Tag Archives: Nationals Park North

2012 Nationals Player Profile: Christian Garcia


Christian Garcia autograph sessions are a popular event.

There are many Garcias in baseball, but only one who is a true Christian. Only one who has found the true path to success. Some Garcias like Freddy believe that the path to true enlightenment is through throwing an 80 mph fastball. Others like Karim believe that fighting groundskeepers is what we were put on this earth to do. But our Garcia knows the true path to success. The Christian way, which in his case involves meandering about in the minors for nearly a decade and reaching minimal fame.

We must all follow Garcia’s example, and live our lives the way he has lived his. To do this, I present to you this form of Christianity’s version of the 10 Commandments.

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An Anthropological Study of the Phillie Fan: A Loss for the Nationals, a Gain for Science

Phillie fans amuse themselves by watching the “Phillies” (for which they are named) play a game on this field involving bases, balls, and men.

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game: 

The 2-3 Phillie fans who weren’t horrible to me.

Shame of the Game:

The rest of the Phillie fans.


Much has been written of the Phillie fan, that savage creature that has for so long invaded and pillaged the beautiful lands of Navy Yard. Our understanding of these people, however, is colored largely by their behavior while on these raids into our homeland. We know little of the social mores and culture of their native land. Our opinion of the Phillie fan may well have been biased by only observing them in their most aggressive state.

In order to right this scientific injustice, I embarked on a journey to Citizens Bank Park in the distant nation of Philadelphia to gain a greater understanding of the Phillie fan and its society. What follows are my findings, obtained at no small risk to my personal well-being.
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Nationals Offer Terms of Surrender to Phillies

The following telegram from Washington, DC to Philadelphia was intercepted this morning at 08:52 hours and is presented here exclusively by The Zimmerman(n) Telegram.



Ruben Amaro
Philadelphia Phillies Foreign Ministry

The war is over. You all but conceded defeat when you traded away two of your best warriors on July 31. When the war began, even our own strategists predicted that it would be a long war of attrition stretching through summer deep into the autumn months. Instead, our victory was swift and decisive.

And yet, you keep fighting. Why? It is futile. It will only cause more suffering to the young men and their families on both sides, all to no purpose. Your two recent victories have done little to delay your inevitable defeat.

If you continue to resist, the consequences may be severe. I’m not saying for sure that we will send Sean Burnett riding a nuclear bomb into the heart of Philadelphia. But I’m saying we’ll probably do it. “Two birds with one nuclear bomb,” and all that. Plus, if there were ever a person I’d describe as “Dr. Strange Love,” it’s Sean Burnett.

It’d almost be a shame not to nuke Philadelphia, the idea is so perfect.

If you’d like to avoid that outcome, we have a proposal for you: surrender. These are our terms. Continue reading

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Phillies Bluntly Smoked by Gio: Nats Win by a Margin, Thin


“Is that a lucky penny!?!?!?” (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Nationals 2, Phillies 1.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 6 IP, 3 H, 3 BB, 0 R, 9 K. With tonight’s performance, Gio takes over the league lead with 69 strikeouts. Ha. Justin Verlander is in second with 68. Ha. (For those of you who don’t know, a 68 is a sexual act done primarily in Slovenia, where the man places his foot in a bowl of broth and smiles while the woman glares and condemns him.)

Shame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: .1 IP, 1 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 2 WP. Wild Thing…you make my heart sting…you make everything…horrifying.

There’s no better way to break in a new ballpark than with a win. That’s just what the Nats did today by taking the first game in Nationals Park North. Today was the first Nationals-Phillies game in Philadelphia where I felt comfortable enough in our team to openly mock the opponent, as opposed to crying in a heap in the corner while Ryan Howard does horrible things. I feel that many fans feel the same way, so let’s bring our voice up to Philadelphia. Let’s turn the Phillies mockery of us on them and claim their park as our own. Huh, what’s that? Oh it is in Philadelphia, that’s a good point. On second though, let’s just let them have it. It’s probably flooded with vomit, cheese whiz, and a great deal of insecurities anyway.

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