Tag Archives: Mariano Rivera

I. Love. When This Team Wins. Performances by Zimm. And Twins: A Twins Series Recap

Game 1:

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“Stephen, this is a baseball.”
“Yeah…I know. Why do you keep following me around?”
(Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Twins 4, Nationals 3

It had been over 40 years since the Minnesota franchise played in their once hometown of Washington. It was 1971, when they lost to the Senators 5-2. Warren  Magnuson had an RBI double, and Karl Mundt went 6 shutout innings.

But those Senators are long dead, as is the thought of a Washington baseball team winning a game. However I suppose the Nats had a chance, as this Twins team’s chances for success aren’t looking very attractive this season. They’re so unattractive in fact, that they don’t inspire any sort of sexual fantasy involving these Twins. Maybe it’s the fact that instead of two attractive women its 25 men, and that’s what’s making me feel that way.

But then again, I got off countless times to the thought of the ’94 Expos, who, to my knowledge, were 25 men as well. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Larry Walker is just a very butch woman.

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Nationals Ring the Bell, Win at Pitt: A Pirates Series Recap

Game 1:

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Jason Grilli’s hair starts spinning to prepare for takeoff. (AP Photo/Keith Srakocic)

Pirates 3, Nationals 1

“Fuck the Yankees.”

Having admitted to being, in addition to a Nationals fan, a Yankees fan, that is not a sentence I have said often. I said something like it once before when I asked my girlfriend to keep putting on different masks of Yankees players so I could live out a totally non-gay, non-weird fantasy. But don’t judge, cause you’d do it too if you got to imagine you were having sex with Bartolo Colon.

But it has recently become clear that the Yankees, obviously tired of winning the World Series (why else would they trade for Vernon Wells and sign Lyle Overbay?), have made it their sole objective to hurt the Nationals. The plan? It’s obvious. To acquire terrible talent and strategically send them off to teams where they could hurt the Nationals most. You may say I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I have proof that the government doesn’t want me to reveal because Bigfoot is real and 9/11 was an inside job.

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Well, This Sucks (Nationals Sign Rafael Soriano)

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Attempts to drown Soriano in the past have failed, sadly.

I hate Rafael Soriano.

I absolutely despise him.

This isn’t the joke kind of hatred I had for Sean Burnett at times, or the dislike coupled with sadness that God would do that to a person that I had for Tom Gorzelanny. This is legitimate hatred, the first time I’d say I felt this way about a Nationals player.

Soriano is selfish, overrated, and while I can’t be sure of it someone has been calling my house and hanging up when I pick up and it’s probably him so fuck him for that too.

Am I angry at Drew Storen for game 5? Yeah. Do I have issues with trust towards Tyler Clippard? Some, sure. But just cause you’re constipated and having trouble producing at a comfortable level doesn’t mean you have to spend $28 million dollars on cow shit to put in your toilet to make you feel like you did the job you were supposed to.

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Today is Apparently National Kiss a Baseball Player Day

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He’s on top of things.

According to many people on twitter, today is National Kiss a Baseball Player Day. Or rather, #NationalKissABaseballPlayerDay. People don’t have time to breathe between words anymore.

MLB.com even acknowledged it as something to seemingly exist. I don’t really know where it came from, but if Christmas is a National holiday then this should totally be one as well. I mean if we get days off of work to honor Jesus’ birth, why can’t we get a day off to honor a romantic act that could lead to the birth of another Jesus? Assuming Flores wants to name his son Jesus Jr.

Now I found out about this day so late that I missed nearly 22 of the 24 hours available to kiss a baseball player. I have 2 hours and 30 minutes left to kiss a baseball player and I don’t know where I can possibly find one. I can go get my brother who plays high school baseball, but that would be weird in a way that kissing a strange major leaguer you come across on the street is not.

If you live in the suburban area around New York let me know if you are a baseball player looking to be kissed. Even though I am not gay, I will probably do it just to say I kissed a baseball player. One time I used a bathroom at the same time as Goose Gossage, but that definitely wasn’t as intimate as it could have been. So let’s make something out of this day Mariano Rivera/Bernie Williams/other people around here.

This message is not directed towards Tom Gorzelanny.

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