Tag Archives: nudity

Washington Nationals and Their Run-ins with Crime

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Never rear-end a guy who’s head is shaped like a box.

Earlier today, Nationals manager Matt Williams was involved in a hit and run accident while giving an interview to a DC radio station. While you would think something like this is uncommon, it has in fact happened many times throughout the years to members of the Nationals. Below is a list of some of the more memorable times when Nationals players had a run in with the law while on the air.

1. While giving a phone interview while walking through downtown DC, Jordan Zimmermann’s backpack was snatched by a man running by. However Jordan was able to successfully catch the thief after getting him to slow down to a walking pace, since Jordan doesn’t allow any runs.

2. During a Skype interview in the comfort of his own home, Rafael Soriano experienced a case of breaking and entering. The criminal was successful in kidnapping Soriano’s family, after Rafael blew the chance to save them.

3. In a similar case to Williams, Wilson Ramos also dealt with a hit and run while giving an interview while driving. However unlike Williams, Ramos was critically injured, broke every bone in his body and now uses several colostomy bags.

4. In a post-game locker room interview, the entire Nationals team was cited for indecent exposure. They are now required to wear bathing suits in the shower.

5. While giving an interview together during a goodwill trip to the Middle East, Tyler Clippard and Drew Storen were arrested and sentenced to death after being mistaken for a gay couple. They were later freed and returned to the U.S., where they continue to live together, work together, and share a twin bed together.

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Nationals Win 2 out of 3 Decisions vs. Philadelphia’s Rocky Team: A Phillies Series Recap

Game 1:

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Ben Revere, breaking his spine. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 5, Phillies 2

Davey Johnson vowed to not shave his facial hair until the Nationals bats started hitting. I’m uncertain if this is some luck-based initiative, or if his kids stopped paying the night nurse and just left him on his own. Either way, I’m torn. For one, I like the Nationals hitting. But on the other hand, I like the idea of having a guy who looks like a germ-fearing Mr. Burns managing our team.

Many teams have turned to crafty veterans throughout the years to help lead their team to victory. But what about insane veterans? I think Davey should keep taking this superstition stuff further and further until the Nationals bats perform at a consistently high level. Some ideas…

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Current Nationals in Playgirl

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Hot.

Above you see (or don’t see if you cover your eyes like any reasonable person would do) Steve McCatty, mostly naked. Earlier today, Baseball Prospectus published an article detailing a 1980s Playgirl featuring Major League Baseball players and their sexy scouting reports.

Well believe it or not, magazines are still around. Including Playgirl. And I just so happened to be looking through one for more Steve McCatty pictures when I found something interesting… It turns out that a lot of the current Nationals players also posed in Playgirl, just recently. Below I’ve included some of the photos, and some of their scouting reports.

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2013 Nationals Player Profile: Denard Span

Denard Span's saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

Denard Span’s saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

On January 16, 2013, Denard Span woke up, went to the bathroom, defecated, forgot to brush his teeth, and pulled on his Lounging Robe, which is neon pink and checkered with pictures of his naked body taken from different angles. He plopped down on his couch, flipped open his laptop, and started clicking around on youtube.

Denard Span saw something on youtube. Something that would change his life forever.

He couldn’t contain himself. He tried to resist for a few minutes, but twitter was calling him with its siren tweet-song. At last, at 11:54 AM, Denard Span tweeted the following tweet:

@thisisdpsan: “I was watching some controversial stuff on YouTube about the sandy hooks thing today! It really makes u think and wonder”

It really does. It really makes me think and wonder about Denard Span, and what other odds and ends are meandering around in that crazy ol’ head of his. Continue reading

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The Kemperor’s New Clothes: Clippard Can’t See Dodger Uniforms After Surrendering Home Run

When Zimmerman returned the ball to Lannan, it read, simply, “I wish you were someone else.”

Final Scores: Nationals 3, Dodgers 1; Dodgers 7, Nationals 6.

Dame of the Games: Jordan Zimmermann: 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 4 K. After a number of bad starts recently, Jordan was back to his old tricks. And I don’t mean that trick he used to play on his mother where he would fake his own death. That was mean.

Shame of the Games: John Lannan. 3.2 IP, 6 ER, 8 H, 2 BB, 3 K.. It’s not John Lannan’s fault that he’s such a bad pitcher, really. He, like most people on this earth, is destined to an existence of never truly excelling in his field of choice. Can we really fault him for simply performing at the same level most of us do?

Yes. Hypocrisy’s never stopped me before.

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Every time I hear the word “doubleheader,” naturally the first thing I think of is two baseball games in the same day. But the second thing I think of is some kind of creature that has two heads. Any such creature could, of course, be described as a double-header.

Double-headers can be good, bad, or neutral. My feelings about yesterday’s doubleheader between the Nats and the Dodgers can thus be chronicled in terms of pictures of creatures with two heads that I deem either good, bad, or neutral. Makes sense, right?

For instance. Yesterday’s doubleheader was a single admission doubleheader (I picture a double-headed creature who has only ever admitted guilt to a single horrible crime in his life), so my ticket to the nightcap could have gotten me into both games. But due to Other Commitments, I only arrived at Nats Park after the first game had ended. At that point, the doubleheader was going quite well. The Nats had won the first game 3-1. It looked something like this:

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Drawing Stras: Short One Means Tall Pitcher, Marlins Get It

It lingered. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Marlins 1

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 H, BB, 6 K; 1-2, 2 RBI, R. Strasburg’s continued offensive success has gone from being humorous to being a statistical anomaly to being downright unsettling, in a creepy, paranormal activity kind of way. The mere fact that he’s hitting .343 in August makes me more likely to believe in ghosts.

Shame of the Game:

Justin Ruggiano: 0-4, 2K. Serves him right for continuing to have a better OPS than Stephen Strasburg. The nerve!

——-

Ah, to be young and Stephen Strasburg. To feel impervious to death, to feel like nothing can hurt you, no matter what you do. For most young people who think this, they are dangerously wrong. But for Stephen Strasburg, he’s pretty much right, dangerously so for everyone else in his way. The Marlins tried to stand in his way Sunday, or at least near his way. Then they lost. The Marlins are also young, but unlike Strasburg, they are actually mortal.

The one offensive bright spot for the Marlins was Jose Reyes, who was able to extend his hitting streak to 24 games despite facing someone who’s probably doesn’t even operate on his same plane of existence. Reyes doesn’t have have the greatest grasp of the subtleties of the English language, however, so when he was informed that he was on a “hitting streak” he immediately disrobed and ran around slapping everyone in sight.

Drew Storen earned his first save of the season with a scoreless 9th inning. It seems that Davey Johnson is now alternating closing duties between Clippard and Storen, which makes any Tippeca-Drew and Tyler Too 8th and 9th inning combination unlikely. It’s fine to keep this closer primary going for a while, but eventually a nominee needs to be chosen. They’ll inevitably end up being on the same ticket eventually–at some point the Nationals party just needs pick one for the top spot, lest Natstown be rent in twain by a nasty primary process.

The whole team needs to come together and keep their eyes on the real prize. The Rolaids Relief Man award, of course.

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The Morse Invasion: Nats Conquer Milwaukee Like It’s Iberia in 711 A.D.

I don’t know why this random guy in a Brewers jersey thinks anyone is going to pay $21 to ransom him back from Ron Roenicke. (AP Photo/Tom Lynn)

Final Score: Nationals 11, Brewers 10

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-4, HR, 2 R, 4 RBI, BB, K.

To: themilwaukeebrewers@thelowerhalfofthenlcentral.com

Subject: Re: Morse?

Message: No. No remorse.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1.2 IP, 4 ER, 5 H, 3 HR. Mattheus entered today’s sausage race as a shit sausage. Man, he was bad.

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There are few things in life more satisfying than turning off a terrible baseball game to do something more enjoyable only to turn it on later to discover that while you were away and inwardly conceding defeat, something ridiculously fantastic happened. One of the more satisfying things is actually watching those ridiculously fantastic things happen.

My personal experience with Sunday’s game was the former, but I’ll take it. When I disgustedly moved on with my afternoon, it was 7-3 Brewers in the 7th. This situation produced in me a similar emotion to that given by my subsequent action, removing some mold-covered cheese from my rot-smelling refrigerator. This refrigerator is basically a mold factory–you can’t leave food in there for more than a few minutes or it’ll start crawling with some ungodly pestilence. Sorta like leaving Ryan Mattheus in this game.

When I checked my phone for the score a considerable amount of time later, I naturally assumed the game would be long over, the Nats having settled for a series split–the most mediocre of outcomes against the most mediocre of teams.  When the score appeared as 11-9 Nats in the top of the 11th, I first paused for a few moments to ensure that my score-checking app hadn’t randomly decided to show me the results of a Nats/Brewers game from 2007 or something. But no. It had actually happened. My wrongly-colored sliced cheese had transformed from smelling like death itself to exuding the sweet scent of whatever the Nationals version of this would be. In the metaphor, at least–in real life the cheese still smelled horrible.

At first I wondered things like “how” and “who” and “why” and “will this dramatically alter the course of the future of the universe?” I’d later find out the answers (4 runs in the 8th, 2 in the 9th, 2 in the 11th/Roger Bernadina, Michael Morse, John Axford, and the eminently hateable Jose Veras/because all previous events in history had somehow contributed to predetermining this outcome in ways that are not comprehensible to humans/no), but those didn’t matter. In the end it was just another improbable win for a Nats team that seems to have no regard for probability, morality, or public nudity laws (I assume).

Let’s hope they win a few more so we can have a naked World Series parade in November.

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Where’s Your God Now, Mets Fans? RA Burns Himself In Loss

Harper briefly retired in the 1st inning, throwing away his bat. He then realized that being a baseball player probably means you have very few other real world skills, and changed his mind. (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 2.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 7 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 K. Gio got much more satisfaction out of his meeting with Dickey this time around. R.A. must’ve been taking Viagra this time or something.

Shame of the Game:

R.A. Dickey: Loss, 6 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 5 R, 4 ER, 7 K. Dickey lost for the first time in his last 12 decisions. People will surely say the decision was fixed and that the decision should have been awarded to Dickey, but those people are probably drunken boxing fans who somehow stumbled upon a baseball game.

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Trying new things can really help you live a happier life. Just look at the Nationals this season, and their decision to try winning games. I’d say everyone’s thrilled about that. Note: I don’t consider Braves, Mets, Marlins and Phillies fans important enough to be included in “everyone.” For Phillies fans in part because they’re barely people. Have you looked at some of them? Adam LaRoche took the advice to try something new today when it came to facing R.A. Dickey, by using Roger Bernadina’s bat. The result: A home run. This success using Bernadina’s lumber says to me only one thing…

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Sixth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. St. Louis College of Cardinals

Jason Motte used his World Series bonus to buy himself larger cheeks.

There are many things of which there are none in baseball. There is no crying in baseball. There is no clock in baseball. There are no women in baseball. There are no Arabs in baseball. There is no nudity in baseball, sadly. But perhaps the most important axiom in baseball–nay, in the entire English language–nay, in the history of communication–is that there are no ties in baseball.

Yet in the baseball game that took place today between the Nationals and the Cardinals, the outcome was a tie.* How did this happen? Was it because it was just a spring training game and no one cared who won? Or was it because this was a game between two teams that had reached the absolute pinnacle of baseball ability such that their perfected talents would eternally cancel each other out and prevent the game from ever being resolved? The answer is yes. Both of these. For when Carlos Maldonado hit a two-run homer off Lance Lynn to tie the game at 3 with no outs in the bottom of the ninth, everyone watching knew: this was a game that would not end, could not end, without being stopped short.

*The most notable previous exception to this rule was the 2002 All-Star Game, declared a tie after 11 innings by Commissioner Bud Selig. The occasion was later immortalized in legendary rock band Paulman Berg’s epic ballad, The Night We All Kissed Our Sisters.

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