Tag Archives: Nazis

Nationals Win 2 out of 3 Decisions vs. Philadelphia’s Rocky Team: A Phillies Series Recap

Game 1:

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Ben Revere, breaking his spine. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 5, Phillies 2

Davey Johnson vowed to not shave his facial hair until the Nationals bats started hitting. I’m uncertain if this is some luck-based initiative, or if his kids stopped paying the night nurse and just left him on his own. Either way, I’m torn. For one, I like the Nationals hitting. But on the other hand, I like the idea of having a guy who looks like a germ-fearing Mr. Burns managing our team.

Many teams have turned to crafty veterans throughout the years to help lead their team to victory. But what about insane veterans? I think Davey should keep taking this superstition stuff further and further until the Nationals bats perform at a consistently high level. Some ideas…

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New York on Sunday, Nats Offense Taking a Nap

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What a bad teacher.

Final Score: Mets 2, Nationals 0.

Belle of the Ball: Anthony Rendon. Rendon had a terrible debut, going 0 for 4 and making an error. But there’s no reason to hurt his confidence now. We need to support him in this new experience, and give him our praise hoping he will become a star.

But if he ever goes 0 for 4 again I will disown him.

Smell of the Ball: Jayson Werthless. Get what I did there with the name? It’s a funny pun, since his name is Werth and he is HORRIBLE SO HORRIBLE, WHY WOULD YOU SWING AT A 3-0 PITCH WHEN THE PITCHER WASN’T THROWING STRIKES. COULD YOU BE MORE STUPID? THE ANSWER IS NO, UNLESS YOU WENT BACK INTO THE CLUBHOUSE AND SCRAPED PAINT OFF THE WALL AND JUST ATE IT FOR HOURS, WHICH IS NOW WHAT I’M GUESSING YOU DID BECAUSE YOU DO NOTHING THAT MAKES SENSE. WE COULD HAVE HAD THE BASES LOADED AND 0 OUT BUT INSTEAD THE WORLD IS OVER AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

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Henry Rodriguez finds comfort in another man who has trouble throwing strikes.

Today was Ron Darling Bobblehead Day at Citi Field. Many teams have special tributes to the players honored with the toy during these games. The Phillies recently hosted a Lenny Dykstra bobblehead day where food vendors would take all the money in your wallet when you tried to pay for something. The Cardinals, during Ozzie Smith bobblehead day, all tried to do backflips, resulting in serious neck injuries for most. And of course how could we forget the Giants’s Fred Merkle bobblehead day, where every player had to play with a boner.

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One Win, Two Loss, Reds Win, Blue Fish: A Reds Series Recap

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We’re not sure if someone made a joke, or if Davey just finds his full diaper to be warm and comforting.

You might be asking yourself, “What is this series recap for? Why no individual game recaps? Where are my pants?” The answers: Less work for us but a higher quality of posts, don’t worry we’ll still be doing them on occasion, and I took them. But lets not worry about pants and crimes. Let’s worry about baseball, specifically the series between the Nationals and Reds over the weekend.

Game 1:

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Harper waits to be informed of the weather using the time-trusted method of fans sticking their hands out to see if its raining.

Reds 15, Nationals 0.

If you’re a big Nats fan like me, you really enjoyed watching…whatever was on the first channel I could turn to in order to get away from this horrible terrible game. Unless of course you couldn’t find the remote, and you were too lazy or obese to move from the couch to turn away from this hellish game. Sorry you had to endure that, Livan.

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Oh…Canada…: Canadians Are Too Embarrassed to Finish Game

Final Score: Italy 14, Canada 4 (8 innings)

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Canadian capture of Rome during the Italian campaign of World War II

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To say that “Canadians are known for their martial prowess” is a little like saying “Italians are known for never accepting bribes.” But Canada has done a little fighting in its day. In World War II, for instance, Canadian troops were at the forefront of the Allied assault on the Italian peninsula. It was overall a successful campaign, one that Canadians actually seem to be pretty proud of, in that adorably Canadian way.

Canadians led the attack on Rome, and they suffered disproportionate casualties compared to British and American forces. Now that might have been because German resistance was stronger on the Canadian front, or it might have been because Canadians just sucked at fighting. For the purposes of this metaphor, I’ll assume the latter.

Canada also failed at actually taking Rome. They were supposed to arrive first in the city like conquering heroes, but U.S. general Mark Clark decided to do it instead just to be obnoxious. No glory for Canada, then or ever.

Which brings us to the Canada-Italy WBC game, in which Canada won the opposite of glory: utter shame. They sucked at baseball like they sucked at war. Worse, actually.

Of course, in WWII it was the Italians who got “mercied”–the Italian government had signed an armistice with the Allies long before the Canadians got to Rome, leaving their country to be defended by Nazis.

The moral of the story is that both sides of this game should generally be very embarrassed.

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NLDS Game 5: A Nationals Tragedy

The gateway would have better represented what was in store for me inside had it read “Arbeit Macht Frei.”

Baseball is over, and I have come a long way in my emotional healing process since attending Game 5 of the NLDS. At long last, I feel that I can write about that game without breaking down, hiding under my bed, and trembling for a few hours until the flashbacks go away. Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.

The tears wept by thousands of Nationals fans after the bottom of the 9th of Game 5 have long since turned into a fine mist that hovered over Nationals Park and descended to earth to water the outfield grass so it will grow still greener next seas-NO NO NO OH GOD IT’S ALL COMING BACK NO I CAN’T RELIVE IT ALL AGAIN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was a perfect night for October baseball. The air was crisp, the sky was clear, the crowd was abuzz, and the Cardinals fan sitting to my right was shrieking like a rabid banshee biting off her own fingers.

Oh wait, that last thing does not belong in the “perfect” category. It seemed that a woman had traveled hundreds of miles from St. Louis to Washington, DC for the sole purpose of shortening the number of years before I need a hearing aid.

People haven’t been so excited about waving red towels since brides after their wedding nights in the middle ages.

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San Francisco Giants Win the World Series

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In the spirit of Halloween, they showed a scary movie on the big screen which really frightened Romo. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

The San Francisco Giants are the 2012 World Series Champions. For the second time in three years, the Giants sit atop baseball as the guys who got hot/lucky for a few days at the right time best team.

In all seriousness, the Giants were one of the more deserving teams in these playoffs. No, not for their regular season success, but for what they did to those putrid people from St. Louis in the NLCS. I wasn’t a huge fan of the Giants before the NLCS, but afterwards I became their biggest fan. Nationals fans should be very thankful for them putting the Cardinals in their place. It’s like Washington allying with Stalin to take care of the Nazis. Sure it wasn’t the way we would’ve liked to have things happen in an optimal situation, but when we realized Stalin’s power in the face of initial adversity, we realized he was a great option to get behind.

Pablo Sandoval was named World Series MVP. I’m sure a lot of people will make jokes such as “Most Valuable Panda,” or “Most Valuable Ponch,” but lets not make silly jokes like that. Instead lets sit back and look at the impressive performance that the beanbag chair that plays third base for the Giants put on. Wait, that’s a guy? Oh, he just looked so poofy and comfortable to sit on.

Now baseball is done, and transactions will begin in the coming days. We can only hope Mike Rizzo makes some smart decisions that help the team be successful when it counts. We all know he came through with some of those this past Fall.

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NLDS Game 1: Moore’s Utopia

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“Ooo, they are cold!” (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Did the Nats win: Depends what you mean by win.

Was it fun to watch: When I wasn’t gouging my eyes out.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: Oh no oh no oh no oh no WAIT OH YEAH OH YEAH!!!

Sometimes things take a while to get going. It takes time for an oven to heat up, it takes time for me to muster up the courage to look at a picture of Tom Gorzelanny, and it takes time for the Nationals to realize that they should stop doing so poorly in the biggest game in this team’s history. But you know, that’s easy to forget to do. Despite getting out on top early on, the Nationals did not play at a major league level. They didn’t even play at a Houston Astros level.

This game was all about incompetence. 2 of the 3 lead changes were not thanks to impressive baseball skill, but rather miserable failure. Well, one of the failures was miserable. The other might have seemed like a silly thing to do, but in reality helped the more powerful group claim what they wanted. I would compare Pete Kozma’s error to appeasement towards the Nazis. It gave the Nats just a little, after which they took a lot. Now I don’t really like comparing the Nationals to the Nazis. But just like the Nazis, the Nationals don’t support smoking within their homeland, so there certainly are similarities.

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Mets Err, No Caution on Side: Hefner’s Play, Boy, Not Good Enough to Top Nats

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It took a little while for Jason Bay to remember what those flying white circles were. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 3.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-3, 1 R, 1 HR, 4 RBI, 1 BB. The only National to crack the top 5 in all star balloting, failed to crack the top 5 reasons why the Mets lost (they were all Mets players). But he still did good.

Shame of the Game:

Daniel Murphy: 0-4, 2 E. After last night’s game, Jordany Valdespin sat in his locker crying. Murphy approached him and placed his hand on his shoulder.

“What’s going on, Jordany?” asked Daniel.

“Daniel, I cost us the game with my two errors!’ replied Jordany.

“So why are you crying?”

“Because I finally have proven that I am a Met!”

Having never seen somebody that happy before, Daniel decided to be like Jordany and commit 2 errors today, once again greatly limiting the Mets chances to win. It was a thrilling day for Murphy, who after months of being a mediocre player too good for this New York team, finally solidified his spot as a New York Met.

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There was no lead to blow last night for the New York Mets. From the first inning on the Nationals were in front, nearly blowing the game twice themselves but ultimately remembering that is not the goal. The Nationals at times tried to do their best Mets impression, committing two errors themselves on the night. But in the end, this team is a whole different team from the Mets; it’s a team that knows how to get the job done. We’ve historically been so different from the Mets that it’s silly to even think we’d blow the game so easily. We don’t have a history of terrible failure. Oh wait, we do. Well, we don’t have an overpaid underperforming outfielder plagued by injuries. Oh wait, we do. Well, we make the playoffs often. Oh wait, we don’t. Oh no…have we been…like the Mets before? Ew. Ew ew ew. I need to go take a shower to wash off this horrible feeling.

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