Tag Archives: kisses

A Giant Shit (Named Rafael Soriano)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart's "Don Giovanni" in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart’s “Don Giovanni” in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Game 1:

Giants 8, Nationals 0

Oh, Zach Duke. I’m not mad. I’m just…disappointed. We dedicated a whole week to you this offseason. We did our best to make you feel welcomed and loved in the Nationals family. We took you in off the streets, despite your filthy, mangy hair and rabid foaming mouth. We bathed you, fed you, clothed you, neutered you. We gave you everything we had to give.

And this…this is how you repay us? 4 ER in 3 IP?  How could you be so ungrateful? I will not strike you, Zach Duke. I will not even raise my voice.

But I never want to see you again, Zach Duke. Begone from this place, and do not return.  Continue reading

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At-LAN-ta Party: Nats Counter-Strike Braves to Split Series

Game 1:

A Braves fan tries to create a large-scale version of his weirdly shaped penis. (AP Photo/John Amis)

Braves 3, Nationals 2

This series started out kinda bad. The Nationals hadn’t beaten the Braves since dinosaurs walked on the moon (Date: August 22, 2012; Dinosaur: Apatosaurus). And in this game, they kept not beating them. Kinda bad, as I said.

Another thing wrong with this game was that Stephen Strasburg got injured. Not a big deal, you know. Just some forearm tightness. I mean, who cares? It’s just Stephen Strasburg. We have at least several other pitchers. Besides, my forearm gets tight all the time. It’s just a tight kind of muscle. Maybe they just meant that his forearm was tight, like, in the way that people use the word to talk about cool things? You hear that all the time on the streets, people walking around saying to each other “Yo, dude, that forearm is tight.” They do, don’t they? Don’t they? Tell me they do. Tell me. AHHHH NO GOD I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE I CAN’T BEAR IT AGAIN JUST MAKE STEPHEN STRASBURG’S FOREARM BETTER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Continue reading

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Nats Sign Two to Minor League Deals (We Believe in Helping the Environment, so Here’s a Recycled Headline)


Pucker up, cause our newest signing wants a kiss.

The Nationals added to their organizational depth today with the signings of Ross Ohlendorf and Sean West. Ross is a well well-traveled veteran who has spent some time in Washington during his big league career. Although he did not spend this time with the Nationals, but rather the U.S. Department of Agriculture as an intern in 2009. So while the pitching staff’s jobs might be secure, I’d watch out if I were the Nationals head groundskeeper. Ross might have some new agricultural ideas to improve things around Nationals Park.

As for Sean West, I don’t have much to say. Aside from that I find it ironic that a man who is named West has spent his entire career on the East coast.

Very very ironic.

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Today is Apparently National Kiss a Baseball Player Day


He’s on top of things.

According to many people on twitter, today is National Kiss a Baseball Player Day. Or rather, #NationalKissABaseballPlayerDay. People don’t have time to breathe between words anymore.

MLB.com even acknowledged it as something to seemingly exist. I don’t really know where it came from, but if Christmas is a National holiday then this should totally be one as well. I mean if we get days off of work to honor Jesus’ birth, why can’t we get a day off to honor a romantic act that could lead to the birth of another Jesus? Assuming Flores wants to name his son Jesus Jr.

Now I found out about this day so late that I missed nearly 22 of the 24 hours available to kiss a baseball player. I have 2 hours and 30 minutes left to kiss a baseball player and I don’t know where I can possibly find one. I can go get my brother who plays high school baseball, but that would be weird in a way that kissing a strange major leaguer you come across on the street is not.

If you live in the suburban area around New York let me know if you are a baseball player looking to be kissed. Even though I am not gay, I will probably do it just to say I kissed a baseball player. One time I used a bathroom at the same time as Goose Gossage, but that definitely wasn’t as intimate as it could have been. So let’s make something out of this day Mariano Rivera/Bernie Williams/other people around here.

This message is not directed towards Tom Gorzelanny.

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The Bum Garners a Win: Nats Get Bad Reception at AT&T


Davey Johnson, as he is being shown on the kiss cam, realizing all those he would want to kiss are long dead. (Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Giants 6, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Gonzalez: .1 IP. You were brief, harmless, and barely worth remembering. Just like my first time. And my second time. And my third time. And my fourth time. And…

Shame of the Game:

Drew Storen: .1 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 4 ER. The Nats have a new marketing campaign inspired by Mountain Dew, where fans are encouraged to “Do the Drew.” This involves ruining the night of the people who count on you any way you’re able.


I’ve never liked the 8th inning. It doesn’t have the same level of excitement that the 9th has, but still serves as a reminder that the game is almost over and you’ll have nothing to distract you from your children, who smell really bad frankly. You would think a 2-year-old would take some time to clean themselves up and change that diaper. Tuesday’s 8th inning furthered my hatred of this inning in general. An inning that really only serves as a source of desperate pornographic material for when the internet is down. I mean if you try really hard, the 8 looks like boobs. Chances are though that it won’t be hard at all.

Continue reading

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