Tag Archives: JFK

Are Our Catchers Horribly Injured? Wilson Ramos Injury Edition

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“I’ll take one injury please.”

Wilson Ramos is injured and going to the DL. It’s time for another edition of “Are Our Catchers Horribly Injured?”

Wilson Ramos: Ramos has a strained left hamstring, but the team believes that he could only miss the minimum amount of time on the DL. Well I believe that JFK was assassinated by a lobster that clamped down on a trigger accidentally, but a lot of people call me crazy for that.

Kurt Suzuki: Suzukis never break down, as long as you maintain them properly. That’s why the team changes Suzuki’s oil every few weeks.

Jhonatan Solano: Solano returns to the team with Ramos going down. He had to be hogtied and carried by a bunch of heavies since he resisted and screamed “Don’t take me back! I like my health! My legs are fine and don’t change it!” But there was no success in resisting.

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Zambrano-a-mano: Ankiel Powers Nats As Other Bats Fall Silent

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Storen watching today's action. He won't take the ball until Johnson says "OK." He's a very well trained man.
(AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Final Score: Nationals 2, Marlins 0.

Dame of the Game:

CO-WINNERS! OH MY GOD CO-WINNERS! It was just too hard to pick today so we’re pulling a little league award ceremony move and giving a bunch of people trophies.

Ross Detwiler: 6 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 7 K, 0 R. The Rottwiler is clearly trained very poorly because he shat all over the Marlins players today. While dog shit is often frowned upon, the Nationals quite appreciated it today. Detwiler was given a big steak, had his belly rubbed by Mike Rizzo, and was presented with a bunch of female dogs to hump as he pleased. Things got awkward…

Rick Ankiel: 3-3, 2 R, 1 HR, 1 2B, 1 RBI. Ankiel was the only good thing about the offense today, nearly single handedly helping the team to victory. His “bat” “came” in handy early, as “The Excessive Masturbator” jacked one out. He also had a celebratory masturbation session after the game.

Shame of the Game:

The Nationals Offense Minus Rick Ankiel: 1-25, 1 BB, 1 RBI, 8 K. Carlos Zambrano manhandled this team worse than his own career, throwing 7 perfect innings to all those who weren’t named Ankiel. To those who were named Ankiel, Zambrano threw a nice exclusive get together with an open bar. How nice of him.

Let’s look at today’s game and say what was good about it.

  • The Starting Pitching
  • The Bullpen

Let’s look at today’s game and say what was bad about it.

  • The Offense

Let’s look at the two “let’s look ats” above this “let’s look at” and say how many games it could apply to this season.

  • Pretty much every one.
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