Jayson. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Did the Nats win: Was Onannes a fish-goddess of Chaldean myth? (Yes)

Was it fun to watch: The ending was as gratifying as sex. Only this was the first time I’ve felt satisfied thanks to a man’s powerful wood.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A lingering uncertainty as the best way to go about explaining the excitement-induced mess I made in my pants to the laundromat.

On a day where most of the country watched two of our leaders debate some of the most contentious issues that impact our nation, there is one issue that is certainly not for debate: Jayson Werth is the greatest baseball player of all-time. If you don’t agree with that you’re probably from the past, when Jayson Werth was nothing more than a loathsome hairy man who spent most of his time in Philadelphia. But as that role has been filled by Scott Hartnell, Jayson has found his new place as the single greatest baseball player to ever live.

Many Nationals have often vied for the title of greatest in the past. Some examples:

  • Livan Hernandez – Greatest Caloric Intake.
  • Nick Johnson – Greatest Mustache (Sarcastically).
  • Joey Eischen – Greatest pitcher of all-time.

Not all of them won, like poor Joey, who fell just a tad short. But even as Livan and Nick succeeded, their “greatest” titles didn’t mean much in the long run (aside from taking a few years off Livan’s life). Jayson, on the other hand, is the first National who can proudly claim that he is the greatest without anyone arguing the fact, because I don’t listen to other people’s opinions.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

NLDS Game 1: Moore’s Utopia

Image

“Ooo, they are cold!” (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Did the Nats win: Depends what you mean by win.

Was it fun to watch: When I wasn’t gouging my eyes out.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: Oh no oh no oh no oh no WAIT OH YEAH OH YEAH!!!

Sometimes things take a while to get going. It takes time for an oven to heat up, it takes time for me to muster up the courage to look at a picture of Tom Gorzelanny, and it takes time for the Nationals to realize that they should stop doing so poorly in the biggest game in this team’s history. But you know, that’s easy to forget to do. Despite getting out on top early on, the Nationals did not play at a major league level. They didn’t even play at a Houston Astros level.

This game was all about incompetence. 2 of the 3 lead changes were not thanks to impressive baseball skill, but rather miserable failure. Well, one of the failures was miserable. The other might have seemed like a silly thing to do, but in reality helped the more powerful group claim what they wanted. I would compare Pete Kozma’s error to appeasement towards the Nazis. It gave the Nats just a little, after which they took a lot. Now I don’t really like comparing the Nationals to the Nazis. But just like the Nazis, the Nationals don’t support smoking within their homeland, so there certainly are similarities.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ross the Dross: Nats Remain Short of Division Title with Addition of Bad Pitching

Image

I’m fine with Kurt Suzuki having a foot fetish, but I’d rather he keep it private. (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Final Score: Cardinals 10, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: .1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Good job relieving Wang. Not many people on this team are willing to help out other guys by doing that, most of them are more interested in girls.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: Loss, 2.1 IP, 4 H, 5 BB, 7 R (3 ER), 3 K. A Missouri native, Ross was certainly excited about starting his home state. Sadly he was so excited that he was finished way too early.

———-

*Bell ringing*

Teacher: Alright class, now take your seats. I heard you’ve been having a little bit of trouble becoming division champs, so I was asked by Mike Rizzo to teach you some math. Now I know what some of you are saying. What does being good at division have to do with winning your division? Well, they involve the same word. And that’s how English works, right? I don’t know, I’m a math teacher. Let’s begin. We’ll start with attendance. Jayson?

Werth: Here.

Teacher: Hi Jayson, nice to meet you. Gio?

Gio: Here.

Teacher: Nice to meet you as well, Gio. Tom?

Gorzelanny: Here.

Turning head towards Tom.

Teacher: Hi Tom, it’s great t-AHHHHHH! WHAT IS THAT? Ok, um, let’s just skip introductions and move onto the division.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

They’re Not Werthy: Phillies on Brink of Elimination As Nats Gas ‘Em

Image

Sorry Bryce and Jayson, but Carlos has to be between you two for you to perform an “Eiffel Tower” properly. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Phillies 4.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-5, 1 R, 1 3B, 1 HR, 3 RBI. Bryce got the two hardest parts of a cycle to get tonight. Hardest because they are the most difficult athletically, and also getting to third and home is a little more arousing than getting to the prior bases.

Shame of the Game:

Kyle Kendrick: Loss, 2 IP, 5 H, 2 BB, 4 ER, 1 K. Can drick. Can’t pitch.

———-

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

The sound torments Jayson. A constant barrage of this guttural tone echoes in his ear every time he returns to his old home. Although it’s hard to imagine he ever called this place home. Home is somewhere you can find comfort. All he finds here anymore is…

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , ,