Tag Archives: Mark DeRosa

On the Road to the Playoffs, TomTom Directs Us Towards a Win


With all eyes on the screen, Tyler realizes that nobody will notice if he takes a quick peek at Chad Tracy’s butt. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals STILL DIVISION CHAMPS (otherwise known as 4), Phillies 2.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-3, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 BB. An Adam Bomb clearly went off tonight. How else would you explain the severe physical deformities of the Phillies fans present? …Huh? Cheese whiz, you say?

Shame of the Game:

Josh Lindblom: Loss, 1 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 2 ER. With performances like these I would say that the Phillies got the worse end of the Shane Victorino trade. But then I remember they sent Shane Victorino far away, so they clearly won.


Tom Gorzelanny is like the ugly duckling. After months of us making fun of him for how he looked, he showed up today and put together a solid start to set the Nationals on the right track for Tuesday’s game. I’m more willing to accept him now. Sadly for him, he’s not exactly like the ugly duckling, in that his looks are still subpar. Replacing Gio in a spot start is a tough task, especially when you’ve got something weird going on with your mouth like Tom does. But he shone bright. We’d recommend you not look directly at him though. Because he’s shining so bright of course… Ok, I lied, it’s cause of something else.

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A Minor Catastrophe: Nats Get Swept by Braves

The game is so depressing that Ian Desmond tries to strangle himself. (AP Photo/David Goldman)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game: 

Chad Durbin: 1 IP, 0 R, 1 H, 1 K. Just in case this is the last time I get to say it this year…Dur.



Shame of the Game: 

Mark DeRosa: 0-1. What is he still doing here? Did we just forget he was on the team because he’s so boring? Who was supposed to get this at-bat? Are we sure they’re still alive?



Jon Miller: Welcome to Sunday Night Baseball. I’m Jon Miller, and this is my partner Joe-

Joe Morgan: Joe Mogrom.

Miller: Morgan.

Morgan: Mortgage.

Morgan: Joe Morgan.

Miller: Tonight, divisional rivals Washington Nationals and Atlanta Braves battle it out in a potential playoff preview. These are two great teams–what do you think is the key to the game, Joe?

Morgan: Well, Gio Gonzalez has a chance to get his 20th win tonight. That would really put him strongly in Cy Young contention. And if he does that, I think the Nationals might have a real shot in the playoffs with a 20 game winner on their staff.

Miller: Great point, Joe. Alright, let’s get to the starting lineups. Leading off for the Nationals, Carlos BelTRAN.

Morgan: That’s not Carlos Beltan, that’s Jayson Werth.

Miller: What? Oh, yeah. Batting second… Continue reading

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Welcome Our September Call Ups!


They’re so excited to get started!

It’s September again, and you know what that means. New call ups! Sure it can be a little intimidating coming into a new situation like this, but hopefully fellow students, of the game, will help them adjust. To get to know all these new players, I handed out “Getting to Know You” cards for them to fill out and share with the class. So let’s see what they said.

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Nationals Claim Cesar Izturis, DL DeRosa, DFA Severino

Cesar Izturis is a National. I will pause for the excited applause..

…hmm, I must be deaf. I didn’t really hear anything. Izturis was claimed off waivers from the Brewers to provide the Nationals with some defensive depth. Cesar was once traded straight up for Greg Maddux, meaning he must be a Hall of Fame level player as well. Either that, or Greg Maddux farted so much around the clubhouse that they were just dying to trade him.

With Izturis being added to the team, two Nationals will be changing spots. Mark DeRosa is headed to the DL yet again, leading me to believe that Nick Johnson is here and is just very good at disguising himself as DeRosa.

Additionally, the Nats DFA’d Atahualpa Severino to make room on the 40-man for Izturis. I’m all teary eyed while writing out this news. Now if you’ll excuse me, I should get back to cutting up these onions.

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Healthy .308 OPS Replaces Sick .486 OPS (But Both Are Really Unhealthy)


For DeRosa, it’s the intangible qualities that make him great. Like level of coolness. As shown in the picture above, he’s as freezing as someone with a .308 OPS.

Mark DeRosa is back! No, not that he’s good again. He’s just here again. DeRosa replaces an ailing Xavier Nady who was placed on the DL with right wrist tendinitis. You would think the irritation would have been caused by playing baseball, but Nady hasn’t been doing much that I would consider playing baseball during his time with the Nats. Flailing about like a goldfish in some vomit on the sidewalk is a more apt description. And we all know how dangerous for wrists that can be.

DeRosa gives us a player a little more versatile than Nady off the bench. He’s able to do so many things that you could say he’s a regular triple threat! Note, a triple threat in baseball is much more different than a triple threat in entertainment, in that it actually means someone is threateningly bad and actually in no way likely to triple. Except for Jose Lima, he actually was quite the singer.

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Tyler Moore Called Up, Mark DeRosa to DL


Not the usual look for a ballplayer.

I hope you’re ready for a big Nationals debut today. No, I know Bryce Harper’s was last night, but there’s another one. Fine, you don’t care now that Harper’s up, I understand, but can I just talk about this debut. Trust me, it’ll excite you.

Tyler Moore is here!

That’s much less exciting than saying Bryce Harper is here, I’m sorry I wasted your time.

But really, Moore is being called up to replace the injured Mark DeRosa. He’s turned in a fantastic season in the minors, and will certainly be a valuable asset. I hope he has a great career that provides us with more material for jokes, because I’ve already used Mary Tyler Moore twice.

Best of luck, Tyler.

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HandKershaw Wipes Away Mucus-y Nationals as Dodgers Take Series Opener

"Ohhhhhhhh yeah, time to lick off some SWEET HAND JUICE. mmmmmmmmmm SO GOOD." -Clayton Kershaw
(Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)

Final Score: Dodgers 3, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-4, HR, 2 RBI, R, K. Adam LaRoche is the only one on the Nationals who remembers what to do with his large wooden club, which makes the rest of the Nats offense dumber than cavemen.

Shame of the Game:

Mark DeRosa: 0-4. Mark DeRosa is slugging .081. There should probably be a less positive-sounding word for that total bases/at bats average for people under .100.  Like “whimpering.” Mark DeRosa is whimpering .081.


Ashes swirl over the battlefield. What was once a pristine field of grass and clay is now blackened and barren. The place reeks of charred flesh and death. Mike Rizzo, astride his trusty warhorse, surveys the carnage and grimaces.

The Nationals forces had made great advances in the early stages of the battle, fighting back the forces of Evil. Rizzo’s right flank, the Starting Pitchers, had been particularly successful, carving huge swaths in the enemy’s ranks and gaining valuable strategic territory. But after these quick victories, the enemy adapted. They sensed a weakness in the Washington army. The left flank–the Offense–was wavering. And this enemy was hungry for weakness.

The demonic horde pounced, and the flank’s collapse was precipitous. Adam LaRoche did his best to stave them off, waving his gleaming lumber like a man possessed, felling any enemy who came near. But he was not enough. Ian Desmond was actually possessed–after fighting reasonably well for a while, his eyes suddenly rolled back in his head and he turned around and punched a more-confused-than-normal Tom Gorzelanny in the neck. All around them, the lines were crumbling. First Michael Morse fell, an arrow protruding from his lat. Then Ryan Zimmerman, an axeblade jutting from his shoulder, crumpled to the ground. “You must…go on…without me…” he whispered, before his eyes glazed over. In the Bullpen center, Brad Lidge was randomly struck by a lightning bolt despite the fact that it was sunny. Weird. Continue reading

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Walk the Line (Down to First): Mets Walking Ten Helps Nats Win Again


I took this photo. Yes, I am a professional.

Final Score: Nationals 4, Mets 0.

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 2 H, 3 BB, 0 R, 9 K. Strasburg had his way with the Mets today, resulting in a coincidentally funny .69 ERA on the season. He threw 100+ pitches for the first time in his major league career, resulting in a not so coincidentally funny 190 pitches on the season.

Shame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 1 failure to convert a double play by not throwing the ball, 1 failure to convert a double play by throwing the ball away, and 1 failed effort to catch a ball in centerfield while going backwards that he had no business going after. I could’ve said the Mets bullpen was the shame of the game, and it probably did cause more damage than Espinosa. But Danny really showed impressive incompetence out there. He got on base 3 times, but what does getting on base matter when you fuck up everything else you do? Hmm, actually I would guess a lot. Otherwise how would Nick Johnson have a job?

I represented The Zimmerman(n) Telegram at today’s game, as I made the trek out to Citi Field to see the Nats play for the first time this season. They wouldn’t give me a press pass, but I still had a good location where I could really get inside information about the players:



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2012 Washington Nationals Roster


The new style for team photos has made some of the players uncomfortable.

Spring is over. The battle to be one of the last 25 standing has come to a close. While some argue that certain people didn’t deserve to make the team, and others say that some players were snubbed, the one thing I think we can all agree on is that twenty-five players have been selected.

Let’s look at the team:

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Twenty-fifth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. The Rest of the State Complained About Being Identified With Us So It’s Just Miami Now Marlins

Jose Reyes, practicing his pose in case anyone ever asks him to endorse a male enhancement product

The Nationals were given the opportunity today to demonstrate that they can beat a team whose existence isn’t an embarrassment to the concept of athletics. Did they take advantage of it? SPOILERS AHEAD: Continue reading

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