Tag Archives: nipples

Nationals Win 2 out of 3 Decisions vs. Philadelphia’s Rocky Team: A Phillies Series Recap

Game 1:

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Ben Revere, breaking his spine. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 5, Phillies 2

Davey Johnson vowed to not shave his facial hair until the Nationals bats started hitting. I’m uncertain if this is some luck-based initiative, or if his kids stopped paying the night nurse and just left him on his own. Either way, I’m torn. For one, I like the Nationals hitting. But on the other hand, I like the idea of having a guy who looks like a germ-fearing Mr. Burns managing our team.

Many teams have turned to crafty veterans throughout the years to help lead their team to victory. But what about insane veterans? I think Davey should keep taking this superstition stuff further and further until the Nationals bats perform at a consistently high level. Some ideas…

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Nats Fail to Finish Chore of Sweeping, Get Beaten by Dads: A Padres Series Recap

Game 1:

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A doctor (not shown) chases Span to try and finally cut off his umbilical cord. However, Denard doesn’t want to part with it after all these years, and runs away. (AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Nationals 6, Padres 2

Stephen Strasburg dominated the Padres on Thursday night, going 8 innings and allowing just 1 earned run. With a rough start to the season, Strasburg hopefully turned things around with his tremendous performance. What changed for him? Well, San Diego is where he’s from. And apparently that means a great deal for his comfort. He was quoted as saying, “It’s easy pitching in front of a lot of loved ones.” Understandable. But I have a question Stephen.

You…don’t love us?

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Opening Dayum: Nats Show Off Impressive Assets In Tight One

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“You see this? This is my nipple.”

Final Score: Nationals 2, Marlins 0.

Dames of the Game…s…: 

Bryce Harper: 2-4, 2 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI. Now on pace for 324 home runs this season, I’d say Harper is falling just short of expectations. But he’s young. Maybe with some more experience he’ll end up like Dmitri Young, who was once on pace for 486 home runs after Opening Day. And who was also once convicted of a crime, a key to being considered a great. Don’t believe me? Well if Lenny Dykstra and Ugueth Urbina aren’t Hall of Fame bound, then I must be completely unaware of the actual definition of the word great.

Stephen Strasburg: Win, 7 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 3 K. After a leadoff single, Strasburg retired 19 straight batters. He made the Marlins look silly. In fact, I haven’t seen a team look as pathetic as the Marlins did today since I looked at the Marlins roster yesterday, and anytime in the past 4 months.

Shame of the Game: 

Rafael Soriano: Being Rafael Soriano. What can you say about a guy like Rafael Soriano? He threw a perfect 9th, showed impressive velocity and control, and I still hate him. Some say “let bygones be bygones,” but I say “drill bygones into your mind so you can always remember who has wronged you.”

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The smell of freshly cut grass. The warmth from the sun’s rays. The semi-irrational hatred of millionaires that I’ve never known personally, building to its highest level since October. Yes, baseball is finally back.

The last time the Nationals took the field in a game that mattered it ended in shock, depression, and misery. Yes, that exhibition loss to the Yankees on March 29th was a real bummer. There is nothing more depressing than losing to a lineup featuring Vernon Wells and Lyle Overbay. But the team looked to move on and improve, and there were many positive signs that suggest the team will do even better in the coming year. Let’s hope these positive signs are accurate, and that the Nationals prove to be pregnant. Pregnant with quality offense, and good defense, and a placenta that I can ultimately eat so that I feel one with the organization.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Zach Duke

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The Duke and his jester pass judgment.

In honor of Zach Duke Week here at the Zimmerman(n) Telegram, we present to you the final 2012 Nationals Player Profile of 2012: the Dukester himself.

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Brrr-brrrr-brrrr-BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (a trumpet heralds the arrival of Zack Duke, Duke of Zachs) 

Court Master: Welcome, one and all, to the court of the Duke of Zachs. The Duke will hear all of your petitions today. Know that the righteous will be treated with fairness and generosity, but the deceivers will receive their due punishment.

The first petitioner may step forward.

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