Tag Archives: nuclear weapons

Once, Twice, Three Times a Loser: Puerto Rico Cedes WBC to Dominicans, Surprising Nobody

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It turned out to be far too late to get out of the way of the seagull poop.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 3, Puerto Rico 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The 2013 World Baseball Classic.

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There are two types of people who don’t like the World Baseball Classic. People who don’t smile, and comedy blog writers who are creating posts that parallel historic events between nations. We fall more into the latter, although I’ve had trouble raising the corners of my mouth since Game 5.

The WBC Final was a matchup between the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico, two teams who had already met twice before in this tournament. We had already run thin on metaphors given the surprisingly limited series of conflicts between the two nearby islands, exaggerating some unwanted immigration for the first matchup and then basically fabricating a battle over tourism for the 2nd DR-PR meeting. So for the third and final all-Caribbean faceoff we had to think outside the box. And we thought so outside the box that we came all the way back inside the box.

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It’s Seppuku Time: Japan Disembowled By Puerto Rico in Semifinal

Matsui did it partly because he made the last out in the loss, but mostly because he remembered that he used to be on the Mets.

Matsui did it partly because he made the last out in the loss, but mostly because he remembered that he used to be on the Mets.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 3, Japan 1

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The U.S. dropping an atomic bomb on Japan

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They will go down as perhaps the two most difficult decisions in history. Decisions of unparalleled consequence. Decisions that altered the course of humanity. Decisions that strike to the very core of the human condition. Decisions that haunted and will forever haunt the sleepless nights of their makers.

The first: United States President Harry S. Truman’s decision to drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Hundreds of thousands of Japanese civilian lives weighed on the most terrible scale against the similar thousands of American soldiers whose lives would have inevitably been lost in a ground invasion of Japan. The unleashing of the most devastating weapon ever devised to end the deadliest conflict the world had yet experienced.

The second: Puerto Rico Manager Edwin Rodriguez’s decision to bring in J.C. Romero into a 3-1 game in the bottom of the 9th of a 2013 World Baseball Classic semifinal. The possibility that J.C. Romero would get some outs weighed against the likelihood the he would give up some baserunners. The unleashing of a pretty terrible pitcher in an effort to end a baseball game that would send Puerto Rico to the WBC finals. Continue reading

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Double Dutch: Netherlands Leap Over Cuba For Second Time

An increasingly tubby Andruw Jones goes out for a morning stroll.

An increasingly tubby Andruw Jones goes out for a morning stroll.

Final Score: Netherlands 7, Cuba 6

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Dutch role in preventing the Cuban Missile Crisis

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This, ladmen and gentleladies, is why the World Baseball Classic is wonderful. A baseball powerhouse against a baseball upstart; the New World against the Old and the Old Baseball World against the New. Someone named Kalian Sams hitting a walk-off sac fly.

If you have been an assiduous follower of The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s WBC coverage (FOR SHAME if you have not), you’ll clearly remember my comrade’s coverage of the last CUB-NED game, which was an obvious metaphor for Dutch adventures in 17th century Spanish Cuba. For this post, the foreign power the Dutch are dealing with in Cuba will be not the Spanish, but the Soviet Union. We’re later in the World Baseball Classic, so the metaphor is later in time. Obviously. Continue reading

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Cuba Lib-hooray: Cubans Can Have A-Pool Party After Win

As per tradition, representatives from each team thumb-wrestle to decide who gets home field advantage.

As per tradition, representatives from each team thumb-wrestle to decide who gets home field advantage.

Final Score: Cuba 6, Japan 3

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: A hypothetical future war to the death between Cuba and Japan

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The vast majority of MLB.com’s game summary headlines are pretty dumb, especially compared to The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s headlines, which never fail to reach the pinnacle of cleverness (like the one on this very post). Sometimes MLB.com’s are pretty unintentionally funny, though. Take the headline for this game: “Opening Statement: Cuba Sinks Japan to End First Round.”

The first half of the headline is, as usual, a useless semi-applicable figure of speech. But the second half, taken literally, is amazing.

Picture it: the year is 2113. Japan and Cuba are locked in a deadly conflict that has so offended both sides’ honor that everyone knows the only way for the war to end is for one nation to be completely annihilated. Neither state has nuclear weapons, but they are locked in an arms race to develop a weapon even more powerful…the Island-Sinker. Continue reading

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Kang-aroo Jack: Home Run Gives Korea Insufficient Win

Jungho Kang points out to his opponents where the real China is.

Jungho Kang points out to his opponents where the real China is

Final Score: Korea 3, Chinese Taipei 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The intense baseball rivalry that apparently exists between Korea and Taiwan

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Bottom of the 8th. One on, two out. Korea down by a run. Up steps the Korean third baseman, Jungho Kang. All the eyes of Asia, [racist joke redacted], are upon him. The pitch comes in, and Kang gives it a mighty wallop. Up, up and away it flies, deep into the night. The ball keeps traveling without regard for outfielder or fence. As it landed in the seats, every Korean south of the DMZ erupted in joy (not to be confused with the simultaneous eruption in North Korea, which was just another underground nuclear weapons test).

Korea had taken the lead 3-2, and would go on to win the game by the same score. An Instant World Baseball Classic, no? No. You see, the victory merely put Korea into a three-way tie with Chinese Taipei and the Netherlands for the two second round spots from Pool B. Korea had the worst run differential in games against the other two teams, so they’re out of the tournament.

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Japan Successfully Invades China, With Less Rape This Time

Someone farted. Or, is trying to be sexy. Or, the lights are too bright. Or, something I don't know what but it's a great picture.

Someone farted. Or, is trying to be sexy. Or, the lights are too bright. Or, something I don’t know what but it’s a great picture.

Final Score: Japan 5, China 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Nanking Massacre

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First Japan nationalizes the Senkakus, and now they easily beat China 5-2 in a World Baseball Classic pool game. When will this saber-rattling warmongery end?

In a game strongly reminiscent of the 1937 Japanese invasion the Chinese mainland, China quickly capitulated to strong offensive and pitching performances from Japan. Kenta Maeda held the Chinese side scoreless through five innings, and a four-run Japan fifth inning kept China on the retreat.

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