Tag Archives: lions

Wrath of Apollo: Sol Is Not Nats’ Favorite Sun

Jayson Werth begs forgiveness of the sun. (AP Photo/Ann Heisenfelt)

Final Score: Brewers 6, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 2-2, R, 2 BB, SB. Desmond reached safely in every plate appearance. An overconfident Desmond then went to the zoo and reached very unsafely into the cage of a hungry lion. He was lucky to escape with most of his fingers.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 3 ER, 4 H, BB, K. Mattheus did not cause all this damage himself, but he did create a situation in which the sun was allowed to cause the Nationals significant pain. His inning pitched was akin to inviting all the Nationals to a day at the beach and replacing all their suntan lotion with shaving cream.

——–

The Sun. It gives life to the world. It is the reason that any of us exist. It will one day envelop the earth in its fiery furnace, destroying everything humanity has ever created. It also sometimes makes it hard to catch fly balls.

Yesterday, for instance, it caused the Nats to drop two important flies, leading to enough runs to give the Brewers a victory. Bryce Harper and Jayson Werth were helpless as the sun scalded their eyes, hiding the small whiteness of the baseball in its all-consuming light. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hey, I Heard You Like the Wild Ones: Rodriguez Throws Game to the Backstop in 9th

If I took Tom Gorzelanny to face Matt Kemp, it'd be a home run.

Final Score: Dodgers 4, Nationals 3

Douchebag of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-3, 2B, RBI, 1 Awesome Throw. I just can’t bring myself to call Bryce Harper a “dame.” He really should get this award every game he plays, but I’ll only give it to him when he does something particularly noteworthy, like play pretty well in his debut or hand the pitcher a thank you note when he hits a home run.

Shame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: .2 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, 2 K, 3 Horribly Wild Throws. Brad Lidge’s physical form is gone, but he seems to have left his spirit behind. You must fight it, Henry Rodriguez. Banish that Brad Lidge essence within you to the save-blowing realm it came from.

———-

I haven’t questioned much that Davey Johnson has done thus far this year. After all, there’s no point in second guessing managerial decisions when the team is winning games. But last night, Davey Johnson did a bad thing. Was it the worst thing he’s ever done in his life? Probably not. I don’t know how many people he’s killed, shops he’s lifted, treasons he’s committed, backs he’s stabbed, genocides he’s condoned. Perhaps hundreds. Perhaps thousands. But this thing that he did last night has to be up there among the very bad of the very worst. He let Tom Gorzelanny face Matt Kemp in a situation where if a home run happened, the Nationals would lose. A home run happened.

Now, this wasn’t a case of the best hitter in baseball facing the worst pitcher in baseball, but that’s only because Sean Burnett wasn’t available to pitch. The most apt analogy that comes to mind is an emperor setting up a gladiator duel between a retarded Christian baby with no knees and a pride of lions. Thumbs down, Davey Johnson. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,