Tag Archives: Milwaukee Brewers

A Jackson Led Massacre: DC Leader Causes Trails of Tears for Nats Fans

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Shane Robinson gets real excited when his teammates give him treats. (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Final Score: Cardinals 12, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Zach Duke: 1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Zach, you were the only one who didn’t hurt at all last night. A compliment in baseball, a demoralizing feeling in orgies.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Loss, 1.1 IP, 6 H, 4 BB, 8 ER. I don’t know what’s worse. Edwin doing so poorly, or the time I nearly drowned in the ocean. Probably Edwin’s performance.

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In April, I predicted the Diamondbacks would be World Series champions. A pretty reasonable prediction, I’m betting many analysts expected a 173-0 season from them. But on Friday, my prediction was proven wrong. For you see, with the Nationals loss, the Diamondbacks were officially eliminated from playoff contention. It’s normal for the Nationals to have September losses that have such a great negative impact on other people. But before this year the negative impact wasn’t felt by other teams, but rather by fans who had to turn to greasy food to fill the happiness void in our lives. But now, we control the fate of dozens of players and thousands of fans. Tonight, we decide if Milwaukee makes it or doesn’t. I’m sure thinking that Milwaukee doesn’t deserve to make the playoffs. Unless maybe they send a little gift our way. Yovani Gallardo will probably do…

…Or cheese. Cause cheese is delicious.

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Brew Crew Cut Down: DC Overpowers Brewers Again, Prohibition Back in Effect?

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Adam LaRoche was very excited about Zim’s home run. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 12, Brewers 2.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman + Jordan Zimmermann: Win, 6.2 IP, 4 H, 2 BB, 1 ER, 7 K; 5-7, 3 R, 1 HR, 5 RBI, 1 BB. The Republicans should’ve made this their ticket for the upcoming election. They’re better than Romney/Ryan in that they’re likable, but still have similarities in that they’re both very white and make union members from Wisconsin miserable.

Shame of the Game:

Kameron Loe + Manny Parra: 2.1 IP, 5 H, 4 BB, 5 ER, 1 K. If the Brewers hope to stay in games, they’re gonna need a better Parra relief pitchers than these two. This must feel like a real Loe point for the team.

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The Sun. It might give life to the world. It might be the reason that any of us exist. It might one day envelop the earth in its fiery furnace, destroying everything humanity has ever created. But it is a total pushover.

Writing about Sunday’s game, this blog declared war on the Sun for the terrible things it did to our outfield. It appears though that just the threat of war has revealed the sun as a cowardly massive ball of flame. During today’s game, the Sun realized that it had allied with the wrong side and decided to change the game in our favor, as it blinded Carlos Gomez leading to some runs for the Nationals. The Sun is clearly afraid of our force. He knows we have the power to take him down. 180 home runs, right? That’s the amount of power it takes to extinguish the Sun? I thank The Sun for coming to its senses, and hope that we have an agreement for the future. You don’t blind our outfielders, and we won’t blind yours.

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Wrath of Apollo: Sol Is Not Nats’ Favorite Sun

Jayson Werth begs forgiveness of the sun. (AP Photo/Ann Heisenfelt)

Final Score: Brewers 6, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 2-2, R, 2 BB, SB. Desmond reached safely in every plate appearance. An overconfident Desmond then went to the zoo and reached very unsafely into the cage of a hungry lion. He was lucky to escape with most of his fingers.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 3 ER, 4 H, BB, K. Mattheus did not cause all this damage himself, but he did create a situation in which the sun was allowed to cause the Nationals significant pain. His inning pitched was akin to inviting all the Nationals to a day at the beach and replacing all their suntan lotion with shaving cream.

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The Sun. It gives life to the world. It is the reason that any of us exist. It will one day envelop the earth in its fiery furnace, destroying everything humanity has ever created. It also sometimes makes it hard to catch fly balls.

Yesterday, for instance, it caused the Nats to drop two important flies, leading to enough runs to give the Brewers a victory. Bryce Harper and Jayson Werth were helpless as the sun scalded their eyes, hiding the small whiteness of the baseball in its all-consuming light. Continue reading

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NatsLive Large: Dierks Bentley Concert Overshadowed by Something of Quality

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Sadness overwhelms Kristina Akra. She just can’t stand people being so wasteful with food and drinks. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 10, Brewers 4.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 7 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 3 R (0 ER), 5 K. Speedy Gonzalez got to 20 wins faster than any pitcher in the bigs this season. We should start calling the stadium the “Mouse’s House” to honor that nickname and his accomplishment. It’d be a better nickname than calling it the “Rape Victim” after every time Sean Burnett pitches.

Shame of the Game:

Livan Hernandez: .2 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 6 ER. Livan has fallen on hard times. Meaning that hard times was probably flattened.

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With the Nationals former single season wins leader in the house (well sort of, we had trouble fitting Livan through the door entirely), Gio further distanced himself from that old record by getting his 20th win on Saturday. This is a huge accomplishment. I mean 20 wins for an individual, or a team if you’re from Houston, is amazing. I hope he can get to 21 by the end of the season, and celebrate by recklessly drinking at bars. And then maybe even 22, and celebrate by realizing you don’t get to do anything new at 22 but age. Gio has been an amazing pickup for the Nats, and has given them some special moments in his time here. Hopefully he can bring them one last special moment, the one that really matters. You know what I’m talking about. Winning that big prestigious award, The Toothy, for best smile in baseball.

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Only Fit to Clipp Toes: Clippard Is Demoted From Job as Fingernail Clipper After Loss

Senator John McCain wanders around the stadium bothering fans with boring war stories. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Brewers 4, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 H, 6 K. More like “Deadwin Jackson.” Like he’s dead. After pitching too well.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: .2 IP, 3 ER, 4 H. Tyler “The Gipper” Clippard. Like Ronald Reagan. As in, pretty bad.

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As TGP and I have returned from our weekend of BACCANALIC DEBAUCHERY, we will now begin the arduous task of parsing through this weekend’s less-than-ideal series against the Brewers. Evidence of said insobriety can be found in the above Dame/Shame descriptions, which were definitely written at some point but it is unclear by who and in what way they thought they were being witty at all.
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Well That’s Good: As Nationals Clinch, Sphincters Unclench

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Both Hanley and Jayson realize that this was a bad time for Hanley to try and let out a stealthy fart. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Dodgers 1.

Dame of the Game:

Chris Capuano: For throwing the wild pitch that gave us the lead that gave us a playoff spot. Thank you, for that historic moment in franchise history. It’s up there with other moments of incompetence, like when the Nats won their first game ever thanks to the other team forgetting to wear pants and having to forfeit.

Shame of the Game:

Matt Kemp: Not for his performance tonight, but for his HR yesterday. You jerk, making us wait a whole extra day to experience this tremendous feeling of happiness. You’re like my wife. Only she makes me wait a bit longer to experience such happiness. It’s been almost as long as the Washington postseason drought…

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The Nationals are headed to the playoffs. While this man might be shocked to hear it, we are not kidding him. For the first time in this team’s history, they will get a taste of postseason baseball. Which kind of tastes gross and sweaty, after all the time Tommy LaSorda spent stewing away in it. They have still yet to clinch the division, as their magic number is 8. A truly magical number, considering how much it looks like boobs. But for now, let’s enjoy the fact that this team has made the postseason at all. Knowing that on October 5th, the Nationals will still be playing baseball is a great feeling. And knowing that it could all be over 5 days later is a miserable feeling. I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist, but after seeing things like John Kruk exist, it’s hard to think that the world can give us inspiring, beautiful things anymore.

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Sit ’em Down John, Sit ’em Down John: Lannan Shuts Mets Out in Return

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I am blessed with fame yet again.

Final Score: Nationals 2, Mets 0.

Dame of the Game:

John Lannan: Win, 5.2 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 2 K, 0 R. Stephen who? In his third start of the year, Lannan pitched excellently to lower his ERA to 2.41. What’s that? Oh yes that’s right, Strasburg. Stephen Strasburg…….god I still miss him.

Shame of the Game:

Jon Rauch: 1 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 1 K. Rauch immediately allowed an important insurance home run to Desmond upon entering. We can all thank him for his first useful contribution to the world since getting that jar down from the top shelf thanks to his height.

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I might be the first person in history to say, “that sure was a fun Mets game, I’ll happily go again soon!” After seeing the Nationals play in Queens on Monday, I decided to go back for Wednesday’s game. It was a thrilling experience, one that I will never forget. Unlike Mets fans, who down a pill bottle after each game to try and develop some sort of amnesia to escape the pain. I took the subway out from Manhattan and found it to be packed. Am I in for a raucous crowd tonight? The answer clearly became “no,” as many of them left 2 stops before proving themselves to be commuters. That “no” was further solidified as I walked past the parking lot, no longer being used as spillover for the US Open.

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An empty parking lot. That makes more sense. Also, a thumb.

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Nationals Claim Cesar Izturis, DL DeRosa, DFA Severino

Cesar Izturis is a National. I will pause for the excited applause..

…hmm, I must be deaf. I didn’t really hear anything. Izturis was claimed off waivers from the Brewers to provide the Nationals with some defensive depth. Cesar was once traded straight up for Greg Maddux, meaning he must be a Hall of Fame level player as well. Either that, or Greg Maddux farted so much around the clubhouse that they were just dying to trade him.

With Izturis being added to the team, two Nationals will be changing spots. Mark DeRosa is headed to the DL yet again, leading me to believe that Nick Johnson is here and is just very good at disguising himself as DeRosa.

Additionally, the Nats DFA’d Atahualpa Severino to make room on the 40-man for Izturis. I’m all teary eyed while writing out this news. Now if you’ll excuse me, I should get back to cutting up these onions.

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The Boy Who Cried, Wolf: Milwaukee Just Talkie, With Bad Showing

The jersey were actually meant to support gay marriage. But the Nationals encountered another embarrassing spelling error. (Photo by Mike McGinnis/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Brewers 1.

Dame of the Game:

Corey Brown: 1-5, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Corey probably didn’t have the best performance tonight, but he hit his first career home run. This award for him is kind of like praising a kid for his first poop on his own, even if he did it in the tub.

Shame of the Game:

Randy Wolf: Loss, 7 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 4 ER, 6 K. Wolf is always randy. In both name, and because no baseball groupie is lining up to satisfy him given his many poor performances like this.

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Today was a big day for Jordan Zimmermann, as many of his family and friends came from Jordan’s nearby home town to see him pitch. While many baseball players are very excited to play in front of family, Zimmermann worried his teammates would make a bad first impression. It’s no secret that Jordan has had trouble getting his teammates to cooperate this year. Thus, he felt worried that his family would think less of them, despite Jordan really caring about them. The situation had the potential to be like Jordan bringing home a girlfriend, only to have her shit all over the carpet and leave Jordan helpless to clean up the mess. So what happened?

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Fiersd: Nats Could Find Themselves Unemployed After Poor Performance Review

Hey Jonathan LuCroy, you can’t make snow angels if there isn’t any snow. Duh. (Jeffrey Phelps / AP)

Final Score: Brewers 6, Nationals 0

Dame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: 1 IP, 0 ER, K. Figured I might as well give this to him in case of the likely event that he never does anything good again.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 4.2 IP, 4 ER, 7 H, 2 BB, 5 K. As Chien-Ming Wang might say if he followed racial-linguistic sterotypes, Detwiler got the “ross.”

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They say that revenge is a dish best served cold, but the Brewers didn’t bother to follow that maxim in getting retribution for the Nats 6 run margin of victory Thursday night. Which is ironic, since brewers usually like to serve things cold, namely beer.

I guess that’s not that ironic.

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