Tag Archives: mutations

Nats Catch Tigers By Toe, Don’t Let Go When They Holler

Game 1:

Denard Span makes the mistake of looking into the fiery pools of unbridled hatred that are Adam LaRoche's eyes. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Denard Span makes the mistake of looking into the fiery pools of unbridled hatred that are Adam LaRoche’s eyes. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Tigers 1

This game marked a historic moment: the three billlionth anniversary of the day that Davey Johnson first clawed his way out of the primordial soup.

It was also less notable as being the first time that the Nationals have ever beaten the Tigers in a real live major league baseball game. It’s another relic of the Nationals’ embarrassing past shed, like when your mom finally incinerates your collection of Magic: The Gathering cards or when a really ugly person that you hooked up with once finally dies.

This is a new, more mature and discerning age of Nationals baseball. We can do things like beat the Tigers and have people like Jordan Zimmermann on our team, now, and people won’t think we’re getting too high above our station. We no longer have to be ashamed to exist. That’s the mark of a great baseball franchise.
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NLDS Game 4: Walk Off: The Jayson Werth Story

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The black power salute doesn’t send the same message coming from Jayson. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Did the Nats win: Was Onannes a fish-goddess of Chaldean myth? (Yes)

Was it fun to watch: The ending was as gratifying as sex. Only this was the first time I’ve felt satisfied thanks to a man’s powerful wood.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A lingering uncertainty as the best way to go about explaining the excitement-induced mess I made in my pants to the laundromat.

On a day where most of the country watched two of our leaders debate some of the most contentious issues that impact our nation, there is one issue that is certainly not for debate: Jayson Werth is the greatest baseball player of all-time. If you don’t agree with that you’re probably from the past, when Jayson Werth was nothing more than a loathsome hairy man who spent most of his time in Philadelphia. But as that role has been filled by Scott Hartnell, Jayson has found his new place as the single greatest baseball player to ever live.

Many Nationals have often vied for the title of greatest in the past. Some examples:

  • Livan Hernandez – Greatest Caloric Intake.
  • Nick Johnson – Greatest Mustache (Sarcastically).
  • Joey Eischen – Greatest pitcher of all-time.

Not all of them won, like poor Joey, who fell just a tad short. But even as Livan and Nick succeeded, their “greatest” titles didn’t mean much in the long run (aside from taking a few years off Livan’s life). Jayson, on the other hand, is the first National who can proudly claim that he is the greatest without anyone arguing the fact, because I don’t listen to other people’s opinions.

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Braves’ New World: Hudson Explores Well-Charted Route Down Plate Before Being Sunk

Mike Morse had never realized there was a plate below him to measure the strikezone until today. (AP Photo/David Tulis)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Braves 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-5, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 4 RBI. Zim, Zim, he’s our man. If he can’t do it, no one can! I am of course referring to Don Zimmer in this case. As for what he’s doing so successfully, I’m obviously talking about being a cuddly play thing that will certainly not give you nightmares.

Shame of the Game:

Tim Hudson: Loss, 6 IP, 8 H, 2 BB, 5 ER, 4 K. On a hot day like today, some pitchers would have trouble gripping the ball due to watery perspiration. However this should be no excuse for Hudson’s poor performance. I mean it’s a river, I figured it would be used to water.

———-

On a day that all-stars were announced, it is clear that Strasburg, Gonzalez and Desmond not only earned the right to play in the game, but also took on the properties of a star. Something on that field made it unbearably hot, and I can only assume it was Ian Desmond in his Red Giant phase. But the Nats and Braves played on despite water dripping down their faces, the sun turning their skin red, and Davey Johnson rocking a bikini which he claimed help cool him off. Don’t believe me? Well I would say take a look at this actual, not faked photo…but I don’t want to scar all of you forever.

Eh, whatever:

Oh…

I’m so sorry.

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