Tag Archives: Jesus Flores

Habemus Rapem: Worthy Contenders from the Americas End European Control Over Church of Baseball

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Look at that great framed photo of Jesus Flores.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 5, Italy 4.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Election of Jorge Mario Bergoglio to the Papacy.

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We here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram always try to keep up with the trendiest, most current stories. That’s why we’re developing a hilarious Macarana parody, so get ready.

But there is no bigger story currently in the news than the election of the new Pope. Pope Francis I is very notable, in that he marks the first time a Pope has come from the Americas, ending centuries of European domination. While in the case of the 2013 WBC it was only a few days of Italian domination, we still think the metaphor applies. Plus I really wanted to use this title, so I thought I’d go with it.

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Today is Apparently National Kiss a Baseball Player Day

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He’s on top of things.

According to many people on twitter, today is National Kiss a Baseball Player Day. Or rather, #NationalKissABaseballPlayerDay. People don’t have time to breathe between words anymore.

MLB.com even acknowledged it as something to seemingly exist. I don’t really know where it came from, but if Christmas is a National holiday then this should totally be one as well. I mean if we get days off of work to honor Jesus’ birth, why can’t we get a day off to honor a romantic act that could lead to the birth of another Jesus? Assuming Flores wants to name his son Jesus Jr.

Now I found out about this day so late that I missed nearly 22 of the 24 hours available to kiss a baseball player. I have 2 hours and 30 minutes left to kiss a baseball player and I don’t know where I can possibly find one. I can go get my brother who plays high school baseball, but that would be weird in a way that kissing a strange major leaguer you come across on the street is not.

If you live in the suburban area around New York let me know if you are a baseball player looking to be kissed. Even though I am not gay, I will probably do it just to say I kissed a baseball player. One time I used a bathroom at the same time as Goose Gossage, but that definitely wasn’t as intimate as it could have been. So let’s make something out of this day Mariano Rivera/Bernie Williams/other people around here.

This message is not directed towards Tom Gorzelanny.

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Tom Gorzelanny Not Tender Enough

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Ladies.

Like John and Jesus before him, Tom Gorzelanny has been non-tendered by the Nationals. This is a huge loss. Not for the team, longmen can be easily replaced. But for us, here on this blog. All kidding aside, Tom was a decently valuable piece of the Nationals pen this year. But with kidding considered, Tom was a hugely valuable source of jokes for this blog in the past year.

We had our fun with Davey Johnson being old, and Tyler and Drew’s bullpen romance. But no jokes were quite as common and as powerful as those about Tom Gorzelanny’s attractiveness. It’s easy to be witty and come up with good clever satire. But to make constant jokes about someone’s physical appearance, well, that’s the sign of a true comedic genius. But now, without Tom’s inspiration to repeat the same joke a dozen times a week, what are we to do? Come up with thoughtful, clever comments? Ha, I’ll have you know that I come from the comedy school of Dat Phan and would never think of such a thing.

For all that Tom gave us, I feel it is right to give him a proper sendoff. Good luck, Tom. Good luck finding a new team that sees the potential you have. I know it might be tough, given nobody really wants to look at you that closely. But if you’d like, I’ll give you a recommendation. Just please use the phone and don’t show up at my house like that one time. I know it was Halloween, but that’s still no excuse to be that terrifying.

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Run, Jesus Flores

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He’s not taking it well.

In a series of non-tenders, the Nationals have let Jesus Flores go. Jesus, I’d thank you for all you did for this team… but there’s no time. Run.

Run while you can! You can escape being a catcher for the Nationals! Don’t look back!

Didn’t you see what happened to Wilson and Sandy and Carlos? It was going to happen to you too. If you stay too long, I can’t guarantee your safety. It might be hard leaving Washington, but know that the team is doing this for your safety. Find a safer place. Like behind home plate in Arizona, or Minnesota.

Just run. Don’t let the Curse of the Catcher catch you.

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Edwin-ter is Coming: Jackson’s Orgasmic Performance Freezes Cards Offense

“Okay, how who did it. Who took my last pop tart. Fess up before I get really angry.” (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Cardinals 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 H, 2 BB 10 K. In the Game of Throws, you Ed-Win or you Ed-die.

(I told you I had a nearly-inexhaustible supply of Game of Thrones puns.)

Shame of the Game:

Jamie Garcia: 5.1 IP, 6 ER, 9 H, 2 K. (SPOILER) Jaime just hasn’t been the same since he got his pitching hand cut off.

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Yeeeeeeeah…that’s the stuff.

This game was essentially the polar opposite of the last game I wrote about. Everything that was soul-crushing about Tuesday’s game was soul-enhancing about this one. After watching just a few innings of this game, I already felt like my soul was improving by leaps and bounds and I had moved several steps closer to enlightenment. By the time the Nats had won, nirvana and the true end of all suffering seemed just around the corner.

Then the game ended, I realized I really needed to do laundry, and suffering resumed. Disappointing. If I was the type of person to write something like “#natsfanproblems,” this is where I’d do it. But I’m not so don’t you DARE ever say I did. Continue reading

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A Vogelsong of Bryce and Fire: Giants Starter Meets Unexpected, Premature Death

The Giants pitching is not what it used to be. (Jason O. Watson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 14, Giants 2

Dame of the Game:

Everyone. Every man who donned a Nationals uniform last night and stepped on the field was either good or wonderful. Even Kurt Suzuki. Even…Kurt Suzuki. (Even Kurt Suzuki, you ask? Yes. Even Kurt Suzuki.)

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Vogelsong. 2.2 IP, 8 ER, 9 H, 2 BB, 5 K. Longtime readers will note that the title of this post is the second “Song of Ice and Fire” pun title that I’ve made. And don’t worry, all you Zimmerman(n) Telegram/Game of Thrones crossover fans, I’ve already thought of many more, so as soon as the very specific situations required for them to work happen, you’ll get them.

Hint: if Ryan Vogelsong, Bryce Harper, and Mike Fiers ever somehow end up playing in the same game, I will have achieved the ultimate SoIaF baseball joke. Make the trade, Giants and Brewers.

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14 runs is a lot of runs. Too many for me to tell you about all of them. So in lieu of summarizing this game, here are 14 quotes said by various Nationals only in their heads and not out loud during last night’s game.

1. “Okay. Okay. Okay. SKREEEEENGE. Hugahugahugahugahugahugahuga. Okay. Okay. Okay.” –Ryan Zimmerman, hitting an RBI double.

2. “Do work, bro. Get after it. Just be yourself and do it. You’re a big man. You’ve had sex with a girl sort of.” –Bryce Harper, stepping up to the plate.

3. “” –Adam LaRoche.

4. “If I just keep smiling, they’ll never know about my crippling phobia of the Pacific Ocean. Just. Keep. Smiling.” –Gio Gonzalez, between innings.

5. “Man, do I look gooooood today.” –Tom Gorzelanny, looking at himself in the mirror right before he comes in to pitch.

6. “I did it! Hoop! Hip! Yips! I made it go there! The nice man at third base patted my butt! I’ve never been so happy in my life!” –Danny Espinosa, after homering.

7. “Okay, this is it. My big moment to shine. To strike out the side and make the Nationals finally appreciate me and the fans love me. I can do it. I can–huh? What? Where am I?” –John Lannan, waking up from a dream. Continue reading

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Nats Prefer Hand to Johnson in Evening Coupling

Carlos Lee takes a break from the action to read this month’s Cosmo. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Scores: Nationals 7, Marlins 4; Marlins 5, Nationals 2

Dame of the Games:

Adam LaRoche: 3-8, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, BB, K. By which I really mean “Dame of the First Game,” since he went 0-4 in the second, but I checked the “Doubleheader” section of the ponderous Dame and Shame of the Game Rulebook I have sitting next to my computer at all times and I don’t think I’m allowed to hand out that award.

Shames of the Games:

The catchers (Jesus Flores and Sandy Leon): 0-7, 4 K, 7 LOB. Psssst. Hey, Kurt Suzuki! Yeah, you. The worst hitter in the AL. C’mon over here. See if you can’t…do better than these guys.

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For the second straight doubleheader, John Lannan won one game and the Nats lost the other. That’s counter-intuitive in the same way that it would be counter-intuitive if the force of gravity changed into a force that just made people perpetually collide at high speeds with the nearest other person to them. I’d rather have the Lannan thing happen than that though, I guess.

It was, on the whole, a rather unsatisfactory day for the Nats, whose split was marred by an accompanying Braves loss and an NL East lead that can now be counted on two fingers, or even two hands if you don’t know how to count with your fingers. Continue reading

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Are Our Catchers Horribly Injured? Jhonatan Solano Injury Edition

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Solano and the other Nationals catchers crouch before what we’re assuming to be a firing squad, given their luck.

Jhonatan Solano is injured and likely going to the DL. It’s time for another edition of “Are Our Catchers Horribly Injured?”

Jhonatan Solano: Some call his injury just an oblique strain. Some call his injury a fatal illness. Most call his injury just an oblique strain. Solano will likely be placed on the DL soon, marking his first time hurt this season. It was only a matter of time, peer pressure always gets to you.

Sandy Leon: With Solano’s injury, a rehabbed Sandy Leon will likely return. Leon was hurt horribly in his major league debut but has made his way back. He will however be placed in a giant bubble for protection. Some may call this inconvenient for catching and throwing, but I think it’ll be just like a pitchback.

Wilson Ramos: Wilson underwent successful ACL surgery today. I’m surprised by this. Not that it was successful, but that there was even an ACL left there.

Carlos Maldonado: Maldonado has been making his way back from injury and is playing at AAA. The American Airlines Arena? Ugh, everyone is going to the Heat nowadays.

Jesus Flores: Flores has escaped the injury bug for the time being and remains the Nationals starting backstop. But let’s be honest, being a healthy Nationals catcher is like being born in the 1800s. You probably don’t have much time left.

Keep tuning in to find out if our catchers go down with violent injuries.

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Morse Is A Horse, Of Course, Of Course: Mike Stands Tall Over Braves

“Hmm… tastes like… a jersey…” (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Braves 4.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Morse: 4-4, 3 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. The Code turned things around and cracked something himself. That something was a tiebreaking home run in the 8th to put the Nats on top for good. Morse apparently called his shot beforehand, but I thought at the time that drawing lines and dots in the dirt was just an unnecessarily long at-bat ritual.

Shame of the Game:

Chad Durbin: Loss, .2 IP, 2 H 1 ER, 1 K. Durbin: a word made up of the words “dur,” commonly heard by Chad after doing something dumb while pitching, and “bin,” representing a trash bin in which Durbin’s pitches belong. Durbin. Dur.

Bin.

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Today was in large part about Mike Morse. You can tell by the title of this post, which of course relates to the old TV show Mr. Ed. To honor Michael’s big day, I have rewritten the lyrics for the theme to that show:

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Morse is a horse, of course, of course,

And no one can sock like Morse, of course,

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed (Mathews).

Go right to the source and ask Mike Morse,

He’ll give you the homer that you’ll endorse.

He’s always on a steady course.

Gawk at Mr. Morse.

People whackkity-whack the balls, into gloves they stray.

But Mr. Morse will never swing unless he can hit it far away.

Morse is a horse, of course, of course,

And Mike will hit with a great big force.

You never heard of a socking Morse?

Well listen to this: “I’m Michael Morse.”

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Mile Low Showing: Trip Out West Gets Off To a Rockie Start (LOL)

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“Come on Jesus, just lie down and look at the clouds with me!” (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Rockies 4, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Jesus Flores: 3-4, 2 R, 1 2B. High altitudes clearly work well for Jesus. Either that or playing in a ballpark named after a beer. So there are two things to consider. Either Flores has a similar physical makeup to Kenyan marathon runners and thus excels with less available air, or that he drank so much Coors that the urgent feeling of needing to pee coupled with the drunken mindset that made him forget how to use a bathroom made him play with an increased urgency all game. He sure doesn’t look like a Kenyan marathon runner.

Shame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 0-3, 2 HBP. Not only did Danny go hitless today, but he clearly broke some ancient religious law and was sentenced to being stoned. The Rockies didn’t have stones handy, but they just turned up the level in the humidor so the baseballs felt harder.

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Tonight, the first game of a 4-game series between the Nats and Rockies, had a story behind it that could be easily made into a movie. In fact…I think I’ll do just that. I’ll call it…

“Rockie.” The story of a rags to riches Nationals team, a team nobody expected to compete with the big guys the way they have. They find a tough opponent in the form of the heavyweight champion Rockies (who are only the champions at weighing a heavy amount because of Giambi’s giant gut). The Nationals have been trained and led by a relic of the past, Davey Johnson, a man who used to be a big deal in probably the 20s or something. Point is, he’s old, and nobody else thought he’d be of much value. But the Nats have proven everyone wrong by making it to this point.

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