Tag Archives: Mike Gonzalez

The Bum Garners a Win: Nats Get Bad Reception at AT&T

Image

Davey Johnson, as he is being shown on the kiss cam, realizing all those he would want to kiss are long dead. (Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Giants 6, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Gonzalez: .1 IP. You were brief, harmless, and barely worth remembering. Just like my first time. And my second time. And my third time. And my fourth time. And…

Shame of the Game:

Drew Storen: .1 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 4 ER. The Nats have a new marketing campaign inspired by Mountain Dew, where fans are encouraged to “Do the Drew.” This involves ruining the night of the people who count on you any way you’re able.

———-

I’ve never liked the 8th inning. It doesn’t have the same level of excitement that the 9th has, but still serves as a reminder that the game is almost over and you’ll have nothing to distract you from your children, who smell really bad frankly. You would think a 2-year-old would take some time to clean themselves up and change that diaper. Tuesday’s 8th inning furthered my hatred of this inning in general. An inning that really only serves as a source of desperate pornographic material for when the internet is down. I mean if you try really hard, the 8 looks like boobs. Chances are though that it won’t be hard at all.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Erasable Pen: Relievers Relieve Nats of 9 Run Lead

Image

The game was delayed for a bit to clean up the mess Sean Burnett left on the mound. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Braves 11, Nationals 10.

Dame of the Game:

Every Batter, Except Bryce Harper Strangely: 15-41, 9 R, 1 2B, 3 HR, 10 RBI, 5 BB. Every spot in the order minus Harper’s and the pitcher’s spot produced hits. Which is strange because I expected a lot more out of Strasburg’s bat. The offense came alive with a powerful jolt unlike many games before during this season. A similar birth to Frankenstein’s Monster. Just like Frankenstein’s Monster, the team was simply looking for affection. But some people misunderstand them, and treat them in ways they don’t deserve. Which leads me to the…

Shame of the Game:

Every Pitcher, Except Mike Gonzalez Strangely: Loss, Blown Save, 9.1 IP, 14 H, 7 BB, 11 R, 10 ER, 10 K. Mike Gonzalez was the one clear, greaseless spot, on the young teenage acne-riddled face that is the Nationals. Each other pitcher in their own unique pus-filled way, clogged up the pores that the fans breathe through easily and made this game a miserable experience that would surely result in no celebratory sex for any party involved. It sure sucks having acne, especially when it’s as pus-filled and gross as Tom Gorzelanny.

———-

Well what the fuck? You had a 9 run lead. A 9 run lead going into the 6th. Even a 5 run lead going into the 8th. And lastly a 1 run lead going into the 9th. But you ended up going down a run. You blew more leads than a journalist who is not very good at his job. Oh sure, you tied it in the 9th for a bit, but that didn’t last. Instead you thought back to preschool when your mom told you to share, and you decided to give the Braves a run since you had just scored. Well sharing isn’t caring. Sharing is instead despairing. Parents, please let your child know about this miserable truth, lest they make friends and smile before it’s too late.

The offense was great. What a good job they did. Gold stars all around. Which I haven’t done since Jason Marquis got offended that he had to wear one and left. But the pitching, well you did bad. So bad that I will now look at each pitcher and analyze what they did to contribute to the miserable.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Moore-al of the Story: Wild Pitches Come to Those Who Wait

At a pivotal moment, Bryce Harper develops a sudden and inexplicable interest in the outcome of the Diamondbacks/Reds game. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 4

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-4, HR, R, RBI, K. After striking out with the tying run on third in the 9th, Moore seemed destined to do the same with the winning run on third in the 10th. Thanks to a timely wild pitch, we’ll never know if he would have. The hypothetical outcome of that at-bat will go down with the other great counterfactuals of history, like “what would have happened if Hitler had gotten into art school” and “what would have happened if Tyler Moore hadn’t struck out his previous time up.”

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: 1 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, 2 K, BS. All good things must come to an end, and Clippard’s consecutive save streak since becoming the Nats full time closer is apparently no exception. I know that’s a fundamental fact of the universe what with the passage of time and inevitability of death and all that, but still. I really thought this one had a chance to be the one good thing that lasts for eternity. Oh well.

——–

Last night was not the first time this year that the Nats have defeated the Mets in a dramatic, lead-changing, blown-saves-filled game this year. But it was the only time that that happened when it was also last night. Thus, I am contractually obligated to write about it now, assuming you count shouting “I PROMISE TO WRITE A GAME RECAP EVERY OTHER GAME FOR THE WHOLE YEAR” three times in a row while grabbing The Giology Professor’s ears to be a contract. Which you totally would if you were a lawyer. Anyway, here goes.

This game was basically the platonic ideal of a 2012 Nationals game for precisely eight innings. Seven shutout innings by Ross “The Anti-Wang” Detwiler, limited but sufficient offense, and Brad Lidge nowhere to be seen.  Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Mike Gonzalez

Image

Mike often finds himself getting into fights with his imaginary friend Tulio.

Mike Gonzalez is a true lefty specialist. At times appearing for just a single batter, Gonzalez’s role on this team is an important yet limited one. To honor his often brief but successful appearances, I will write him a player profile that fits that very mold. This will be brief, yes, but it will do as good a job of explaining who Mike Gonzalez is as it can in this short amount of time it is given. Just like Mike.

Continue reading

Tagged , ,

Jordan Zimmermann’s Bizarre World: Nats Start Good, End Bad, Imitate Mass Effect 3

Image

Todd Helton is doing something so blatantly wrong in this picture. Don’t hit it right at the catcher, send it down the line! Rookie. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Rockies 4, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 3 H, 2 BB, 1 ER, 2 K. Despite a thorough fucking of the Rockies, Zimmermann did not receive a win. This example alone should make sabremetrics the clear victor over traditional statistics as a value of what makes a good player.

Shame of the Game:

Sean Burnett: 0 IP, 3 H, 2 ER. Despite a thorough fucking of the house, Burnett did not receive a loss. Nevermind, THIS example alone should make sabremetrics the clear victor over traditional statistics as a value of what makes a good player.

———-

Host: It’s time to play Family Feud! Let’s get started, give me Jim, give me Davey. Let’s go!

Host: 100 people surveyed, top 5 answers on the board. Name a way you blew Sunday’s game.

*Davey buzzes in*

Davey: Bringing Sean Burnett in.

Host: Show me “Bringing Sean Burnett in!”

*Board reveals that as 5th best answer*

Host: Will you play or pass?

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Civil War: Yankees Win Battle in Sportsmanlike and Reasonable Manner

Image

With his on-field skill on the decline, Xavier Nady seeks to help the team in other ways. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Yankees 7, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Morse: 2-4, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 RBI. Morse was one of the few bright spots tonight, but just like with the Titanic, it could not save the Nationals. Although we all know which event caused greater losses because let’s be honest, it would’ve been a big deal to beat the Yankees. Ugh, life sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: .1 IP, 1 H, 2 BB, 3 ER. Bad Lidge (that’s right, I said it) is bad. He’s been terrible since returning from his injury, leading me to believe there must be something wrong. Yet we keep sending him out there looking for a win, just like a selfish trainer might send his race horse out despite injury. I think the next time we see Lidge struggling to finish what we asked of him, just like a race horse we should put him down right there on the field, and take away the pain.

———-

The Yankees can buy a lot of things. They can buy the best players. They can buy the nicest amenities for fans. They can buy the souls of young children to feed the ever growing lust for them that the Steinbrenner family has. But there is one thing the Yankees cannot buy, and that is a win. However they still do get wins, it’s not like they’re a team of completely immobile old men (note: A-Rod is just a semi-immobile old man).

One of those wins came tonight as the Nationals and Yankees opened up a series at Nationals Park. It marks the first time the teams faced off since 2009, when the Nationals took 2 of 3 at Yankee Stadium, and ended up winning 59 games and a last place finish. Before that in 2006, the Nationals took 2 of 3 in Washington, and ended up winning 71 games and a last place finish. For the love of God you Yankees, please don’t let us take 2 of 3 again.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Daisuke Has Been Cast: Nats Roll in Matsuzaka’s Return

This was actually the cover photo in the latest issue of Asian Nipples Weekly. (Photo by Winslow Townson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Red Sox 2

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 6.1 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, 2 BB, 5 K. Mike Gonzalez did not manage the runners he inherited from Gio very well, allowing two of them to score. In related news, Mike Gonzalez was recently removed from Gio Gonzalez’s will.

Shame of the Game:

Daisuke Matsuzaka: 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 8 K. First the earthquake and nuclear meltdown, and now this guy’s representing them again. Tough times for the Japanese.

——-

The Curse of the Bambino, caused by the Red Sox selling Babe Ruth to the Yankees, prevented Boston from winning a World Series for 86 years. Now the Red Sox have a new curse to contend with: the Curse of F. P. Santangelo, caused by F. P. merely entering Fenway Park. Since that happened, the Red Sox have not won a game against the Nationals. The curse is indisputable. I have never seen a more obvious causal chain.

Gio Gonzalez helped the curse along by holding the Red Sox at bay into the 7th inning. His biggest scare of the night happened when he and Jesus Flores got crossed up, leading to Flores getting hit in the crotch with a curveball. By the law of the Curse of the Catcher, Flores’ cup should have shattered into millions of tiny cup-pieces which would embed in his groin, rendering him incapable of catching again or fathering children. However, he was fine. This startling turn of events leads me to believe that perhaps the Nationals can only have one curse at a time and F. P. Santangelo has rendered the old curse obsolete through his Santangelic powers.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mike Gonzalez Called Up, Phone Bill Slightly Increases

Image

Gonzalez finds the inside of his hat to be amazingly interesting.

The Nationals called up Mike Gonzalez today, adding a once tremendous, twice mediocre, and thrice much too grabby player to their bullpen. Gonzalez will provide another lefty arm, leading the rest of the Nats to be more careless knowing that if their left arms are amputated they have a new backup.

Ryan Perry was sent down to make room for Gonzalez, leading Collin Balester fans to say “See, I told you we shouldn’t have done that trade!” Ok Balester family, please be quiet, the rest of us don’t really care.

Tagged , , ,

Nationals Sign Mike Gonzalez

Image

A young autograph seeker reluctantly gives Gonzalez her ball and pen. The ball was found in the trash not long after.

The Nationals have signed lefty reliever Mike Gonzalez to a minor league deal. A former Topps All-Star Rookie LHP, Gonzalez will surely be of great use for the Nationals. Just look at some of the other Topps All-Star Rookies from 2004, all of whom are so good now. Khalil Greene, Jason Bay, Terrmel Sledge AND Daniel Cabrera! I don’t understand why Gonzalez was still available.

This provides another lefty arm that can come out of the bullpen, and the first lefty arm that belongs to a man who isn’t grotesque. I look forward to his minimal contributions, if he has any at all.

Tagged , , , ,