Tag Archives: music

House of Cards: Nationals Park Occupied by Unwelcome Residents

My soul, ca. April 24, 2013, 4:00 pm

My soul, circa April 24, 2013, 4:00 pm

Game 1: 

Cardinals 3, Nationals 2

Game 2:

Cardinals 2, Nationals 0

Game 3: 

Cardinals 4, Nationals 2

Game 5:

Cardinals 10, Nationals 8

They say revenge is a dish best served never. By “they,” I’m talking about Davey Johnson in what I presume was his pre-series speech. Davey has lived a long time, so you can’t expect him to keep all his axioms straight, but you’d think he could at least remember the basic gist of them. In this case, his disintegrating memory combined with the Nationals’ extreme gullibility resulted in dire consequences.

In their first chance to take their rightful vengeance on the St. Louis Cardinals after the game that must not be named, the Nationals instead just served them a plate with a delicious sweepcake. And now, for the first time in recent memory, the Nationals have a losing record. And I’m not just referring to the White Album record that Davey Johnson misplaces so frequently that he refers to it as his “losing record.” The Nationals are actually 10-11.
Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Nationals Re-Sign Zach Duke

Image

“As long as they keep feeding me more of these towels, I’ll be very happy in Washington!”

The Nationals have re-signed Zach Duke to a major league contract, according to Amanda Comak. The team has also re-signed Zach Duke to a minor league contract, according to Rotoworld. I am now reporting that the Nationals have re-signed Zach Duke to a diminished league contract. Expect Bill Ladson to soon report something about an augmented league contract.

If Duke does play on the major league squad this season he’ll be replacing Tom Gorzelanny. That makes this signing especially attractive. I look forward to being able to keep my eyes open again during late inning blowouts.

Update: The Nationals twitter confirms the deal to be for a major league contract. Just a minor change to my story, I hope it doesn’t diminish your enjoyment of the jokes I made before.

Tagged , , , , ,

NLDS Game 5: A Nationals Tragedy

The gateway would have better represented what was in store for me inside had it read “Arbeit Macht Frei.”

Baseball is over, and I have come a long way in my emotional healing process since attending Game 5 of the NLDS. At long last, I feel that I can write about that game without breaking down, hiding under my bed, and trembling for a few hours until the flashbacks go away. Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.

The tears wept by thousands of Nationals fans after the bottom of the 9th of Game 5 have long since turned into a fine mist that hovered over Nationals Park and descended to earth to water the outfield grass so it will grow still greener next seas-NO NO NO OH GOD IT’S ALL COMING BACK NO I CAN’T RELIVE IT ALL AGAIN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was a perfect night for October baseball. The air was crisp, the sky was clear, the crowd was abuzz, and the Cardinals fan sitting to my right was shrieking like a rabid banshee biting off her own fingers.

Oh wait, that last thing does not belong in the “perfect” category. It seemed that a woman had traveled hundreds of miles from St. Louis to Washington, DC for the sole purpose of shortening the number of years before I need a hearing aid.

People haven’t been so excited about waving red towels since brides after their wedding nights in the middle ages.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

NLDS Game 3: Badwin Jackson

I stopped off before the game at the Flags and Balloons Convention.

Did the Nats win: Nah.

Was it fun to watch: It was literally the least pleasant experience I’ve ever had watching a baseball game in person.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A nagging doubt that baseball has ever actually been enjoyable for anyone.

It was a perfect day for baseball. To be sure, many days have been described as “the perfect day for baseball” over the years, and some have definitely been better than others, so I can understand your skepticism over that statement. But I would contend that this day, the first home playoff game of your Washington Nationals, was the one. The best weather that October has to offer, a crowd of Nationals fans abuzz with what I absolutely refuse to refer to as “October Natitude,” and this thing happening:

Ian Desmond’s postseason success has apparently made him much taller, much younger, and much more contemptuous of black people.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Kurt Suzuki Farewell Day is Ruined

The crowd stood and cheered as these two great Nationals walked from the bullpen to the dugout. Clearly, they wanted to savor the last time they were going to see one of them. We couldn’t be sure which one, but it’s safe to assume it was Kurt Suzuki.

Final Score: Marlins 9, Nationals 7

Dame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: It doesn’t matter what his stat line was. All that matters is the love for him in our hearts.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: .2 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, BB, Loss. It does matter what his stat line was, in that its terribleness directly led to the Nats losing the game.

———-

We could tell from the moment we walked into the stadium that there was a special atmosphere in the crowd. They were excited, but it was a bittersweet excitement. Clearly they expected to witness something great, but they wouldn’t get another chance to see it for a long time. Though we were initially unsure of what that greatness could be, upon seeing the Nationals battery emerge from their bullpen warm up, we knew. People were standing, cheering, giving their adulation to the player who had given them so much joy over the course of this season.

We of course are referring to Kurt Suzuki. Truly the most important cog in the Nationals machine. The cog to end all cogs. No other player could have provoked such a response. The implication was clear: the evening’s game would be the last that Kurt Suzuki would play at Nationals Park, and the fans were saying farewell. We took our seats and watched history unfold. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Burn Ett to the Ground: Nats Lead Goes up in Flames, is Cremated

The only explanation I can think of for why this happened is that Teddy Roosevelt’s last words were “if there’s ever a Korean pop song that gets 90 million views on youtube called Gangnam Style, please have a comically oversized version of me reenact its music video during a baseball game.”

Final Score: Cardinals 10, Nationals 9

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-5, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R. It’s supposed to be Adam and Eve, not Adam and Kyle Lohse. Though the latter pairing seems to be working just fine for him.

Shame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann. 3.2 IP, 8 ER, 8 H, BB, 3 K. In lieu of a clever phrase describing how shameful Zimmermann was, here’s a picture of him actually looking ashamed:

Jordan Zimmerman bows his head as he walks off the field to the awkward applause of about three fans who didn’t want him to feel too horrible about his start.

——–

Jordan Zimmermann’s inability to convince his teammates to give him run support has been well documented by us and everyone else. Well, this is why Jordan Zimmermann can’t have nice things. Despite being given six runs by a combination of some good offense and Matt Holliday’s tragic but hilarious addiction to dropping things, Zimmermann promptly gave all of them back and more before the end of the fourth inning.

It was kinda like if you had a birthday party and everybody brought you really nice gifts, and then when they left you gave them all doggy bags filled with live grenades. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Jair’s Poor Judgment: Nats Earn Bravos By Beating Them

Image

Using pine tar for deodorant is something Ryan has done for years. (AP Photo/Cliff Owen)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Braves 2.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-5, 3 R, 2 HR, 3 RBI. Ryan’s efforts over the past few weeks have been paying the team back nicely for the contract they gave him this winter. Now if only he’d pay them back for lunch. Come on Ryan, show some good manners. It’s not like they have 100 million dollars to use to cover the tab every day.

Shame of the Game:

Jair Jurrjens: Loss, 2.1 IP, 9 H, 6 ER. With 9 hits in such a short time, Jair Jurrjens is looking to be a part of ‘N Sync a little too late.

———-

Everything is okay again. For a while there it wasn’t. Nothing was okay. The world was shattering to pieces around the Nats, and all they could do was pick the shards out of their hair like lice (Tom Gorzelanny was especially good at that, since he has actual lice). The magical year was over, it seemed. It had been a fun time, being in first place so late in July. But a fun time was all it was going to be. The Braves were always going to catch the Nats eventually; it had been foolish to hope otherwise.

But lo! Have faith, ye faithless, for I present to you…(bum babum bum bum bum babum) Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Moore-al of the Story: Wild Pitches Come to Those Who Wait

At a pivotal moment, Bryce Harper develops a sudden and inexplicable interest in the outcome of the Diamondbacks/Reds game. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 4

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-4, HR, R, RBI, K. After striking out with the tying run on third in the 9th, Moore seemed destined to do the same with the winning run on third in the 10th. Thanks to a timely wild pitch, we’ll never know if he would have. The hypothetical outcome of that at-bat will go down with the other great counterfactuals of history, like “what would have happened if Hitler had gotten into art school” and “what would have happened if Tyler Moore hadn’t struck out his previous time up.”

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: 1 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, 2 K, BS. All good things must come to an end, and Clippard’s consecutive save streak since becoming the Nats full time closer is apparently no exception. I know that’s a fundamental fact of the universe what with the passage of time and inevitability of death and all that, but still. I really thought this one had a chance to be the one good thing that lasts for eternity. Oh well.

——–

Last night was not the first time this year that the Nats have defeated the Mets in a dramatic, lead-changing, blown-saves-filled game this year. But it was the only time that that happened when it was also last night. Thus, I am contractually obligated to write about it now, assuming you count shouting “I PROMISE TO WRITE A GAME RECAP EVERY OTHER GAME FOR THE WHOLE YEAR” three times in a row while grabbing The Giology Professor’s ears to be a contract. Which you totally would if you were a lawyer. Anyway, here goes.

This game was basically the platonic ideal of a 2012 Nationals game for precisely eight innings. Seven shutout innings by Ross “The Anti-Wang” Detwiler, limited but sufficient offense, and Brad Lidge nowhere to be seen.  Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Glorious Leader Bryce Harper Makes the All-Star Team

Harper found out that he made the team in the middle of an at-bat. The ensuing celebratory dance and song delayed the game for half an hour, and brought many in the crowd to tears with its beauty.

Bryce Harper is an All-Star. Our efforts to get him elected, efforts that at one time seemed to have failed, clearly turned out successful, as Bryce is now on the team.

However, it wasn’t exactly democracy that helped Harper make the team. No, it was something a little more troubling. Bryce was placed on the team in a position of great power, replacing Giancarlo Stanton. Stanton was suspiciously injured, opening the door for a select group of powerful men like Tony LaRussa to pick whoever they so desired to fill that void.

It all seems a little off. Harper is not the choice of the people, but rather those who hold power over the people. As much as I love Harper, this was not democracy in action. This is the beginning of a dictatorship over baseball led by Bryce Harper. Well I have one thing to say about that…

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Symphony in M. Minor: Braves Outplay Nats Despite Flat Starting Pitcher

No one likes to sit near David Ross cause he looks like he’d kill anyone who tried. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Final Score: Braves 7, Nationals 5

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-3, 2 2B, 2 R, RBI, 2 BB, K. Deck the halls with Adam LaRoche. Fa la la la la, la la LaRoche.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: 2 IP, 4 ER, 5 H. Stephen Strasburg left the game due to heat stroke. I hope Chien-Ming Wang left the game due to normal stroke.

——

So apparently it was really hot in Atlanta. I wouldn’t know, being in DC, where it was just slightly less really hot. Of course, I stayed within the friendly confines of very-much-conditioned air, oblivious to the maelstrom of flame that no doubt would have greeted me had I set a foot outside my door. As such, I have NO SYMPATHY whatsoever for Stephen Strasburg, who departed after three innings due to “heat exhaustion.” His untimely exit led to two innings of quintessentially latter-day Wangian baseball, by which I mean Chien-Ming Wang gave up a lot of runs.

Clearly we need to toughen Strasburg up. This is the second time this year that he’s left a game because part or all of him was too hot–first the groin, then the whole country (sounds like a strange call to revolution). How should we go about the toughening? To prepare him for the former problem, I’m sure there are some CIA people the Nats can call up to give Strasburg a quick lesson on the finer points of genital-based interrogation. As for the entire-body heat issue, perhaps forcing him to go to work for a few sweltering days in a full suit and tie, like everyone else in DC, would do the trick. If not, there’s always boiling oil. Let the Nats trainers know about these great ideas if you see them. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,