Tag Archives: miracles

I. Love. When This Team Wins. Performances by Zimm. And Twins: A Twins Series Recap

Game 1:


“Stephen, this is a baseball.”
“Yeah…I know. Why do you keep following me around?”
(Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Twins 4, Nationals 3

It had been over 40 years since the Minnesota franchise played in their once hometown of Washington. It was 1971, when they lost to the Senators 5-2. Warren  Magnuson had an RBI double, and Karl Mundt went 6 shutout innings.

But those Senators are long dead, as is the thought of a Washington baseball team winning a game. However I suppose the Nats had a chance, as this Twins team’s chances for success aren’t looking very attractive this season. They’re so unattractive in fact, that they don’t inspire any sort of sexual fantasy involving these Twins. Maybe it’s the fact that instead of two attractive women its 25 men, and that’s what’s making me feel that way.

But then again, I got off countless times to the thought of the ’94 Expos, who, to my knowledge, were 25 men as well. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Larry Walker is just a very butch woman.

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Nats’ Bats Cole-d: Awful Pun is Only Thing to Smile About After Loss


Shane Victorino desperately tries to avoid touching second base. I guess he just wasn’t in the mood. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Adam LaRoche produced the only runs today. One was the home run, the other was that brown stain running down Papelbon’s backside after being embarrassed.

Shame of the Game:

Cole Hamels: Win, 8 IP, 4 H, 3 BB, 0 R, 8 K. In the past we’ve given this award to people who have done so bad on the opposing team that they gave the Nationals a win. When you think about it, we should be praising those people, and shaming people like Cole Hamels who kept the Nationals from winning today. We should also be leaving flaming bags of poop on his doorstep, mocking his sexual orientation because of his long hair, and spoiling the surprise that Santa doesn’t exist. That’ll show him.

Hey guys, just got back to write this post and I see that my brother filled in the shame of the game already. Let’s see what he said. Uh huh. Uh huh. Ha, yeah, I…what? no. no no no. NOOOOOOOOOO. SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!


For the second straight Nationals-Phillies series, the Phillies won the finale after losing the first two games. In both of these games, Hamels has pitched 8 innings in a winning effort. It’s become perfectly clear that the Nationals can handle the Phillies except when Cole Hamels is pitching. We need to formulate a better strategy against him. We need to look at tape, study his pitches, and really come to a conclusion on the best way to beat him. I have done just this and might I recommend what I think would be the best strategy for taking on Cole Hamels. Break his legs so we don’t have to play him. I know that players aren’t as willing to resort to violence as they once were. But scary physical experiences have been a part of this game forever. Grabbing and throwing old men. Kicking people in the face. Jose Offerman doing anything. Breaking Cole Hamels’ legs would fit right in! It’s just vintage baseball.

It was a strange day in the life of Jesus Flores. Being one for performing miracles, Jesus tripled. I thought to myself, wow! A catcher getting a triple? If we can have that kind of speedy production out of the catcher spot then maybe losing Ramos won’t be so bad. Then Flores tried stealing a base and failed, reminding me that catchers can’t do things like that. Yet it was still nice to see that miraculous triple. Jesus always reminds us why we believe in and follow him. All 13,500 of us.

The Nats have an off day and then open up a series in Atlanta on friday night. It’ll be a battle between the top two teams in the division, although I expect Washington to come out and beat the Braves. Although we really should’ve saved Jackson for this series. Abusing them is kind of his bread and butter.

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O’s Belt Way To Victory: Homers Make Homers Sad


Ryan Zimmerman finds love in the prettiest hand in the world. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 6, Nationals 5.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-5, 2 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 2B. Zim had a nice offensive day according to some, although I thought the 9/11 jokes were a bit much.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: Loss, 5 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 6 ER, 3 K. Detwiler continues to turn in mediocre, so-so performances week after week. With Chien working his way back through rehab, the Nationals may have to turn to Wang eventually after continual disappointment with the alternative. At least they won’t have to deal with used tampons in the trash anymore.

Baltimore has always been known for a few things. Crab-related foods, massive amounts of crime, and satanic orgies amongst members of the city council (citation needed). Now, we must strangely include a first place baseball team that continues to win on that list. We can also now include Mole People who eat shoes roaming the streets (citation needed). The Orioles continue to distance themselves from rivals in the AL East, and have increased their all-time lead in the Beltway Series to 21-17. While this seems like an accomplishment, should they really feel that proud? No offense to the Nats, but before this season they weren’t really much of a success. So that 21-17 all-time lead, while a winning record, is no more impressive for the O’s than beating your dog at chess. Unless you have a dog who’s good at chess, that would be pretty impressive.

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