Tag Archives: kidnapping

Great PR Campaign: Puerto Rican Efforts Persuade US Players to Lose

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Angel Pagan believes he’s a choo-choo train. It’s kind of cute. And also a frightening sign of severe mental illness.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 4, USA 3.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Puerto Rican Campaign of the Spanish American War.

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Americans always look good early on. However whether it’s because of a breakdown in strategy in some sort of competition, or because your metabolism slows down as you age and obesity finally kicks in, the USA tends to look a lot worse in the end. Take the Puerto Rican Campaign of the Spanish American War. America looked dominant early on, taking victories with ease against the Puerto Ricans. But at the very end they floundered, leading to an exit in a region where they could have done a lot more.

Then we look at the WBC. America looked dominant early on, taking victories with ease against the Puerto Ricans. But then in their second game the Americans floundered, leading to an exit in a region where they also could have done a lot more. Friday’s game was strangely similar to the events of the late 1800s for these reasons, and also because a couple fans were taken as POWs. Loria wanted to make sure the stadium was filled next season and had no other options.

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If This Were the Olympics He’d Be Medlen’: Nats Can’t Top Golden Kris

Ross Detwiler is a towelhead. Wait, is that racist? (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: 1.2 IP, 0 ER, K. The fact is, middle relievers only have a chance at this most prestigious award in games that suck. If neither the starting pitcher nor anyone on the offense did anything to stand out, forcing me to delve into the nether reaches of the box score for a Dame, it probably means either the Nats lost or they were playing the Astros. Sadly, they were not playing the Astros.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 0-4, K, Error. I want to love you, Kurt Suzuki, but sometimes you make loving so hard.

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Ugh, I’ve been trying to sweep my floor all day, but I think my brooms are defective. Random side note, had to complain about that to someone. You’d think with all this fancy modern technology they’d be able to make brooms that work, you know?

A dirty floor isn’t the worst of my problems. The Nats lost to the Braves last night, in a game that, had they won, would have put Atlanta practically out of reach of the division title at 8 games back. Sometimes it’s important to put things out of the reach of children, like cookies, guns, and sex toys. The division crown will still be tough for the Braves to grab, but they can at least see it, which means they might be tempted to do something crazy and dangerous like buy a ladder or win all the rest of their games. It would have been safer for everyone if the Nats had not given them the option. Continue reading

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Atlanta Braves Kidnap Chad Durbin

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You can see the fear in his eyes.

The Atlanta Braves announced today that they had signed Chad Durbin, meaning that Ryan Mattheus will likely get the final Nationals spot in the bullpen. While the bullpen controversy has been solved, another one has emerged. The Atlanta Braves and Frank Wren have committed a horrific and illegal act and kidnapped Chad Durbin.

The Nationals have yet to announce Durbin’s release from the team, meaning that he was most likely taken by Chipper Jones in the night. If you see Durbin wearing a Braves uniform and looking happy, it’s probable that he is experiencing Stockholm Syndrome. Please save him and return him to the Nationals.

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