Tag Archives: mayonnaise

I’M TOO ANGRY TO COME UP WITH A CLEVER HEADLINE: Phils Sweep Nats

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This nut kicking epidemic is getting out of hand. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 2-4, 2 2B, 1 RBI. For the second game this series, Moore was the only National to drive in a run. I wish we could have a lot¬†Moore¬†of him in the lineup…ha…ha…but the last time we tried cloning a player, a slug snuck into the machine with Kip Wells and…well…now we have Tom. So let’s not risk that again.

Shame of the Game:

That strange congealed mayonnaise pile who sits in the Phillies dugout and makes pitching changes, for somehow out-managing Davey this series. What? That’s a human being? Hmm, that kind of explains why he’s wearing pants.

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I trusted you, Barack Obama. I trusted you, when in 2008, you promised change in Washington. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it would take time, but I thought by 2012 our time would have arrived. I understand you inherited a mess from Bush, but I hoped you would follow through with your goals. I expected the change that you promised, but all I’ve seen is the same shit that I’ve known since 2005. You have done nothing to help Washington. Just look at the numbers! We are still losing series to the Phillies and I am fed up! I voted for you to have you help Washington beat the Phillies. But instead, the Phillies sweep yet another series from us, and go up 7-5 on the season. You have done a sad sad job as President. I mean, kudos on the wars ending, gay marriage supporting, car industry saving, etc. But really, you fucked up here and that’s inexcusable.

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Hanson MMMTops Nats in Series Finale

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“Mike Morse, caught in an intimate moment.” (Photo by Jonathan Ernst/Getty Images)

Final Score: Braves 3, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-3, 1 BB, 1 2B, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. I was really hoping that Harper’s performance would ferry us to a victory. Just to be clear, we do pay Harper, even if it is an amount much below what he deserves. So please, no raids.

Shame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 0-4. For the second straight day, you turn in an 0-4 performance. No wonder our marriage is falling apart.

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There’s nothing that energizes a team offensively like a leadoff home run. There’s nothing that energizes a team even more like back-to-back leadoff home runs. But how are we supposed to sustain this energy if our Gio-Thermal sources are all dried up? Today the Nationals showed power early, but clearly the Braves are in cahoots with the pro-coal lobby since they stopped us, and America, from enjoying the renewable energy that we deserve. Well I for one am sick of this ignorant view on energy. We need to make sure the Braves know that what they’re doing is not ok. Your voice needs to be heard, and I feel there’s no better way to do that than to vote in the right people, instead of the Braves. So when you fill out your all star ballot, make sure you vote for the people who believe in Gio-Thermal energy. Vote Nationals.

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