Tag Archives: Mike Rizzo

Mike Rizzo Extended, Promoted, Why?


“You promoted me? Have you seen how our team’s doing?”

Mike Rizzo has signed a new long-term contract and was also promoted to President of Baseball Operations. In other news, I was promoted to CEO of my company for producing a massive shit, so pretty much the same thing.

I’m probably overreacting. Rizzo created a team that did fantastic last year, and is just vastly underperforming this year. Reasonably, he’s not the one to blame.

Unreasonably, he is the one to blame. Fire him! Fire everyone! Burn this whole team down and start from scratch! Just make sure Ben’s Chili Bowl is protected from the fire, that will be the only thing to carry over to the new regime.

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1 Is The Loneliest Number That You’ll Ever Hit: A Reds Series Recap

Game 1:


Gio and this female reporter have very different reactions to being covered in urine. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Nationals 8, Reds 1

I had my iTunes playlist all ready for Gio’s start. Songs like “Walk This Way,” “These Boots Are Made For Walking,” “Walking On Sunshine,” and many more tunes that would make paraplegics very depressed, were all primed up and ready to be played every time Gio walked a batter. And wouldn’t you know it, Gio lacked control yet again. He walked DOUBLE the amount of players that he allowed hits to. That’s right, TWO walks, and- Oh. He threw an 8 inning 1 hitter? That’s pretty awesome. Knowing Gio had such a good game relaxes me more than those other 1 hitters filled with pot.

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Nats Exercise Mike Rizzo’s 2014 Option


Someone finally explains to Mike what rain is, and why umbrellas are a good idea.

Just a short time ago, the Nationals announced that they have exercised Mike Rizzo’s 2014 option. When asked why, ownership released a statement something along the lines of, “It was getting chunky around the waist and we wanted it to live a healthy life, so we forced it onto a treadmill.”

Rizzo has put together an excellent ball club, assuming 10 and 11 are your favorite numbers, in that specific order. But a final verdict for Rizzo’s efforts has not been reached, as its still too early to tell where the team will end up this season. Much like its still too early to burn all your Nationals clothing and throw away your season tickets every time the team loses a game. My parents are getting upset about how much I’m spending.

Rizzo also has an option for 2015, but it has not been exercised yet. Team doctors say it’s in fine health, and needs no lifestyle change.

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Nationals Sign Chris Young (The Pitcher, WE CAN ONLY MAKE THIS JOKE SO MANY TIMES)


Here’s a picture as boring as it is to write Chris Young transactional news.

We did this, like, a few weeks ago. Come on, Rizzo. Don’t you know we have jokes to make? Stop giving us the same tired old material.

To summarize: Chris Young is back. He’s tall, he’s smart, and he’s got a very boring name that is hard to make puns with. CHRIST, this is frustrating.

You got anything?

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Bernadina and Nats Avoid Arbitration


Unrelated, Bernadina laughs at a man’s small penis.

According to his agent, Roger Bernadina has reportedly avoided arbitration. There is very little known at this time but Mike Rizzo was seen with all his limbs still in tact, so we can assume the process went relatively smoothly.

Update: Shark will make $1,212,500 plus $130,000 in incentives. People better watch out, because Shark contracts are clearly on the rise.

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Detwiler Agrees to One Year Deal


Detwiler and Rizzo (in a wig with a lot of plastic surgery) agree to the deal.

Ross Detwiler and the Nationals have agreed to a contract worth $2.3375 million plus incentives for the 2013 season, avoiding arbitration. Now I know there’s a lot of criticism out there for people who spend lots of money on high end breeds. So spending over 2 million dollars on a dog like Ross will be met with a lot of backlash. Sure I feel bad that there are so many poor dogs just sitting out there, begging to be taken home for nothing. Like that poor Randy Wolf-mix, or the LaBradPennydor Retriever.

But the Nationals deserve a high quality dog for their high quality team. They need one to compete on the highest level. One who can strike out a Bichon Freese or a Jack Russell Martin Terrier with ease. Because of this, I welcome the Nationals bringing back Ross. He will surely be an important part of our team, and additionally can probably help Davey Johnson do stuff around the clubhouse if Davey’s eyesight starts going.

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Nats Sign Two to Minor League Deals


And one of them likes to play golf. I hope he doesn’t blow late season games just to get out on the course.

While the following moves happened a few days ago, they are still worth noting. Especially since nothing else is happening for the Nationals aside from Adam LaRoche saying he wants 3 years, Mike Rizzo saying he won’t budge from two years, and that process repeating again and again. It’s like some terrible sitcom that has an overdone, recycled plot for many of its episodes and ends up going nowhere. Well hopefully the LaRoche saga, as well as How I Met Your Mother, will both be over soon.

The Nationals have signed Mike Costanzo and Matt Torra to minor league deals. Costanzo immediately brings to mind George Costanza. They clearly have the same unfortunate luck, as Costanzo spent some time with the Phillies in his career. He had a cup of coffee in the majors, only it was bitter and instead of cream contained many tears. Costanzo had 21 plate appearances for the Reds and did not produce much. But hopefully, with some semi-decent career minor league numbers, Costanzo can do something for this organization that isn’t just sparking ideas for new Seinfeld jokes.

Matt Torra was part of the impressive draft class of Justin Upton, Alex Gordon, Ryan Braun, Ricky Romero, Troy Tulowitzki, Andrew McCutchen, Jay Bruce, and our own Ryan Zimmerman. Sadly, he was none of those people. Having been drafted 31st overall in 2005, Torra’s career has been less than stellar to this point. But while his stats may not be that good, we’re stuck with him now. No, releasing is not an option for Torra. Why you ask? Well if we dropped the Torra, we’d have to fast for 40 days. And Ben’s Chili Bowl is far too delicious to do that.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Zach Duke


The Duke and his jester pass judgment.

In honor of Zach Duke Week here at the Zimmerman(n) Telegram, we present to you the final 2012 Nationals Player Profile of 2012: the Dukester himself.


Brrr-brrrr-brrrr-BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (a trumpet heralds the arrival of Zack Duke, Duke of Zachs) 

Court Master: Welcome, one and all, to the court of the Duke of Zachs. The Duke will hear all of your petitions today. Know that the righteous will be treated with fairness and generosity, but the deceivers will receive their due punishment.

The first petitioner may step forward.

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Davey Johnson Coming Back


Once Rizzo saw the back of Davey’s head, he knew he was the right man for the job.

Davey Johnson is coming to back to manage the Nationals 2013. In what always seemed like the inevitable, Davey signed a contract to remain at the team’s helm for one more year. I never thought he would go anywhere else. Since he lost his walker, and it’s very hard for a man his age to move around.

Johnson was already contracted to be an advisor to the team for 2013 and 2014, but will remain manager for one year before retiring from on-field duty and joining the front office. He cited “unfinished business” as part of the reason he chose to come back. I’m assuming this unfinished business is a constant stream of leaking urine and feces. Again, a man this old has certain troubles, in this case controlling his bowels.

All joking aside, I’m very happy to have Davey back. All joking present, I’m very happy to have Methuselah back. I have no doubt he’ll lead this team in a similarly successful way to last year.

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Silver Slugger Winners Announced


Rizzo claims Strasburg’s award for himself, taking away yet another thing from Strasburg that he deserves to experience.

Earlier tonight MLB announced their Silver Slugger award winners. The Nationals won big, with Adam LaRoche, Ian Desmond, and Stephen Strasburg taking home the honor.

I’m really happy for Adam. He had a amazing comeback year for us and deserves credit. Though I worry about him having a shiny object like this around the house. Probably doesn’t help him keep his ADHD in check.

Ian winning this honor was a nice reaffirmation of how good his season was. He took great strides towards becoming a versatile offensive player. He can hit for power, hit for average, steal bases, AND produce runs for the other team with his errors. Few players are as all-around offensively minded like that. Probably for the better.

It was no surprise that Strasburg took home this honor, having been our offensive leader for quite some time this season. I think we can all agree that when Rizzo shut down Strasburg we worried that it would negatively impact the quality of our pitching, yes. But first and foremost, we were afraid that with less playtime the voters might not recognize Strasburg for this award that he deserved. Thankfully Strasburg at least came away with the biggest thing that matters to players, especially pitchers. No, not a playoff win. No, not a world series ring. But a Silver Slugger award.

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