Tag Archives: Mormons

Nationals Ring the Bell, Win at Pitt: A Pirates Series Recap

Game 1:

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Jason Grilli’s hair starts spinning to prepare for takeoff. (AP Photo/Keith Srakocic)

Pirates 3, Nationals 1

“Fuck the Yankees.”

Having admitted to being, in addition to a Nationals fan, a Yankees fan, that is not a sentence I have said often. I said something like it once before when I asked my girlfriend to keep putting on different masks of Yankees players so I could live out a totally non-gay, non-weird fantasy. But don’t judge, cause you’d do it too if you got to imagine you were having sex with Bartolo Colon.

But it has recently become clear that the Yankees, obviously tired of winning the World Series (why else would they trade for Vernon Wells and sign Lyle Overbay?), have made it their sole objective to hurt the Nationals. The plan? It’s obvious. To acquire terrible talent and strategically send them off to teams where they could hurt the Nationals most. You may say I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I have proof that the government doesn’t want me to reveal because Bigfoot is real and 9/11 was an inside job.

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Bryce Harper Wins Rookie of the Year

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His award. I hope he can afford a VCR to play it on.

Bryce Harper can add another title to his impressive resume: Rookie of the Year. Now the only thing he has to consider is whether to put it under work experience or create an entirely different awards section. There is nothing more difficult than learning how to format a resume properly, I feel bad that he has this tremendous strain on his shoulders.

I always have found the Rookie of the Year award to be a bit presumptuous. I mean presenting it November? Who knows what’s going to happen the rest of the year. For all we know Wade Miley could invent time travel in December then go back to June and throw a couple perfect games. Or Todd Frazier could take a dump on Chase Utley’s doorstep during the first snowfall. Both of these would be much more notable accomplishments than anything Harper did this year.

Harper becomes the youngest NL ROY since Dwight Gooden. He’s also younger than any AL ROY in history, breaking the record set long ago by Mike Trout. Bryce finished with 16 first place votes, followed by Miley who came in 2nd and Frazier in 3rd. Now it’s time to go out and party! Party the way a 20-year old Mormon would of course: illegally impersonating a police officer and/or beating up gay kids.

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