Tag Archives: murder

NLDS Game 3: Badwin Jackson

I stopped off before the game at the Flags and Balloons Convention.

Did the Nats win: Nah.

Was it fun to watch: It was literally the least pleasant experience I’ve ever had watching a baseball game in person.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A nagging doubt that baseball has ever actually been enjoyable for anyone.

It was a perfect day for baseball. To be sure, many days have been described as “the perfect day for baseball” over the years, and some have definitely been better than others, so I can understand your skepticism over that statement. But I would contend that this day, the first home playoff game of your Washington Nationals, was the one. The best weather that October has to offer, a crowd of Nationals fans abuzz with what I absolutely refuse to refer to as “October Natitude,” and this thing happening:

Ian Desmond’s postseason success has apparently made him much taller, much younger, and much more contemptuous of black people.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Christian Garcia

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Christian Garcia autograph sessions are a popular event.

There are many Garcias in baseball, but only one who is a true Christian. Only one who has found the true path to success. Some Garcias like Freddy believe that the path to true enlightenment is through throwing an 80 mph fastball. Others like Karim believe that fighting groundskeepers is what we were put on this earth to do. But our Garcia knows the true path to success. The Christian way, which in his case involves meandering about in the minors for nearly a decade and reaching minimal fame.

We must all follow Garcia’s example, and live our lives the way he has lived his. To do this, I present to you this form of Christianity’s version of the 10 Commandments.

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Edwin-ter is Coming: Jackson’s Orgasmic Performance Freezes Cards Offense

“Okay, how who did it. Who took my last pop tart. Fess up before I get really angry.” (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Cardinals 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 H, 2 BB 10 K. In the Game of Throws, you Ed-Win or you Ed-die.

(I told you I had a nearly-inexhaustible supply of Game of Thrones puns.)

Shame of the Game:

Jamie Garcia: 5.1 IP, 6 ER, 9 H, 2 K. (SPOILER) Jaime just hasn’t been the same since he got his pitching hand cut off.

——–

Yeeeeeeeah…that’s the stuff.

This game was essentially the polar opposite of the last game I wrote about. Everything that was soul-crushing about Tuesday’s game was soul-enhancing about this one. After watching just a few innings of this game, I already felt like my soul was improving by leaps and bounds and I had moved several steps closer to enlightenment. By the time the Nats had won, nirvana and the true end of all suffering seemed just around the corner.

Then the game ended, I realized I really needed to do laundry, and suffering resumed. Disappointing. If I was the type of person to write something like “#natsfanproblems,” this is where I’d do it. But I’m not so don’t you DARE ever say I did. Continue reading

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Tasty Morsels: Homers Help Nats Chow Down on Houston

Lucas Harrell forgot his sled, and the fact that it wasn’t snowing, and the fact that he was supposed to be pitching. But he’s persistent. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Astros 0

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-3, 2 HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, K. Morse’s first home run was a tape measure shot, and I don’t mean everyone’s favorite drink where you grind up a tape measure and mix it with vodka.

Shame of the Game:

The Houston Astros franchise. It doesn’t get much more shameful than playing for them, or being otherwise employed by them, or hoping they’ll win.

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On Sunday night, the Astros probably lay in bed thinking “man, the only way this season could get worse is if we got swept by the Nationals.” Not just because such an outcome would be demoralizing, but also because literally the only result of a four game series that would actually cause the Astros’ winning percentage to go down significantly would be a sweep.

The Astros’ season just got worse.

It’s pretty sad. Beating the Astros is kinda like walking down the street and shoving children into oncoming traffic. Or assassinating someone who’s already hanging from a noose. Or setting a retirement home on fire. Or telling Tom Gorzelanny’s date that he has an STD. Just cruel. Continue reading

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Nationals Sign Mike MacDougal

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We have employed a giant.

The Nationals have signed Mike MacDougal to a minor league contract. MacDougal played for the Nats back in 2009, meaning he can probably only make things worse. I guess the team is taking a gamble on this Las Vegas native, hoping that he will pay out. That, or maybe they just brought him in for recommendations on hookers when the team travels to Vegas.

There isn’t much of a place for MacDougal on the big league roster right now, but if he waits around maybe something will open up. That’s what the Nats have been telling John Lannan for months to distract him from plotting to assassinate Ross Detwiler.

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The Moore-al of the Story: Wild Pitches Come to Those Who Wait

At a pivotal moment, Bryce Harper develops a sudden and inexplicable interest in the outcome of the Diamondbacks/Reds game. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 4

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-4, HR, R, RBI, K. After striking out with the tying run on third in the 9th, Moore seemed destined to do the same with the winning run on third in the 10th. Thanks to a timely wild pitch, we’ll never know if he would have. The hypothetical outcome of that at-bat will go down with the other great counterfactuals of history, like “what would have happened if Hitler had gotten into art school” and “what would have happened if Tyler Moore hadn’t struck out his previous time up.”

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: 1 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, 2 K, BS. All good things must come to an end, and Clippard’s consecutive save streak since becoming the Nats full time closer is apparently no exception. I know that’s a fundamental fact of the universe what with the passage of time and inevitability of death and all that, but still. I really thought this one had a chance to be the one good thing that lasts for eternity. Oh well.

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Last night was not the first time this year that the Nats have defeated the Mets in a dramatic, lead-changing, blown-saves-filled game this year. But it was the only time that that happened when it was also last night. Thus, I am contractually obligated to write about it now, assuming you count shouting “I PROMISE TO WRITE A GAME RECAP EVERY OTHER GAME FOR THE WHOLE YEAR” three times in a row while grabbing The Giology Professor’s ears to be a contract. Which you totally would if you were a lawyer. Anyway, here goes.

This game was basically the platonic ideal of a 2012 Nationals game for precisely eight innings. Seven shutout innings by Ross “The Anti-Wang” Detwiler, limited but sufficient offense, and Brad Lidge nowhere to be seen.  Continue reading

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Chipper Jones Out of All-Star Final Vote

Chipper Jones tries to explain away the ground-up human flesh in the garbage. His bat is not convinced.

Whether because he was named as a replacement to the All-Star team for the injured Matt Kemp or because he’s too ashamed to face the scrutiny of voters now that he’s been exposed as a mass-murderer (who can really say), Chipper Jones has dropped out of the NL All-Star Final Vote. This undoubtedly increases the odds of Bryce Harper. He has one less competitor and, in particular, one less competitor who’s likely to kill him and feed his corpse to a woodchipper. So that’s good news all around.

The only man remaining ahead of Harper in the vote is David Freese. So keep voting for Bryce and ‘freese’ David’s vote total right where it is.*

*Note: a vote for Bryce does not necessarily constitute a vote for that pun, which you might not have liked. You probably shouldn’t have liked it if you did.

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Braves’ New World: Hudson Explores Well-Charted Route Down Plate Before Being Sunk

Mike Morse had never realized there was a plate below him to measure the strikezone until today. (AP Photo/David Tulis)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Braves 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-5, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 4 RBI. Zim, Zim, he’s our man. If he can’t do it, no one can! I am of course referring to Don Zimmer in this case. As for what he’s doing so successfully, I’m obviously talking about being a cuddly play thing that will certainly not give you nightmares.

Shame of the Game:

Tim Hudson: Loss, 6 IP, 8 H, 2 BB, 5 ER, 4 K. On a hot day like today, some pitchers would have trouble gripping the ball due to watery perspiration. However this should be no excuse for Hudson’s poor performance. I mean it’s a river, I figured it would be used to water.

———-

On a day that all-stars were announced, it is clear that Strasburg, Gonzalez and Desmond not only earned the right to play in the game, but also took on the properties of a star. Something on that field made it unbearably hot, and I can only assume it was Ian Desmond in his Red Giant phase. But the Nats and Braves played on despite water dripping down their faces, the sun turning their skin red, and Davey Johnson rocking a bikini which he claimed help cool him off. Don’t believe me? Well I would say take a look at this actual, not faked photo…but I don’t want to scar all of you forever.

Eh, whatever:

Oh…

I’m so sorry.

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Symphony in M. Minor: Braves Outplay Nats Despite Flat Starting Pitcher

No one likes to sit near David Ross cause he looks like he’d kill anyone who tried. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Final Score: Braves 7, Nationals 5

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-3, 2 2B, 2 R, RBI, 2 BB, K. Deck the halls with Adam LaRoche. Fa la la la la, la la LaRoche.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: 2 IP, 4 ER, 5 H. Stephen Strasburg left the game due to heat stroke. I hope Chien-Ming Wang left the game due to normal stroke.

——

So apparently it was really hot in Atlanta. I wouldn’t know, being in DC, where it was just slightly less really hot. Of course, I stayed within the friendly confines of very-much-conditioned air, oblivious to the maelstrom of flame that no doubt would have greeted me had I set a foot outside my door. As such, I have NO SYMPATHY whatsoever for Stephen Strasburg, who departed after three innings due to “heat exhaustion.” His untimely exit led to two innings of quintessentially latter-day Wangian baseball, by which I mean Chien-Ming Wang gave up a lot of runs.

Clearly we need to toughen Strasburg up. This is the second time this year that he’s left a game because part or all of him was too hot–first the groin, then the whole country (sounds like a strange call to revolution). How should we go about the toughening? To prepare him for the former problem, I’m sure there are some CIA people the Nats can call up to give Strasburg a quick lesson on the finer points of genital-based interrogation. As for the entire-body heat issue, perhaps forcing him to go to work for a few sweltering days in a full suit and tie, like everyone else in DC, would do the trick. If not, there’s always boiling oil. Let the Nats trainers know about these great ideas if you see them. Continue reading

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