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NLDS Game 4: Walk Off: The Jayson Werth Story

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The black power salute doesn’t send the same message coming from Jayson. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Did the Nats win: Was Onannes a fish-goddess of Chaldean myth? (Yes)

Was it fun to watch: The ending was as gratifying as sex. Only this was the first time I’ve felt satisfied thanks to a man’s powerful wood.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A lingering uncertainty as the best way to go about explaining the excitement-induced mess I made in my pants to the laundromat.

On a day where most of the country watched two of our leaders debate some of the most contentious issues that impact our nation, there is one issue that is certainly not for debate: Jayson Werth is the greatest baseball player of all-time. If you don’t agree with that you’re probably from the past, when Jayson Werth was nothing more than a loathsome hairy man who spent most of his time in Philadelphia. But as that role has been filled by Scott Hartnell, Jayson has found his new place as the single greatest baseball player to ever live.

Many Nationals have often vied for the title of greatest in the past. Some examples:

  • Livan Hernandez – Greatest Caloric Intake.
  • Nick Johnson – Greatest Mustache (Sarcastically).
  • Joey Eischen – Greatest pitcher of all-time.

Not all of them won, like poor Joey, who fell just a tad short. But even as Livan and Nick succeeded, their “greatest” titles didn’t mean much in the long run (aside from taking a few years off Livan’s life). Jayson, on the other hand, is the first National who can proudly claim that he is the greatest without anyone arguing the fact, because I don’t listen to other people’s opinions.

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Chien Up: Wang Controls Balls Well and Squeezes Out A Satisfying Result

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Clippard had a bit of a hard time understanding how to play Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Photo by Brad White/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Blue Jays 2.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 3-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Bryce has come into Canada strong by going 6-8 so far in this series, and blowing everyone away. Upon first arriving in Toronto, he remarked that it was kind of the city to erect a giant space needle to represent his manhood, although claimed it was a bit on the small side. Perhaps his quality performance to this point has excited it enough for it to grow another 3 or 4 stories.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Encarnacion: 0-4, 1 K. Edwin hasn’t produced out of a crucial part of the lineup in these two games against the Nationals. I think we’re exposing him for the poor player he actually is. I knew his torrid pace to start the season couldn’t keep going. He couldn’t keep seeing the ball that well; we all know people in his family don’t have good eyes.

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Playing on turf is tough for most players. The ball does weird things, it’s bad for your legs, it’s disliked by many players. But the Nationals have been playing so successfully the first two games of the series that they clearly like it. Well little do people know, the Nationals have tremendous seasonal allergies, and being inside an artificial dome is what they have dreamed about for years. They can finally stop having watery eyes, except for the ones caused by tears after seeing Davey put Espinosa back in the leadoff spot. They can finally have clean nasal passages, except when Ian Desmond accidentally sticks marbles up there thinking it would be a cool prank to play.

Toronto is really an allergic person’s paradise, and the Nationals have been thriving. Steps have already been taken, after seeing this success, to rid Nationals Park of all allergens. The field will be torn up, the stadium will be enclosed in a giant bag, all food will be thrown out, all fans will not be allowed to bring in fabrics and will have to come naked, and rubber gloves will have to be worn by all players. I can just imagine it now, two teams of naked men in rubber gloves performing in near darkness in front of thousands of also naked people. That’s how baseball was meant to be played.

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