Tag Archives: mediocrity

Dan Uggla Forgets How to Do Baseball, Nats Win in 13

I’m really looking forward to coming next time for Toetown Tuesday, when presumably they’ll replace all the intense pictures of players’ faces with pictures of their wiggling toes.

Final Score: Nationals 5, Braves 4

Dame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 2-6. It might seem like an unorthodox choice, but Kurt Suzuki had the accidental infield single that set up Chad Tracy’s dramatic walkoff easy groundball to second. You’re the Dame of the Game, Kurt Suzuki–take a Kurtsy.

Shame of the Game:

Dan Uggla: 1-6, K, that one play that ended the game. The “uggly” pun is almost too easy. But then it’s really his fault for living up so obviously to his last name.


Last night’s game was The Most Important Game of the Year for the Nationals, and I was there to witness it. What an honor. I was also there to witness The Most Important Drizzle of the Year. What an honor.

When the rain finally went on its merry way, the game got off to a pretty exciting start. The Braves scored a run. The Nats scored a lot of runs! The Braves scored one less than a lot of runs. That all added up to things being tied after four and a half innings, which I naively thought at the time would be halfway through the game. Silly me.

Another exciting game of  the crowd-favorite “Put Circles in the Circle” is completed. Continue reading

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I Left My Steroids in San Francisco: Nats Are Going Home To City Not By a Bay With a Win

Time Lincecum would have had to hold his glove up a little higher to effectively hide the fact that he was sleeping. Also, he would have had to not be the starting pitcher of an ongoing baseball game.  (AP Photo/Jeff Chiu)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Giants 4

Dame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 2-4, HR, 2B, 2 RBI, R, 2 K. Once upon a time, Danny Epinosa was having a horrible season. Now he’s having a league average season. And he lived average-happiness-level-ly ever after.

Shame of the Game:

Melky Cabrera. While he was not technically in this game, this is retroactive to all previous games he played against the Nats when he was cheating. No one cheats against the Nats and gets away with it. No one except the people who haven’t gotten caught, that is.


It shouldn’t come as that big of a surprise that so many Giants take steroids. Barry Bonds, Guillermo Mota (#s 2 and 1 in historical importance to the franchise, respectively) and now Melky Cabrera. It’s been right under our noses this whole time. Right there in the name, in fact. What is a giant if not a man using a ton of steroids? How do you think all the famous giants of myth and legend got so big?

Did Atlas just wake up one day and realize he could lift the entire planet? No, he obviously pumped himself full of man-power-juice, then did some crazy workouts Paul Ryan-style, then grabbed the earth and put it on his shoulders. How did Polyphemus become enormous and mutate himself into only having one eye? A strict diet of pure testosterone, raw vegetables, and raw sheep. Duh. And the Big Friendly Giant? Not so friendly when the roid rage hits.

Which is all by way of saying that of course the Giants are on steroids. Melky was caught, but I have little doubt that the rest of them have some kind of unnatural substances swimming around their veins. Or else they would have changed their team name already. Continue reading

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Kurt Suzuki

Kurt Suzuki never looks anyone in the eyes because his only goal in life is to never lose a staring contest.

The Kurt Suzuki Rap (Not Very Good)


Yo yo yo yo


My name is Kurt Suzuki
Got an arm like a bazook-I
But my bat’s more like a wet pool noodle

I love long walks on the beach
Letting out a primal screech
Scarfing down a plate of warm apple streudel

Share my last name with Ichiro
But don’t expect me to be your hero
No I don’t really deserve to be annointed

Though I might get some caught stealings
You’ll just end up with hurt feelings
And then cry yourself to sleep so disappointed Continue reading

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Nats Prefer Hand to Johnson in Evening Coupling

Carlos Lee takes a break from the action to read this month’s Cosmo. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Scores: Nationals 7, Marlins 4; Marlins 5, Nationals 2

Dame of the Games:

Adam LaRoche: 3-8, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, BB, K. By which I really mean “Dame of the First Game,” since he went 0-4 in the second, but I checked the “Doubleheader” section of the ponderous Dame and Shame of the Game Rulebook I have sitting next to my computer at all times and I don’t think I’m allowed to hand out that award.

Shames of the Games:

The catchers (Jesus Flores and Sandy Leon): 0-7, 4 K, 7 LOB. Psssst. Hey, Kurt Suzuki! Yeah, you. The worst hitter in the AL. C’mon over here. See if you can’t…do better than these guys.


For the second straight doubleheader, John Lannan won one game and the Nats lost the other. That’s counter-intuitive in the same way that it would be counter-intuitive if the force of gravity changed into a force that just made people perpetually collide at high speeds with the nearest other person to them. I’d rather have the Lannan thing happen than that though, I guess.

It was, on the whole, a rather unsatisfactory day for the Nats, whose split was marred by an accompanying Braves loss and an NL East lead that can now be counted on two fingers, or even two hands if you don’t know how to count with your fingers. Continue reading

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The Worley Bird Gets the Win: Phillies Worm Closer to Nats

Sean Burnett speaks for us all, for once. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)

Final Score: Phillies 3, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

None of the above. (just pretend there’s a list of every National who played in the game right above this line)

Shame of the Game:

None of the above, also. Guess we need a new category for this one.

Tame of the Game:

All of the above. The Nationals’ performances ranged from “average” to “mediocre.” No one was really good. No one was outstandingly horrible. Everyone was boring.


Vance Worley and the tattered remains of a team that its fans used to call the Phillies but are now too ashamed to do so beat the Nats last night. If the Washington Senators were affectionately described as “first in our hearts, last in the National League,” then the Phillies should now be unaffectionately described as “last in our hearts, last in the NL East, last in everything else.”

The Nats didn’t really seem to understand why they were playing this game. It was a one run game, so it theoretically should have been exciting to watch, but instead it was more like watching paint dry on growing grass. On the outcome of the game rested the difference between the Nats being 16.5 games ahead of the Phillies and being 14.5 games ahead. The Braves lost to the Marlins, so the Nats were free to lose as well without much consequence.

I feel that such a mediocre game merits a mediocre blog post. As such, I will conclude these fairly uninteresting paragraphs with a replacement level joke. Presented below are some lists that serve as a metaphor for the Nats performance in this game. Continue reading

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The Moore-al of the Story: Wild Pitches Come to Those Who Wait

At a pivotal moment, Bryce Harper develops a sudden and inexplicable interest in the outcome of the Diamondbacks/Reds game. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 4

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-4, HR, R, RBI, K. After striking out with the tying run on third in the 9th, Moore seemed destined to do the same with the winning run on third in the 10th. Thanks to a timely wild pitch, we’ll never know if he would have. The hypothetical outcome of that at-bat will go down with the other great counterfactuals of history, like “what would have happened if Hitler had gotten into art school” and “what would have happened if Tyler Moore hadn’t struck out his previous time up.”

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: 1 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, 2 K, BS. All good things must come to an end, and Clippard’s consecutive save streak since becoming the Nats full time closer is apparently no exception. I know that’s a fundamental fact of the universe what with the passage of time and inevitability of death and all that, but still. I really thought this one had a chance to be the one good thing that lasts for eternity. Oh well.


Last night was not the first time this year that the Nats have defeated the Mets in a dramatic, lead-changing, blown-saves-filled game this year. But it was the only time that that happened when it was also last night. Thus, I am contractually obligated to write about it now, assuming you count shouting “I PROMISE TO WRITE A GAME RECAP EVERY OTHER GAME FOR THE WHOLE YEAR” three times in a row while grabbing The Giology Professor’s ears to be a contract. Which you totally would if you were a lawyer. Anyway, here goes.

This game was basically the platonic ideal of a 2012 Nationals game for precisely eight innings. Seven shutout innings by Ross “The Anti-Wang” Detwiler, limited but sufficient offense, and Brad Lidge nowhere to be seen.  Continue reading

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