Tag Archives: Nick Swisher

1 Out Of 3 Is Bad, and Meatloaf Failed to Explain How Big That Dropoff Is: An Indians Series Recap

Game 1:

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Denard Span and Mike Aviles get aroused at an inappropriate time. (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images)

Indians 2, Nationals 1

2 hits is not enough to achieve success in Cleveland. Every Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee has way more than that. Although if it’s standards shrink like the MLB HOF, and they start allowing in one-hit wonders down the line, then maybe the Nationals offense will get the call.

Now to be fair, baseball players do not like going to Cleveland. Just look at what Ichiro Suzuki said in 2007:

“To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.”

But just because you’re depressed about something does not mean you should stop hitting! If anything, adding that toaster to your bathtub should electrify your bat.

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Nats Call up Zach Duke and Christian Garcia

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Hopefully Garcia continues to make hitters angry, like when he infuriated Nick Swisher by being so good at video games.

The Duke of Zachs has arrived to rule over Washington. He will rule with an iron fist, which explains why he’s declined as a pitcher. Must be hard to not throw everything into the ground with a hand that heavy.

In addition to adding a Duke, this team just got a little more Christian. No, we didn’t hire a team priest. That would be too dangerous with all the young players on our team. We called up Christian Garcia. Garcia has yet to pitch in the big leagues, despite playing 9 years of professional baseball. I suppose he’s just like a fine wine. Teams have just been waiting for him to reach the perfect age before consumption. Like some experiences with wine, let’s hope he ends up tasting great. As opposed to other experiences with wine that make ourselves regret every decision we made.

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