Tag Archives: marijuana

Two Ross Make a Right: A Rockies Series Recap

Game 1:

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The crowd applauds Jayson Werth for finally looking up. I find it amazing he never looked up before this game. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Rockies 8, Nationals 3

Every day when I go to work I experience a bit of midday exhaustion. Sitting in front of a computer can be pretty draining, so after about 5 hours my eyes feel heavy and I begin to crash. That being said, when I start getting tired, I do not break every computer in the office and burn it to the ground.

Dan Haren has a different approach of how to react to a midday crash at work. An approach that is arguably worse than burning an office building to the ground resulting in the death of dozens of employees: ALLOWING TWO HOME RUNS AND SUCKING IN GENERAL.

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On the Road to the Playoffs, TomTom Directs Us Towards a Win

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With all eyes on the screen, Tyler realizes that nobody will notice if he takes a quick peek at Chad Tracy’s butt. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals STILL DIVISION CHAMPS (otherwise known as 4), Phillies 2.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-3, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 BB. An Adam Bomb clearly went off tonight. How else would you explain the severe physical deformities of the Phillies fans present? …Huh? Cheese whiz, you say?

Shame of the Game:

Josh Lindblom: Loss, 1 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 2 ER. With performances like these I would say that the Phillies got the worse end of the Shane Victorino trade. But then I remember they sent Shane Victorino far away, so they clearly won.

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Tom Gorzelanny is like the ugly duckling. After months of us making fun of him for how he looked, he showed up today and put together a solid start to set the Nationals on the right track for Tuesday’s game. I’m more willing to accept him now. Sadly for him, he’s not exactly like the ugly duckling, in that his looks are still subpar. Replacing Gio in a spot start is a tough task, especially when you’ve got something weird going on with your mouth like Tom does. But he shone bright. We’d recommend you not look directly at him though. Because he’s shining so bright of course… Ok, I lied, it’s cause of something else.

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25 or 11 to 5: Chicago Instrumental in Making Nats Fans Happy

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Edwin Jackson is a really entertaining juggler, even with just one ball. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 11, Cubs 5.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 4-4, 2 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI, 1 BB. I already knew from The Creation of Adam that Adam had a lot of muscle. I also knew he’d have to do really impressive things like this to help compensate for “down there.”

Shame of the Game:

Chris Rusin: Loss, 1 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 5 ER, 1 K. This performance by Rusin was really sub-carpathian-par.

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It’s not often a team throws seven pitchers out there that I’ve never heard of. Usually it only happens when watching AAA teams like the Buffalo Bisons or Houston Astros. But the Cubs joined that club tonight. I was introduced to seven pitchers who I have never heard of before tonight’s game. I know it’s bad to say this, as somebody who covers baseball, but I really just had no idea who I was watching. Even though there was one Cub who pitched in last night’s game. He was just as forgettable as our our team’s owners make our time in Montreal seem.

But as a reporter, I feel it is my duty to know who I am reporting on. That being said, I’m kind of tired and don’t really want to do much research. So here are my possibly uneducated feelings about the 7 men who pitched for the Chicago Cubs on Tuesday night. I hope they’re all accurate.

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POMeranz Wonderful: Nats Are Bad, Get Colvin in Their Stockings, Bleachers

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There’s nothing that makes a player/lady run in fear like a charging Tom Gorzelanny. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Final Score: Rockies 5, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

The Nationals Off-Field Staff. To my knowledge, they did everything at this game well enough. Everyone got into the stadium, got their food, etc. A job well done.

Shame of the Game:

The Nationals On-Field Staff. To my knowledge, they did everything at this game bad enough. Rockies balls left the stadium, fans threw up their food in disgust, etc. A job poorly done.

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Tonight was the 5th Rockies-Nationals matchup of the season. You might remember that for the first game these two teams played this season, I recapped it by comparing it to Rocky I. For tonight’s game, I will recap it by comparing it to Rocky V. So here we go.

This game was as good as Rocky V. Rocky V was awful.

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The Morrowind Dies Down: Nats Take Advantage of Injury Like Lions, Thankfully Don’t Go 0-16

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You know what they say. Give up a home run, grab your penis. (Photo by Brad White/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Blue Jays 3.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Win, 8 IP, 4 H, 3 BB, 2 ER, 3 K. Jackson finally won a road game, his first one as a National. Before each away game to this point, Jackson had confusedly asked “Where am I?” never bothering to look at a map or listen. While the team had told him the truth until this point, they brought a “Welcome Home” banner and hung it in the clubhouse on this trip. Jackson was ecstatic to be in what he believed was his home, but devastated that his microwave was nowhere to be found. Jackson is not very bright.

Shame of the Game:

Brandon Morrow: Loss, 0 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 1 Injury. Morrow left the game early with a strained side. Maybe next time he shouldn’t order the peas and carrots.

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The Nationals were riding high going into Toronto, in part because of their sweep of the Red Sox, but also because of Canada’s more lenient marijuana laws. This was a big moment for the nation’s team to show Canada that America means business, and they did just that in some very American ways. LaRoche and Ankiel launched bombs, Jackson fired bullets, and Sean Burnett ate so many Big Macs that his performance in the 9th was filled with shit. But in the end the Nationals came out on top of Canada just like America has in every way ever. Except geography. And social health programs. And human rights. And… you know what, fuck that. AMERICA!

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