Tag Archives: Kris Medlen

After Loss to Atlanta, Nats Need to Take Mylanta

Roger Bernadina takes a nap and tries to wrap his arm around his girlfriend next to him, only to realize that she left him months ago for Rick Ankiel. (AP Photo/John Bazemore)

Final Score: Braves 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 H, 1 BB, 5 K. New nickname to add to his pile of nicknames: the Rosselot (Sir Rosselot?). Is Ross more catlike or doglike? You decide.

Shame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 0-4, 2 K, Walk-Off Error. For Desmond’s 15th error of the year, let’s throw him a quinceanera party where everything goes wrong. Poisoned food, balloons that pop as soon as you inflate them, guests that thought they were going to an actual quinceanera party for one of their friends’ daughters, a cake that says “Congratulations on your latest failure!”, Ian Desmond’s presence.

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This was a banner game for Nationals that I hate. Ian Desmond and Sean Burnett, two players who have on the whole redeemed themselves considerably in my usually-unforgiving eyes, combined to produce a bottom of the 9th that justified every negative thing I’ve ever said about them. First Sean fucked. Then Ian sucked. I shall henceforth refer to these two unsavory individuals as the Fuck-Suck Duo. Coming soon to an Independent League/brothel near you.

I can’t complain too much about them while the Nats are still 7.5 games up in the division and seemingly have their playoff spot locked up. Wait, they just lost again? WELL FUCK YOU SEAN AND IAN, FUCK YOU IN WHATEVER PLACE YOU LEAST WANT IT.

…ahem.

Let me take a moment to talk about Kris Medlen and his 13 strikeouts and continued sub-1 ERA as a starter.

Okay, the moment’s passed. Phew, that was an unpleasant conversation.

I have to say, as we head into the last half of September, I’m running out of jokes to make about this Nationals team. There’s only so many times I can make different versions of the same joke about–

Wait, I got one. Continue reading

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If This Were the Olympics He’d Be Medlen’: Nats Can’t Top Golden Kris

Ross Detwiler is a towelhead. Wait, is that racist? (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: 1.2 IP, 0 ER, K. The fact is, middle relievers only have a chance at this most prestigious award in games that suck. If neither the starting pitcher nor anyone on the offense did anything to stand out, forcing me to delve into the nether reaches of the box score for a Dame, it probably means either the Nats lost or they were playing the Astros. Sadly, they were not playing the Astros.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 0-4, K, Error. I want to love you, Kurt Suzuki, but sometimes you make loving so hard.

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Ugh, I’ve been trying to sweep my floor all day, but I think my brooms are defective. Random side note, had to complain about that to someone. You’d think with all this fancy modern technology they’d be able to make brooms that work, you know?

A dirty floor isn’t the worst of my problems. The Nats lost to the Braves last night, in a game that, had they won, would have put Atlanta practically out of reach of the division title at 8 games back. Sometimes it’s important to put things out of the reach of children, like cookies, guns, and sex toys. The division crown will still be tough for the Braves to grab, but they can at least see it, which means they might be tempted to do something crazy and dangerous like buy a ladder or win all the rest of their games. It would have been safer for everyone if the Nats had not given them the option. Continue reading

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Nats Continue Medlen with Braves: Minor Effort Drops Atlanta to 4th

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“Mommy, mommy! Get it away!” (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Braves 4.

Dame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 2-5, 2 R, 1 HR, 1 2B, 3 RBI. Usually if a manager says I’m going to put someone with a .650 OPS in the leadoff spot, you’d say “No, Dusty. I don’t know why we hired you and Neifi in the first place.” Today Johnson’s gamble paid off. It probably won’t tomorrow though so let’s just get him out of that spot.

Shame of the Game: (Tonight’s Shame of the Game will be written by guest poster Henry Rodriguez)

Tyler Clippard: Save, .2 IP, 1 K. Tyler Clippard is a bad person. His three near perfect saves are much worse than me because I like to have fun and make things interesting. Now my wife won’t talk to me because she has eyes for Tyler. Please give me food, nobody will.

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Today, Stephen Strasburg did what everybody expected. Expected Bryce Harper to do, that is, going 1-2 and bumping his OPS up to 1.143. His pitching line included allowing 4 ER for the second time in three starts. John Lannan, maybe there will be a spot in the rotation after all if we move Strasburg to fill the hole in left… I’m just kidding John. Sorry to get your hopes up, although I imagine there aren’t any to get up after all your hopes and dreams were shattered when being demoted to AAA.

Continue reading

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