Tag Archives: John Lackey

Maple Leafs Ragged: USA Tops Neighbor to North Which is Ironic Because of Geography

Image

I’m unsure if this is the same animal that the U.S. and Canada fought over, or John Lackey.

Final Score: USA 9, Canada 4.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Pig War.

———-

Pigs. No matter if you’re a normal guy just eating them, or if you’re mark Mark Teixeira and they’re throwing at you high and inside, pigs have a great impact on our lives. So great that the United States and Canada thought they should fight a war because of one. Ok, well maybe it was actually a conflict over disputed islands that was set off because of the death of a pig. But I think it’s a lot less embarrassing to say you were fighting over a pig, because bacon tastes delicious and islands do not.

In 1859, a Northwestern American farmer named Lyman Cutlar found a pig in the garden, eating his tubers. If this doesn’t sound like the start of a softcore porn movie, I don’t know what does. So Cutlar killed the pig. Turns out the pig was owned by an Irishman located in Canadian lands just across the border, who was quite upset. Cutlar offered him $10 to replace the pig, the Irishman demanded $100, and the United States and British-controlled Canada went to war. You know, the traditional way things go when a pig is killed.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dormant Life: R.A. Shuts Down Nats’ Party

Image

Roger Bernadina is really dedicated about playing tag. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Mets 9, Nationals 5.

Dame of the Game:

Drew Storen: 1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Storen came back and was thrown right into the fire and he did not disappoint. Only the fire had been reduced to a handful of small embers by that point, and nobody was really fighting it anymore. So really the only way he could’ve disappointed would have probably been by actually setting the stadium on fire.

Shame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Loss, 3.1 IP, 6 H, 3 BB, 6 ER, 2 K. Gio is not the rock he once was, having clearly experienced severe erosion. We have to prevent this from happening anymore. No more pitching on rainy or windy days, and let’s get working on having Gonzalez declared a National Park for more protection. If only we had a geyser like Raul Ibanez National Park to really sell them:

Image

It rivals Yellowstone’s.

———-

Superstitions are a big part of baseball. Some are unique to baseball like not stepping on the foul line, not talking to a pitcher when he’s throwing a no-hitter, and not high-fiving John Lackey. Actually that last one is more common sense, I think he picks his nose. But one of the biggest superstitions around is the unluckiness of the number 13. This number has proven to be a bit unlucky for both pitchers from Thursday’s matchup, who have encountered trouble in getting their 13th win. Dickey finally achieved it by beating Gonzalez, after weeks of failing to raise his hand when asked “Who wants their 13th win?” Having no UCL certainly has its negatives.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Boston’s Sad Swan (Boat) Song Sweeps Fans Off Feet, Team Off Field

Image

Ian Desmond’s interpretive dance routine caused a 23 minute delay and a decline in attendance. (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Red Sox 3.

Dame of the Game:

Roger Bernadina: 2-4, 1 2B, 1 RBI, 1 SB. Bernadina got the game winning hit, driving in Harper in the top of the 9th with his clutch double. His hit was certainly helped by the hustle of the great, white, Bryce Harper. Shark’s blow felt like a hammer to the head for Red Sox fans, who were already nursing their emotional injuries from failing so far. It was a whale of a loss for Boston, leading to a Nationals sweep. I’m sure the Sox hope they could mako something out of this final game, but they left feeling blue.

Shame of the Game:

Alfredo Aceves: Loss, 1 IP, 1 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 1 K. For a man named after a pasta dish, Aceves surely doesn’t satisfy the Red Sox fanbase in a similar way. Some would say that’s cause he’s not beer and that’s all people from Boston consume, others would say it’s cause he keeps blowing games and is 0-4 on the season. I guess you could say that Alfredo is a real ace in the hole for the Sox. The butthole! Cause he pitches kind of like shit.

———-

The Boston Tea Party. The ride of Paul Revere. The Nationals mid-June 2012 sweep of the Red Sox. In increasing importance, these three events are some of the most iconic happenings in Boston’s history. Washington came into Boston, despite the many minorities on their team that the people there frown upon, and took all three games. Some will say the only reason the Nationals were so dominant is because the Red Sox senses were dulled by their in-game meals. At this point though, I think soberness and healthy food is more of a shock to their system than the current game plan.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Thirty-Third Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. Boston Redd Sox (The Newest Item from the Michael Redd Clothing Line)

Jacoby Ellsbury caught saying "oh" in the sentence, "Oh man, the Nationals are so good."

The end of Spring Training has arrived. Finally, meaningful games with talented players can occur. But part of me still hates to see it go. There’s something therapeutic about watching grown men fight for fame, wealth and happiness, knowing all the while that some have no chance.

The final game of the spring took place in Washington at Nationals Park, and saw the Red Sox beat the Nats 8-7. At least I think that’s what it saw, its vision was a little blurry from all the beer it drank between innings.

The win today slipped through the Nationals’ fingers, probably cause the Red Sox left the baseballs so greasy from all that chicken.

Despite the loss, I’m very excited about the team. Heck, I won’t even think about divorcing myself from this team despite some cancerous players it may have. I’m no John Lackey. Because he did that. He divorced his cancer-stricken wife. Just saying.

Oh he’s so ugly.

Tagged , , , ,

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Tom Gorzelanny

Parents make mistakes.

Some leave children in boxes to die. Others, some would say more, don’t.

One can argue that Tom Gorzelanny’s parents being a part of the latter group, which they sadly were, also makes them part of that very group of parents who make mistakes. What certainly adds his parents to that mistake making collection of people is their poor choice of a name for their one-time newborn and current man who is locked out of family functions.

There are few baseball players that I find to have more disgusting sounding names than Tom’s. It’s not his first name that bugs me, although Tom does literally translate to “anus” in Hungarian. It’s the last name, Gorzelanny, that just gives off the vibe of disgustingness.

Tom is not exactly an attractive man to begin with, but I feel that he could be a great deal uglier. In fact, after experiencing the looks of other ballplayers like John Lackey, I know for certain that Tom could be a lot uglier.

Now one could argue that the last name wasn’t even under consideration in the baby naming process since it is usually just automatically passed down from the parents. Few people know however, that Tom’s parents didn’t have last names and wanted to give their child a chance at success by providing him with a last name, making him seem like a normal human. They certainly gave him that chance, but stripped him of the chance for attractiveness.

So we enter the 2012 baseball season with a National fighting for a starting role, but also for a nice looking face.

I think we all know which of those he’s more likely to accomplish.

The answer is neither. Cause he’s not very good and he’s very ugly.

Tagged , , , ,