Tag Archives: mascots

Nationals Offer Terms of Surrender to Phillies

The following telegram from Washington, DC to Philadelphia was intercepted this morning at 08:52 hours and is presented here exclusively by The Zimmerman(n) Telegram.

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To:

Ruben Amaro
Philadelphia Phillies Foreign Ministry

The war is over. You all but conceded defeat when you traded away two of your best warriors on July 31. When the war began, even our own strategists predicted that it would be a long war of attrition stretching through summer deep into the autumn months. Instead, our victory was swift and decisive.

And yet, you keep fighting. Why? It is futile. It will only cause more suffering to the young men and their families on both sides, all to no purpose. Your two recent victories have done little to delay your inevitable defeat.

If you continue to resist, the consequences may be severe. I’m not saying for sure that we will send Sean Burnett riding a nuclear bomb into the heart of Philadelphia. But I’m saying we’ll probably do it. “Two birds with one nuclear bomb,” and all that. Plus, if there were ever a person I’d describe as “Dr. Strange Love,” it’s Sean Burnett.

It’d almost be a shame¬†not to nuke Philadelphia, the idea is so perfect.

If you’d like to avoid that outcome, we have a proposal for you: surrender. These are our terms. Continue reading

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Jair’s Poor Judgment: Nats Earn Bravos By Beating Them

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Using pine tar for deodorant is something Ryan has done for years. (AP Photo/Cliff Owen)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Braves 2.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-5, 3 R, 2 HR, 3 RBI. Ryan’s efforts over the past few weeks have been paying the team back nicely for the contract they gave him this winter. Now if only he’d pay them back for lunch. Come on Ryan, show some good manners. It’s not like they have 100 million dollars to use to cover the tab every day.

Shame of the Game:

Jair Jurrjens: Loss, 2.1 IP, 9 H, 6 ER. With 9 hits in such a short time, Jair Jurrjens is looking to be a part of ‘N Sync a little too late.

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Everything is okay again. For a while there it wasn’t. Nothing was okay. The world was shattering to pieces around the Nats, and all they could do was pick the shards out of their hair like lice (Tom Gorzelanny was especially good at that, since he has actual lice). The magical year was over, it seemed. It had been a fun time, being in first place so late in July. But a fun time was all it was going to be. The Braves were always going to catch the Nats eventually; it had been foolish to hope otherwise.

But lo! Have faith, ye faithless, for I present to you…(bum babum bum bum bum babum) Continue reading

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