Tag Archives: journalism

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Eury Perez

The beginning of what I can only hope is a long and productive career of slamming his head into Mets players’ crotches.

EURY PEREZ’ DARK SECRET EXPOSED

Zimmerman(n) Telegram exclusive: long-hidden origin of Eury Perez’s first name finally revealed.

We have received an explanation of the name from “someone who knew Eury as a child” who only agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity. This is that source’s story:

“Heh, yeah. So Eury wasn’t always called Eury. He used to be named something boring, like John or Steve or Dust-Sock. No, it definitely wasn’t Dust-Sock, that was this other kid. Anyway, so apparently one day when he was like 6 he was just standing on the playground and he accidentally started peeing. Bad timing on his part, cause he’d also forgotten to zip up his fly from the last time he peed and no one told him cause it was funny to watch him walk around with his fly unzipped. But the joke was on them because he peed through his open fly and it went all over everyone. Naturally the pee incident was the only thing he was known for until he started playing baseball.

He went home to cry to his parents about it but they thought it was so funny that they decided to legally change his first name from whatever it was to Urine. Urine Perez. As with all kids with terrible names he had to find a nickname that was less bad, so just as you might change Jonathan to Johnny or Steven to Stevie or Dust-Sock to Dust-Socky, he got people to call him Eury instead of Urine.

I don’t think anyone ever told him that he could legally change his name to something else that doesn’t evoke a horrible childhood memory or the cruelty of his parents. But it’s really funny, so you better not be the one to ruin it.”

Mum’s the word, anonymous source.

This urine-related story has been brought to you by The Zimmerman(n) Telegram. The Zimmerman(n) Telegram: at the forefront of yellow journalism.

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Cubbed to Death: Nats Savagely Beat Chicago With Baseball Bats

The secret to Gio’s success: a diet of only towels.

Final Score: Nationals 9, Cubs 1

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-3, 2 HR, 2 R, 2 RBI, 2 BB. Lotta twos on that line, and only the good kind. Bryce Harper is 2 GOOD 2 BE 2RUE.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki, Michael Morse, and Jayson Werth: 0 HR last two games. C’mon, guys. You were invited to a home run party and you didn’t bring any home runs. Rude!

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It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong. I’m a pretty normal-sized man though, so I won’t. But I do believe that it’s my obligation as a Responsible Journalist to point out that two days ago, I wrote that the Nats offense was bad, bad at the very essence of its being. In the two games since I made that statement, the Nats offense has hit exactly 12 home runs. That is not bad. That is actually fairly ridiculously good.

Who are these guys, the Yankees? God I hope not. Continue reading

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