Tag Archives: matt holliday

NLDS Game 5: A Nationals Tragedy

The gateway would have better represented what was in store for me inside had it read “Arbeit Macht Frei.”

Baseball is over, and I have come a long way in my emotional healing process since attending Game 5 of the NLDS. At long last, I feel that I can write about that game without breaking down, hiding under my bed, and trembling for a few hours until the flashbacks go away. Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.

The tears wept by thousands of Nationals fans after the bottom of the 9th of Game 5 have long since turned into a fine mist that hovered over Nationals Park and descended to earth to water the outfield grass so it will grow still greener next seas-NO NO NO OH GOD IT’S ALL COMING BACK NO I CAN’T RELIVE IT ALL AGAIN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was a perfect night for October baseball. The air was crisp, the sky was clear, the crowd was abuzz, and the Cardinals fan sitting to my right was shrieking like a rabid banshee biting off her own fingers.

Oh wait, that last thing does not belong in the “perfect” category. It seemed that a woman had traveled hundreds of miles from St. Louis to Washington, DC for the sole purpose of shortening the number of years before I need a hearing aid.

People haven’t been so excited about waving red towels since brides after their wedding nights in the middle ages.

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Burn Ett to the Ground: Nats Lead Goes up in Flames, is Cremated

The only explanation I can think of for why this happened is that Teddy Roosevelt’s last words were “if there’s ever a Korean pop song that gets 90 million views on youtube called Gangnam Style, please have a comically oversized version of me reenact its music video during a baseball game.”

Final Score: Cardinals 10, Nationals 9

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-5, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R. It’s supposed to be Adam and Eve, not Adam and Kyle Lohse. Though the latter pairing seems to be working just fine for him.

Shame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann. 3.2 IP, 8 ER, 8 H, BB, 3 K. In lieu of a clever phrase describing how shameful Zimmermann was, here’s a picture of him actually looking ashamed:

Jordan Zimmerman bows his head as he walks off the field to the awkward applause of about three fans who didn’t want him to feel too¬†horrible about his start.

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Jordan Zimmermann’s inability to convince his teammates to give him run support has been well documented by us and everyone else. Well, this is why Jordan Zimmermann can’t have nice things. Despite being given six runs by a combination of some good offense and Matt Holliday’s tragic but hilarious addiction to dropping things, Zimmermann promptly gave all of them back and more before the end of the fourth inning.

It was kinda like if you had a birthday party and everybody brought you really nice gifts, and then when they left you gave them all doggy bags filled with live grenades. Continue reading

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