Tag Archives: Lenny Dykstra

New York on Sunday, Nats Offense Taking a Nap

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What a bad teacher.

Final Score: Mets 2, Nationals 0.

Belle of the Ball: Anthony Rendon. Rendon had a terrible debut, going 0 for 4 and making an error. But there’s no reason to hurt his confidence now. We need to support him in this new experience, and give him our praise hoping he will become a star.

But if he ever goes 0 for 4 again I will disown him.

Smell of the Ball: Jayson Werthless. Get what I did there with the name? It’s a funny pun, since his name is Werth and he is HORRIBLE SO HORRIBLE, WHY WOULD YOU SWING AT A 3-0 PITCH WHEN THE PITCHER WASN’T THROWING STRIKES. COULD YOU BE MORE STUPID? THE ANSWER IS NO, UNLESS YOU WENT BACK INTO THE CLUBHOUSE AND SCRAPED PAINT OFF THE WALL AND JUST ATE IT FOR HOURS, WHICH IS NOW WHAT I’M GUESSING YOU DID BECAUSE YOU DO NOTHING THAT MAKES SENSE. WE COULD HAVE HAD THE BASES LOADED AND 0 OUT BUT INSTEAD THE WORLD IS OVER AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

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Henry Rodriguez finds comfort in another man who has trouble throwing strikes.

Today was Ron Darling Bobblehead Day at Citi Field. Many teams have special tributes to the players honored with the toy during these games. The Phillies recently hosted a Lenny Dykstra bobblehead day where food vendors would take all the money in your wallet when you tried to pay for something. The Cardinals, during Ozzie Smith bobblehead day, all tried to do backflips, resulting in serious neck injuries for most. And of course how could we forget the Giants’s Fred Merkle bobblehead day, where every player had to play with a boner.

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Opening Dayum: Nats Show Off Impressive Assets In Tight One

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“You see this? This is my nipple.”

Final Score: Nationals 2, Marlins 0.

Dames of the Game…s…: 

Bryce Harper: 2-4, 2 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI. Now on pace for 324 home runs this season, I’d say Harper is falling just short of expectations. But he’s young. Maybe with some more experience he’ll end up like Dmitri Young, who was once on pace for 486 home runs after Opening Day. And who was also once convicted of a crime, a key to being considered a great. Don’t believe me? Well if Lenny Dykstra and Ugueth Urbina aren’t Hall of Fame bound, then I must be completely unaware of the actual definition of the word great.

Stephen Strasburg: Win, 7 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 3 K. After a leadoff single, Strasburg retired 19 straight batters. He made the Marlins look silly. In fact, I haven’t seen a team look as pathetic as the Marlins did today since I looked at the Marlins roster yesterday, and anytime in the past 4 months.

Shame of the Game: 

Rafael Soriano: Being Rafael Soriano. What can you say about a guy like Rafael Soriano? He threw a perfect 9th, showed impressive velocity and control, and I still hate him. Some say “let bygones be bygones,” but I say “drill bygones into your mind so you can always remember who has wronged you.”

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The smell of freshly cut grass. The warmth from the sun’s rays. The semi-irrational hatred of millionaires that I’ve never known personally, building to its highest level since October. Yes, baseball is finally back.

The last time the Nationals took the field in a game that mattered it ended in shock, depression, and misery. Yes, that exhibition loss to the Yankees on March 29th was a real bummer. There is nothing more depressing than losing to a lineup featuring Vernon Wells and Lyle Overbay. But the team looked to move on and improve, and there were many positive signs that suggest the team will do even better in the coming year. Let’s hope these positive signs are accurate, and that the Nationals prove to be pregnant. Pregnant with quality offense, and good defense, and a placenta that I can ultimately eat so that I feel one with the organization.

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Jordan Zimmermann: NL Pitcher of the Month

Jordan Zimmermann has won the NL Pitcher of the Month award for July, becoming the third Nationals pitcher this season to win this monthly accolade. Being the third one to do it is something Jordan knows well, being the last to reach puberty amongst his brothers.

Jordan went 4-0 with a 0.97 ERA and a 0.84 whip in 37 IP in July. Jordan is very used to small numbers, which coupled with being a late bloomer, probably also contributed to his being the last one to do it. But Jordan has clearly overcome personal inadequacies and gotten the job done, probably since he’s so good at using his hands.

Hopefully Edwin and Ross are inspired to do better to join their rotation mates as pitchers of the month. I don’t think they want to settle for silver, because gold is so much more prestigious. It also has a higher resale value, just in case they end up like Lenny Dykstra.

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Harper Steals Home, Others Steal Smiles as Nats Lose Bad Finale

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The Nationals celebrate Harper stealing home, interrupting a sad Steve McCatty’s story about his fishing trip. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Phillies 9, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-3, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 HBP, 1 SB (Home). There are normal men, and then there is Bryce Harper. What? He’s not a woman? I thought with all that makeup…Oh that was eye black? Ok. Well, Harper may be a man, but he’s a much better one than pretty much everyone else. He made a bloop to left into a double, a pickoff to first into a steal of home, and my feelings about my own success much sadder than they already were.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Perry: .2 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 6 ER. On a day where Gorzelanny and Burnett pitched, it’s strange that someone else could take this award. But Perry succeeded. Most of the team was doing poorly the whole game, but Perry put the game out of reach in the 9th with this bad bad job. Since the Perry was so unsuccessful, the Nationals failed to riposte in the bottom of the inning.

The only thing Nationals fans will be using their brooms for tonight is to clean up after their fat uncle who eats too much and is very uncoordinated. The “Our Park” series came to a horrific conclusion as the Nationals were overwhelmed in tonight’s game. This game was pretty poor anyway you look at it; you would never think that a baseball game would bear such a striking resemblance to Lenny Dykstra.

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