Tag Archives: Joe Torre

All Akimbrel: U.S. Left With Hands on Hips After Tough Loss

Joe Torre trudges away after failing his country, like he always does.

Joe Torre trudges away after failing his country, like he always does.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 3, United States 1

World Baseball Conflict of the Game:: The American occupation of the Dominican Republic in 1965-66

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I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “How could the U.S. occupation of the Dominican Republic, which lead to an American-favored ruler being installed as President who would rule for two decades, be considered a metaphor for a game in which American was defeated?”

I’ll tell you how, you heartless bastard. No military intervention in another country’s domestic affairs can EVER be considered a victory, because foreign occupations for the sake of American strategic gain are MORALLY REPUGNANT. Even when the other country is in the midst of a civil war, as the DR was in 1965, military action cannot be justified. WHO ARE WE to decide the fate of the Dominican people? WHO ARE WE to decide that they would be better off if they “didn’t have a civil war?”

Lyndon Johnson may have thought he won this war, but his soul was defeated. The ethics of U.S. foreign policy suffered a loss in the Dominican Republic comparable to Craig Kimbrel giving up a go-ahead single to Eric Aybar in the 9th inning last night.

And the United States never recovered from its moral failing. Vietnam, Iraq, Kosovo, Afghanistan, Iraq again, Libya. Not coming back against Fernando Rodney in the bottom of the 9th. Look how far America has fallen from its righteous beginnings.

True victories are not measured in battles won, casualties sustained, or economic and political benefits attained. They are measured by whether we have abided by our moral principles.

And also, runs scored.

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Muerto Rico: U.S. Clobbers “51st State,” Metaphorically Stating That They Suck

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Doesn’t matter, you suck at baseball.

Final Score: USA 7, Puerto Rico 1.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The issue of Puerto Rican statehood.

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“I like the way American flags are designed and that shouldn’t change!”

This excerpt from Joe Torre’s pre-game pep talk proves one thing. Americans are very content with just having 50 states. And that Joe Torre probably enjoys a pre-game cocktail. So, two things.

For a long time, Puerto Rico has kind of just been there, living a decently uneventful life as an American territory. Much like in baseball, where many Puerto Ricans are just kind of there, controlled by American ownership. Just like how Ruben Sierra was controlled by George W. Bush during Bush’s ownership of the Rangers. Only America doesn’t constantly ask Puerto Rico what they think of our dog paintings like Bush did to Sierra.

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THEY TOOK OUR WINS! Mexico Gets Job Done With Cheaper, Harder Working Team

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The fences are pretty low, like in Yankee Stadium. Far too many get out.

Final Score: Mexico 5, USA 2.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: U.S.-Mexico border conflict.

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Throughout the 2000s, Mexicans have taken advantage of weaknesses in the American infrastructure and infiltrated our turf and taken what is rightfully ours. I am of course mostly talking about Mexico somehow continually beating the U.S. in the WBC during important games.

In 2006 Mexico cost the United States a shot at wealth and happiness by stealing away a win in the 2nd round. We tried building up our defenses, creating what we thought was an unbreakable product. But the Mexicans managed to take advantage and find a way to take away what we deserved.

And still today, with Friday’s 5-2 win over the United States, Mexico continues to take what we have worked so hard to achieve, just because they play a more appealing brand of baseball with players who are willing to do things American players aren’t for little money (like bunt runners over).

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