Tag Archives: mormonism

Ross the Dross: Nats Remain Short of Division Title with Addition of Bad Pitching

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I’m fine with Kurt Suzuki having a foot fetish, but I’d rather he keep it private. (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Final Score: Cardinals 10, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: .1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Good job relieving Wang. Not many people on this team are willing to help out other guys by doing that, most of them are more interested in girls.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: Loss, 2.1 IP, 4 H, 5 BB, 7 R (3 ER), 3 K. A Missouri native, Ross was certainly excited about starting his home state. Sadly he was so excited that he was finished way too early.

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*Bell ringing*

Teacher: Alright class, now take your seats. I heard you’ve been having a little bit of trouble becoming division champs, so I was asked by Mike Rizzo to teach you some math. Now I know what some of you are saying. What does being good at division have to do with winning your division? Well, they involve the same word. And that’s how English works, right? I don’t know, I’m a math teacher. Let’s begin. We’ll start with attendance. Jayson?

Werth: Here.

Teacher: Hi Jayson, nice to meet you. Gio?

Gio: Here.

Teacher: Nice to meet you as well, Gio. Tom?

Gorzelanny: Here.

Turning head towards Tom.

Teacher: Hi Tom, it’s great t-AHHHHHH! WHAT IS THAT? Ok, um, let’s just skip introductions and move onto the division.

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I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Loss: Nationals Spread Happiness with Win

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Justin Ruggiano has no escape from the terrifying baseball. (Photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Marlins 4.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-5, 2 R, 2 HR, 3 RBI. Two home runs in one game. Wow. One wasn’t enough for you, Bryce? Oh right, you’re a Mormon.

Shame of the Game:

Jacob Turner: Loss, 5 IP, 6 H, 5 ER, 6 K. Many Nationals climbed all over Jacob’s Ladder to reach a heavenly state today from ending their five game losing streak. The Marlins on the other hand slid down the lesser noted Jacob’s Chute, falling farther into the hell that comes with being a Marlin.

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Rosie the Riveter was right. We¬†can do it! We can win baseball games! Many didn’t believe in us, many thought that we were at the point where we’d sit back and let the rest of the league run all over us like they had been for years. But disaster struck. A 5-game losing streak. We had to step up and show our worth, that we could do things just as well as anyone else. Finally, during the 6th game we have achieved what we’ve been working so hard for. Hopefully we are never relegated to sitting back and losing ever again, and we remain on an equal plane with the rest of the league for the rest of the way.

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