Tag Archives: mole people

O’s Belt Way To Victory: Homers Make Homers Sad


Ryan Zimmerman finds love in the prettiest hand in the world. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 6, Nationals 5.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-5, 2 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 2B. Zim had a nice offensive day according to some, although I thought the 9/11 jokes were a bit much.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: Loss, 5 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 6 ER, 3 K. Detwiler continues to turn in mediocre, so-so performances week after week. With Chien working his way back through rehab, the Nationals may have to turn to Wang eventually after continual disappointment with the alternative. At least they won’t have to deal with used tampons in the trash anymore.

Baltimore has always been known for a few things. Crab-related foods, massive amounts of crime, and satanic orgies amongst members of the city council (citation needed). Now, we must strangely include a first place baseball team that continues to win on that list. We can also now include Mole People who eat shoes roaming the streets (citation needed). The Orioles continue to distance themselves from rivals in the AL East, and have increased their all-time lead in the Beltway Series to 21-17. While this seems like an accomplishment, should they really feel that proud? No offense to the Nats, but before this season they weren’t really much of a success. So that 21-17 all-time lead, while a winning record, is no more impressive for the O’s than beating your dog at chess. Unless you have a dog who’s good at chess, that would be pretty impressive.

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Wolf Blitzer Inspires Nats to Walk-Off Win Over Phillies in Series Opener

Wilson Ramos magically turned himself into an airplane after his game-winning hit, to the delight of the crowd and teammates alike. Sadly, Ramos has never been to flight school, and quickly crashed in a horrific fireball. There were no casualties of note. R.I.P. Danny Espinosa. (AP Photo/Richard Lipski)

Finale Score: Nationals 4, Phillies 3

Dame of the Game: 

Joe West’s Illness. Tonight’s game was played with only three umpires, as Joe West had an “illness.” This benefited the Nats several times, including a Carlos Ruiz groundball down the third base line called foul that was probably fair and a Shane Victorino caught stealing at third where he was probably safe. So thank you, nameless virus and/or bacteria that wormed your way into Joe West’s body and caused him such misery that he couldn’t umpire tonight’s game. We couldn’t have done it without you.

Shame of the Game:

The remaining three umpires. Admittedly they were handicapped by not having an umpire at every base, but they still didn’t have to be so abysmal. The umpiring failures hurt both teams at various points in the game, so neither Phillies nor Nats fans can feel too slighted. In fact fans of both sides can join together in condemnation of these terrible umpires who deserve to be ridiculed every time they do anything for the rest of their lives. What a lovely fantasy of hateful brotherhood that is.


The time was finally here. It was time to take back the park. Our first series vs. the Phillies this season at home, one that the team had been building up to for weeks, was set to take place. With thousands of Nats fans expected to turn out it was clear that this series was going to be one of the most exciting ones in Nationals Park’s history. I am just thrilled that us here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram were to be witness to such a historic event.

Hopefully they’ll “Ignite their Natitude Park” sign after this series. It is truly horrific and deserves to be incinerated.

Oh they ruined it. So many things were covered in the word “Natitude.” The ballpark was renamed, it was plastered all over the video screen, even food was renamed in a spirited manner, leading to some confusion and multiple peanut allergy reactions/deaths when purchasing “Nutitudes.”

Despite the strange obsession with this term, the atmosphere was electric. People were excited, the players were ready to go, everyone was prepared for a thrilling series. There was nothing that could change this feeling in the air. Continue reading

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