Tag Archives: Los Angeles Dodgers

If You Can Dodge A Wrench, You Can’t Necessarily Dodge a Wall: Dodgers Nail Nats With Headshot, Win Series

“He seems dead to me. Where’s the nearest meat grinder?”

Game 1:

Nationals 6, Dodgers 2

Bryce Harper plays the game of baseball the right way. There are only two steps to playing baseball the right way, and he excels at both of them in a fashion that you just don’t see very often in today’s game. They are:

1: Being really good at baseball
2: Smashing your head into things so hard that you bleed

There are a lot of players who are really good at baseball, though not many with Harper’s potential for greatness. But the art of self-inflicted head trauma seems to be dying out in modern baseball. Players these days are just too concerned with preserving the integrity of their skulls, and not enough with adhering to the time-honored tradition of causing blood to pour out of their faces¬† by hitting them really hard with solid objects. It’s sad, really.

But Bryce Harper gets it. He knows that baseball is about more than just hitting home runs, running fast, and playing great defense. It’s also about doing things that could potentially cause severe damage to the most sensitive part of the body.

Let’s hope some of the other Nationals start following Bryce’s heroic example and mutilate their own faces as soon as possible.
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Nats Lose 4 in Rule 5

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That’s the number.

The Rule 5 Draft took place today. It’s a draft that often means very little, but sometimes we see a team come across an unknown gem of a player. It produces a lot more gems than the Rule 34 Draft however. Some of that stuff is just too weird to be comfortable with.

This year the Nationals didn’t pick any players, but lost 4 of their own to other teams. Danny Rosenbaum went to the Rockies, Jeff Kobernus to the Tigers, Jack McGeary to Boston, and Hector Nelo to the Dodgers.

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Dodgers Decline Todd Coffey’s Option

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I can’t wait til we maybe see Coffey (barely) fit into one of our jerseys again.

As a devastating force hits the Northeast, another even more unstoppable force hits free agency. Todd Coffey is officially a free agent after the Dodgers declined his $2.5 million option earlier today. Some would call it an easy move, considering Coffey underwent Tommy John and will be out until after the All-Star Break. But these people are foolish.

Too many people rely on new fangled statistics to determine a player’s worth. Like WAR, and FIP, and games played. But I really value a player by how much heart he has. And Todd Coffey has the most heart in the majors. Sure he might just sit on our bench, tweeting pro-Romney things and then claiming it was a friend’s kid as we wait for him to actually pitch in a game. But his presence alone will propel this team towards victory. Or into a constant orbit around him. One of those two things.

I hope the Nationals make the right choice and bring back Todd Coffey. We miss you, Todd.

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Well That’s Good: As Nationals Clinch, Sphincters Unclench

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Both Hanley and Jayson realize that this was a bad time for Hanley to try and let out a stealthy fart. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Dodgers 1.

Dame of the Game:

Chris Capuano: For throwing the wild pitch that gave us the lead that gave us a playoff spot. Thank you, for that historic moment in franchise history. It’s up there with other moments of incompetence, like when the Nats won their first game ever thanks to the other team forgetting to wear pants and having to forfeit.

Shame of the Game:

Matt Kemp: Not for his performance tonight, but for his HR yesterday. You jerk, making us wait a whole extra day to experience this tremendous feeling of happiness. You’re like my wife. Only she makes me wait a bit longer to experience such happiness. It’s been almost as long as the Washington postseason drought…

———-

The Nationals are headed to the playoffs.¬†While this man might be shocked to hear it, we are not kidding him. For the first time in this team’s history, they will get a taste of postseason baseball. Which kind of tastes gross and sweaty, after all the time Tommy LaSorda spent stewing away in it. They have still yet to clinch the division, as their magic number is 8. A truly magical number, considering how much it looks like boobs. But for now, let’s enjoy the fact that this team has made the postseason at all. Knowing that on October 5th, the Nationals will still be playing baseball is a great feeling. And knowing that it could all be over 5 days later is a miserable feeling. I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist, but after seeing things like John Kruk exist, it’s hard to think that the world can give us inspiring, beautiful things anymore.

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Nats Dodge Losing Again Thanks to Rain

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The grounds crew realizes they need to break out a cleaner tarp, after seeing that someone made a mess on this one.

Final Score: Nationals –, Dodgers –.

Dame of the Game:

Zeus. The Gods on Mount Olympus did not enjoy the Nats’ downward spiral, and decided to keep the Dodgers from adding to it. I always knew Zeus would be likely to side with Washington, considering him and Davey Johnson grew up together.

Shame of the Game:

My pants. They are soaked, and it is uncomfortable.

———–

What a game. Definitely the best game for the Nats in a few days. I mean the pitching was perfect, not a single hit or walk allowed! The offense didn’t really put up good numbers, but that’s something I’ve come to expect with this team. This was the type of game the Nats needed to get back on track after being swept by the Braves. A nice, solid, non-loss.

Some aren’t content with just calling this a no contest however, and have scheduled a straight doubleheader at 4 PM/7 PM tomorrow night. There are concerns about doing a straight doubleheader, with that much action without a break potentially causing a great deal of stress to the players. But right now there’s no way a homosexual doubleheader would be proposed in Washington. It’s too much of a divisive issue that is especially hard to find universal support for during an election year.

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All A-loney, James Leads Dodgers: Nats Shutout, Lose Series, Oh God

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"If I can't see or hear the umpire, he can't call me out!" Jesus Flores' strategy did not work well.
(AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

Final Score: Dodgers 2, Nationals 0.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-3. Yes, just 1-3. No National really showed themselves as being worthy of this award, so I’ll just give it to the guy making his debut. Moore picked up his first career hit, as well as the first of many slaps on the butt from Davey Johnson. “I hope I can get a lot more……………..a lot more………,” said Moore. When reporters attempted to confirm that he meant hits, Moore replied with “No, it’s more of a smack.”

Shame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-3, 1 BB. While this is statistically better than Moore’s showing, I must make a point about Harper. We are winless in Bryce Harper’s entire big league career. He is clearly a cancer in this clubhouse and will burn the Nationals’ franchise to the ground if we do not take action quickly.

What can you say about today’s game? Not much, it was kind of a boring game.

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We Made Them Get The Belt: Padres Beat Young Nats Team

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Jason Bartlett has seen things you would never believe.
(AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Final Score: Padres 2, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 6.2 IP, 6 H, 3 BB, 6 K, 0 R. If there’s one thing Edwin Jackson likes doing, it’s pitching very very well. If there’s two things Edwin Jackson likes doing, it’s pitching very very well and stealing his teammates’ shoes. Thank goodness he was having such a fun time with the first one, the second one just turns out to be very inconvenient when it happens.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: Loss, Blown Save, 1 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 2 ER, 2 K. The Ty-Clip has come undone, as the Nationals looked quite messy. I do not expect that we will get a second interview based on our appearance, despite the impressive resume.

Another day, another Nationals victory. End of post.

Huh?

Wuh?

Ga-huh?

We lost? I guess I had just forgotten that was possible, having not done it for a week. Being a first place team really gets to your head… Should I return these Nationals 2012 World Champions banners? Oh, shucks. I guess I should get this championship tattoo removed too, huh? I never ever thought it could end so hilariously horribly. Well, I guess losses just come with playing baseball. Part of the game.

…What do you mean we lost to the Padres?

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