Tag Archives: Natitude

NLDS Game 3: Badwin Jackson

I stopped off before the game at the Flags and Balloons Convention.

Did the Nats win: Nah.

Was it fun to watch: It was literally the least pleasant experience I’ve ever had watching a baseball game in person.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A nagging doubt that baseball has ever actually been enjoyable for anyone.

It was a perfect day for baseball. To be sure, many days have been described as “the perfect day for baseball” over the years, and some have definitely been better than others, so I can understand your skepticism over that statement. But I would contend that this day, the first home playoff game of your Washington Nationals, was the one. The best weather that October has to offer, a crowd of Nationals fans abuzz with what I absolutely refuse to refer to as “October Natitude,” and this thing happening:

Ian Desmond’s postseason success has apparently made him much taller, much younger, and much more contemptuous of black people.

Continue reading

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WOOOO FUCK YOU PHILLIES

A joyous celebration turned tragic after a tsunami struck Nationals Park, killing thousands. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

Final Score: Phillies 2, Nationals DIVISION CHAMPS

Dame of the Game:

Everyone! Even the ones who had a terrible game which is most of them!

Shame of the Game:

There’s nothing shameful about winning the division. Normally I’d still give this one to the Phillies, but I’m in a good mood.

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The conclusion of this game was beautiful. It was the perfectly emotionally satisfying way to finish the Nats divisional quest. I would have it no other way.

Now, some might say that it would have been more satisfying to actually win a game at home to clinch the division. Wrong. That would have been fun but meaningless, just a 97th Curly W in a near-endless tangle of curls and u’s and victory.

This was so much better. This was the Phillies winning a game at Nationals Park and the crowd full of Nats fans cheering. The consummate act of condescension. Each triumphant clap seemed to say “aw, the wittle bittle phiwwies got a win. How cute! It’s nice that even total failures can have some small victories to keep them from just giving up on existence.” Continue reading

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With Little Help From My “Friends”: Zimmermann Gets By Despite No Support

This impromptu game of Patty Cake between Henry Rodriguez and Jesus Flores really disrupted the drama of the bottom of the 9th.

Dame of the Game: Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 9 K. One day Zimmermann’s collection of 7 innings, 1 run performances is going to be worth a lot of money, assuming his parents don’t throw it out.

Shame of the Game: Bryce Harper: 0-4, K, 5 LOB. It is a time-honored baseball tradition that the best way to break a slump is to hit yourself in the face with a bat. Surprisingly, this did not work for Bryce Harper.

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For one inning, Jordan Zimmermann thought he had a friend on the Nationals. Someone who didn’t hate him so much that he would deprive him of any run support and the chance to get a win. Wilson Ramos, Jordan’s catcher, hit a home run in the top of the 5th to support his pitcher. Jordan couldn’t wait to run home to his parents and tell them that he made a new friend. No sooner had Jordan walked to the mound feeling for the first time a sense of being liked than his new friend tore his ACL. The moral of the story is clear: no one one should ever befriend Jordan Zimmermann or else you’ll get horribly injured.  Continue reading

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Wolf Blitzer Inspires Nats to Walk-Off Win Over Phillies in Series Opener

Wilson Ramos magically turned himself into an airplane after his game-winning hit, to the delight of the crowd and teammates alike. Sadly, Ramos has never been to flight school, and quickly crashed in a horrific fireball. There were no casualties of note. R.I.P. Danny Espinosa. (AP Photo/Richard Lipski)

Finale Score: Nationals 4, Phillies 3

Dame of the Game: 

Joe West’s Illness. Tonight’s game was played with only three umpires, as Joe West had an “illness.” This benefited the Nats several times, including a Carlos Ruiz groundball down the third base line called foul that was probably fair and a Shane Victorino caught stealing at third where he was probably safe. So thank you, nameless virus and/or bacteria that wormed your way into Joe West’s body and caused him such misery that he couldn’t umpire tonight’s game. We couldn’t have done it without you.

Shame of the Game:

The remaining three umpires. Admittedly they were handicapped by not having an umpire at every base, but they still didn’t have to be so abysmal. The umpiring failures hurt both teams at various points in the game, so neither Phillies nor Nats fans can feel too slighted. In fact fans of both sides can join together in condemnation of these terrible umpires who deserve to be ridiculed every time they do anything for the rest of their lives. What a lovely fantasy of hateful brotherhood that is.

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The time was finally here. It was time to take back the park. Our first series vs. the Phillies this season at home, one that the team had been building up to for weeks, was set to take place. With thousands of Nats fans expected to turn out it was clear that this series was going to be one of the most exciting ones in Nationals Park’s history. I am just thrilled that us here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram were to be witness to such a historic event.

Hopefully they’ll “Ignite their Natitude Park” sign after this series. It is truly horrific and deserves to be incinerated.

Oh they ruined it. So many things were covered in the word “Natitude.” The ballpark was renamed, it was plastered all over the video screen, even food was renamed in a spirited manner, leading to some confusion and multiple peanut allergy reactions/deaths when purchasing “Nutitudes.”

Despite the strange obsession with this term, the atmosphere was electric. People were excited, the players were ready to go, everyone was prepared for a thrilling series. There was nothing that could change this feeling in the air. Continue reading

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