Tag Archives: Mo Vaughn

Cuba Lib-hooray: Cubans Can Have A-Pool Party After Win

As per tradition, representatives from each team thumb-wrestle to decide who gets home field advantage.

As per tradition, representatives from each team thumb-wrestle to decide who gets home field advantage.

Final Score: Cuba 6, Japan 3

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: A hypothetical future war to the death between Cuba and Japan

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The vast majority of MLB.com’s game summary headlines are pretty dumb, especially compared to The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s headlines, which never fail to reach the pinnacle of cleverness (like the one on this very post). Sometimes MLB.com’s are pretty unintentionally funny, though. Take the headline for this game: “Opening Statement: Cuba Sinks Japan to End First Round.”

The first half of the headline is, as usual, a useless semi-applicable figure of speech. But the second half, taken literally, is amazing.

Picture it: the year is 2113. Japan and Cuba are locked in a deadly conflict that has so offended both sides’ honor that everyone knows the only way for the war to end is for one nation to be completely annihilated. Neither state has nuclear weapons, but they are locked in an arms race to develop a weapon even more powerful…the Island-Sinker. Continue reading

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The Bum Garners a Win: Nats Get Bad Reception at AT&T

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Davey Johnson, as he is being shown on the kiss cam, realizing all those he would want to kiss are long dead. (Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Giants 6, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Gonzalez: .1 IP. You were brief, harmless, and barely worth remembering. Just like my first time. And my second time. And my third time. And my fourth time. And…

Shame of the Game:

Drew Storen: .1 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 4 ER. The Nats have a new marketing campaign inspired by Mountain Dew, where fans are encouraged to “Do the Drew.” This involves ruining the night of the people who count on you any way you’re able.

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I’ve never liked the 8th inning. It doesn’t have the same level of excitement that the 9th has, but still serves as a reminder that the game is almost over and you’ll have nothing to distract you from your children, who smell really bad frankly. You would think a 2-year-old would take some time to clean themselves up and change that diaper. Tuesday’s 8th inning furthered my hatred of this inning in general. An inning that really only serves as a source of desperate pornographic material for when the internet is down. I mean if you try really hard, the 8 looks like boobs. Chances are though that it won’t be hard at all.

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O’s Belt Way To Victory: Homers Make Homers Sad

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Ryan Zimmerman finds love in the prettiest hand in the world. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 6, Nationals 5.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-5, 2 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 2B. Zim had a nice offensive day according to some, although I thought the 9/11 jokes were a bit much.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: Loss, 5 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 6 ER, 3 K. Detwiler continues to turn in mediocre, so-so performances week after week. With Chien working his way back through rehab, the Nationals may have to turn to Wang eventually after continual disappointment with the alternative. At least they won’t have to deal with used tampons in the trash anymore.

Baltimore has always been known for a few things. Crab-related foods, massive amounts of crime, and satanic orgies amongst members of the city council (citation needed). Now, we must strangely include a first place baseball team that continues to win on that list. We can also now include Mole People who eat shoes roaming the streets (citation needed). The Orioles continue to distance themselves from rivals in the AL East, and have increased their all-time lead in the Beltway Series to 21-17. While this seems like an accomplishment, should they really feel that proud? No offense to the Nats, but before this season they weren’t really much of a success. So that 21-17 all-time lead, while a winning record, is no more impressive for the O’s than beating your dog at chess. Unless you have a dog who’s good at chess, that would be pretty impressive.

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All of Baseball Wearing 42 Today

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A true obesity baseball pioneer.

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