Tag Archives: magic numbers

Beastiality: Morse Forces Himself on Unwilling Phillies

 

Eury Perez hastily scrambles out of the grasp of a lustily thrusting Jeremy Horst. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Phillies 3

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-4, 2 HR, 2 R, 4 RBI. Once was not enough. His appetite is insatiable.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Cloyd: 5 IP, 6 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 4 K. His poor pitching was almost too sweet for the Nats. I might even say that its excessive pleasantness for Nationals batters was cloyding.

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And then there were three.

Three miserable little numbers, cowering in fear at the end of the road as the Natmobile careens wildly towards them, leaving a trail of crushed and crumpled numbers lying in its wake. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, and 5 are already a distant memory, and 4 now shudders its final dying twitches.

The details of the grisly affair seem almost superfluous. Number 4 was just another nameless victim of the out-of-control Natmobile. The goal is too near to worry about the particulars of the collateral damage.

At the end of the road lies the NLDS. The Natmobile is an unstoppable force, and the objects in its path are decidedly movable.

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The Moore-al of the Story: Home Runs Help Get Wins

Bryce Harper practices his right-handed golf swing. I think his hands are mixed up, though. (Jeff Zelevansky/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 3

Dame of the Game: 

Tyler Moore: 1-1, HR, 2 RBI, R. [Bonus Moore pun] Every time Moore does something good from now on, I’m going to describe it as a “Moore-ality play.” Ideally the Nats would do the same and have him battle the seven deadly sins as he rounds the bases before being greeted happily by the Virtues as he reaches home.

Shame of the Game:

Frank Francisco: 0 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, BB. San Francisco’s younger brother just never could measure up. The elder sibling became a great American city, while the younger became a bad pitcher for a bad team.

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Davey Johnson said after last night’s game that it’s “time to be looking at magic numbers.” Now, in any other context, that would be taken as the mad ramblings of a senile old man or the drugged musings of an LSD user (or in the case of Davey Johnson, probably both). I mean, “magic numbers”? Numbers tend not to have any magical properties, for two reasons: 1) they are really just abstract concepts and thus cannot have physical properties at all that could be magical, and 2) no things actually have magical properties because magic doesn’t exist. Furthermore, the idea that one could “look at” “magic numbers–things that are not viewable and couldn’t exist even if they were–seems preposterous. Continue reading

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