Tag Archives: milk

Do The Nationals Enable Underage Drinkers?

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Clearly yes, as seen above. Oh that’s Mike Rizzo? I thought it was a giant baby.

For a while I wondered what the Nationals would do if they clinched a playoff spot when it came to celebration. Most teams celebrate with champagne and beer, but with 19-year old Bryce Harper on the team, that clearly wasn’t a legal option. Certain teams have taken steps to cater to teammates’ needs, such as the Rangers using soda to celebrate with Josh Hamilton. The Nationals could have done something similar for the youthful Bryce. Chocolate milk, perhaps?

But no, the Nationals, Bryce included, celebrated using using alcohol last night. I hate to do it, but I think we should call for the arrest of those involved. In a game like baseball we cannot allow underage drinking to thrive. Steroids, prostitutes and cocaine, that’s fine. But underage alcohol use, no way.

Now I’m sure Bryce might say that he wasn’t consuming the beer and only using it to spray on people, citing his religious beliefs. He famously denied that he would drink alcohol while in Canada earlier this year. Come on Bryce. Are we supposed to believe that? People who handle cocaine don’t just throw it everywhere to make it feel like Christmas. People who use LSD don’t just glue the paper over a spelling mistake when they’re out of white out. Bryce, stop clowning around.

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25 or 11 to 5: Chicago Instrumental in Making Nats Fans Happy

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Edwin Jackson is a really entertaining juggler, even with just one ball. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 11, Cubs 5.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 4-4, 2 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI, 1 BB. I already knew from¬†The Creation of Adam¬†that Adam had a lot of muscle. I also knew he’d have to do really impressive things like this to help compensate for “down there.”

Shame of the Game:

Chris Rusin: Loss, 1 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 5 ER, 1 K. This performance by Rusin was really sub-carpathian-par.

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It’s not often a team throws seven pitchers out there that I’ve never heard of. Usually it only happens when watching AAA teams like the Buffalo Bisons or Houston Astros. But the Cubs joined that club tonight. I was introduced to seven pitchers who I have never heard of before tonight’s game. I know it’s bad to say this, as somebody who covers baseball, but I really just had no idea who I was watching. Even though there was one Cub who pitched in last night’s game. He was just as forgettable as our our team’s owners make our time in Montreal seem.

But as a reporter, I feel it is my duty to know who I am reporting on. That being said, I’m kind of tired and don’t really want to do much research. So here are my possibly uneducated feelings about the 7 men who pitched for the Chicago Cubs on Tuesday night. I hope they’re all accurate.

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What Was in That Melk?

“Have you ever taken any performance enhancing drugs, Melky?”
“Thank you.”

The Melkman has delivered a 50 game suspension to himself.

Melky Cabrera has been suspended for 50 games, effective immediately, for testing positive for testosterone. Probably his best defense at this point is that he has elevated levels of testosterone because he has sex with so many many porn stars. If that’s not the explanation and he is actually guilty, you might wonder how someone could be so stupid as to take steroids given Major League Baseball’s seemingly effective drug testing program. The answer is probably just that some people are very stupid and Melky Cabrera is one of them.

The “effective immediately” clause means he won’t be playing against the Nats this afternoon, which is clearly good news as he’s hit pretty well against Washington this season. It’s less good news for the Giants, who don’t have that many other good hitters and will have to cope with knowing that one of their best offensive performers was cheating the whole time. That will be truly difficult for the city of San Francisco overcome, as they have never had to deal with something like this befo-

Oh, wait, never mind. I think they’ll be fine.

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Ninth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals (SPLIT SQUAD!) vs. The Jason Bay Experience

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Two Mets players celebrate a loss by only single digits.

The Washington Nationals split squad met the New York Mets full squad today, in what proved to still be a one-sided contest, as the Nats beat the Mets 8-2. On the mound it was a battle of true adventurers R.A. Dickey, who recently climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, and Chien-Ming Wang, who recently drank some milk without checking the expiration date or smelling it first. Both men turned in poor showings, but the Nats bullpen had a good performance to seal the victory. Brad Lidge went another showing without giving up a home run to Albert Pujols, although that NLCS one still hasn’t come down like Lidge’s confidence in himself has.

For those Mets fans still wondering when David Wright will make his spring training debut, check a Mets blog.

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