Tag Archives: Nick Johnson

Nick Johnson Retires


This photo was taken as Nick looked into a mirror for the first time.

Nick Johnson will not be playing baseball next year. Which is something that was likely even if he didn’t decide to retire considering his injury history. The Expos/Nationals great has decided to hang up his cleats. Lets hope he has someone to do it for him, because those sharp spikes will probably cause trouble again, considering his injury history.

Nick Johnson retires with a higher career on-base percentage than notable players like Joe DiMaggio, Honus Wagner, and Mario Mendoza. Although one of those isn’t very surprising, Honus Wagner wasn’t all that great.

We will miss you Nick. As will all the team doctors who you created jobs for throughout your career.

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NLDS Game 4: Walk Off: The Jayson Werth Story


The black power salute doesn’t send the same message coming from Jayson. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Did the Nats win: Was Onannes a fish-goddess of Chaldean myth? (Yes)

Was it fun to watch: The ending was as gratifying as sex. Only this was the first time I’ve felt satisfied thanks to a man’s powerful wood.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A lingering uncertainty as the best way to go about explaining the excitement-induced mess I made in my pants to the laundromat.

On a day where most of the country watched two of our leaders debate some of the most contentious issues that impact our nation, there is one issue that is certainly not for debate: Jayson Werth is the greatest baseball player of all-time. If you don’t agree with that you’re probably from the past, when Jayson Werth was nothing more than a loathsome hairy man who spent most of his time in Philadelphia. But as that role has been filled by Scott Hartnell, Jayson has found his new place as the single greatest baseball player to ever live.

Many Nationals have often vied for the title of greatest in the past. Some examples:

  • Livan Hernandez – Greatest Caloric Intake.
  • Nick Johnson – Greatest Mustache (Sarcastically).
  • Joey Eischen – Greatest pitcher of all-time.

Not all of them won, like poor Joey, who fell just a tad short. But even as Livan and Nick succeeded, their “greatest” titles didn’t mean much in the long run (aside from taking a few years off Livan’s life). Jayson, on the other hand, is the first National who can proudly claim that he is the greatest without anyone arguing the fact, because I don’t listen to other people’s opinions.

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Nationals Claim Cesar Izturis, DL DeRosa, DFA Severino

Cesar Izturis is a National. I will pause for the excited applause..

…hmm, I must be deaf. I didn’t really hear anything. Izturis was claimed off waivers from the Brewers to provide the Nationals with some defensive depth. Cesar was once traded straight up for Greg Maddux, meaning he must be a Hall of Fame level player as well. Either that, or Greg Maddux farted so much around the clubhouse that they were just dying to trade him.

With Izturis being added to the team, two Nationals will be changing spots. Mark DeRosa is headed to the DL yet again, leading me to believe that Nick Johnson is here and is just very good at disguising himself as DeRosa.

Additionally, the Nats DFA’d Atahualpa Severino to make room on the 40-man for Izturis. I’m all teary eyed while writing out this news. Now if you’ll excuse me, I should get back to cutting up these onions.

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Storen Hurting, Morse and Ankiel Exerting, Wang Spurting


No players suffering from being Nick Johnson this time around.

Bad news in Natstown today as Drew Storen felt pain in his elbow during a simulated game sunday. The team is very worried, as he’s on his way to see Dr. James Andrews. Davey Johnson expressed concern saying, “James is not the good wholesome boy that I hoped Drew would end up seeing. I just wish he’d reconsider that nice little Timmy from church.”

There is some good news however, as Morse and Ankiel are both on their way to Hagerstown, and are quite possibly on track to return this week. This means two current Nats will be on their way off the team. With rumors of Bernadina being optioned to make room, The Shark has invited them both over for a pool party. Speaking which, I haven’t seen Kevin Mench since he went there for one… Weird.

Chien-Ming Wang also has been making progress, as he threw off a mound yesterday in Viera. Glad to see Wang having the balls to fight back from his injury, just like a hardened pro. He is however a bit out of playing shape, and it’s said that Wang has a pretty hairy appearance at the time. But we can all expect him to shave off the excess and get back to top form.

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