Tag Archives: Numbers

Beastiality: Morse Forces Himself on Unwilling Phillies

 

Eury Perez hastily scrambles out of the grasp of a lustily thrusting Jeremy Horst. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Phillies 3

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-4, 2 HR, 2 R, 4 RBI. Once was not enough. His appetite is insatiable.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Cloyd: 5 IP, 6 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 4 K. His poor pitching was almost too sweet for the Nats. I might even say that its excessive pleasantness for Nationals batters was cloyding.

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And then there were three.

Three miserable little numbers, cowering in fear at the end of the road as the Natmobile careens wildly towards them, leaving a trail of crushed and crumpled numbers lying in its wake. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, and 5 are already a distant memory, and 4 now shudders its final dying twitches.

The details of the grisly affair seem almost superfluous. Number 4 was just another nameless victim of the out-of-control Natmobile. The goal is too near to worry about the particulars of the collateral damage.

At the end of the road lies the NLDS. The Natmobile is an unstoppable force, and the objects in its path are decidedly movable.

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The Moore-al of the Story: Home Runs Help Get Wins

Bryce Harper practices his right-handed golf swing. I think his hands are mixed up, though. (Jeff Zelevansky/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 3

Dame of the Game: 

Tyler Moore: 1-1, HR, 2 RBI, R. [Bonus Moore pun] Every time Moore does something good from now on, I’m going to describe it as a “Moore-ality play.” Ideally the Nats would do the same and have him battle the seven deadly sins as he rounds the bases before being greeted happily by the Virtues as he reaches home.

Shame of the Game:

Frank Francisco: 0 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, BB. San Francisco’s younger brother just never could measure up. The elder sibling became a great American city, while the younger became a bad pitcher for a bad team.

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Davey Johnson said after last night’s game that it’s “time to be looking at magic numbers.” Now, in any other context, that would be taken as the mad ramblings of a senile old man or the drugged musings of an LSD user (or in the case of Davey Johnson, probably both). I mean, “magic numbers”? Numbers tend not to have any magical properties, for two reasons: 1) they are really just abstract concepts and thus cannot have physical properties at all that could be magical, and 2) no things actually have magical properties because magic doesn’t exist. Furthermore, the idea that one could “look at” “magic numbers–things that are not viewable and couldn’t exist even if they were–seems preposterous. Continue reading

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Cubbed to Death: Nats Savagely Beat Chicago With Baseball Bats

The secret to Gio’s success: a diet of only towels.

Final Score: Nationals 9, Cubs 1

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-3, 2 HR, 2 R, 2 RBI, 2 BB. Lotta twos on that line, and only the good kind. Bryce Harper is 2 GOOD 2 BE 2RUE.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki, Michael Morse, and Jayson Werth: 0 HR last two games. C’mon, guys. You were invited to a home run party and you didn’t bring any home runs. Rude!

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It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong. I’m a pretty normal-sized man though, so I won’t. But I do believe that it’s my obligation as a Responsible Journalist to point out that two days ago, I wrote that the Nats offense was bad, bad at the very essence of its being. In the two games since I made that statement, the Nats offense has hit exactly 12 home runs. That is not bad. That is actually fairly ridiculously good.

Who are these guys, the Yankees? God I hope not. Continue reading

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Three Hit Theory: Diamondbacks’ Failure Successfully Advertised

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Dale Scott has an emotional breakdown at the beauty of Strasburg’s stuff. (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Diamondbacks 1.

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: Win, 6 IP, 1 H, 4 BB, 1 ER, 6 K. If only Strasburg was on a hits allowed limit, he would pitch well into next fall. Which is what I’m hoping, I don’t want to deal with an innings limit again next season.

Shame of the Game:

Mike Zagurski: 1 IP, 4 H, 1 BB, 4 ER, 1 K. The Diamondbacks were overall terrible, so it was tough picking out one player to shame. In the end, I just went with my personal rule; when in doubt, blame the Phillie. Zagurski had played for Phillies before in his career, and had also given up 4 earned runs in one inning tonight. I thought these two things together made him very shameful. Although let’s be honest, the former would’ve done just fine by itself.

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70 is a big number. Heck, it’s bigger than 69. 68. 67. 66. 65. 64. 63. 62. 61. 60. 59. 58. 57. 56. 55. 54. 53. 52. 51. 50. 49. 48. 47. 46. 45. 44. 43. 42. 41. 40. 39. 38. 37. 36. 35. 34. 33. 32. 31. 30. 29. 28. 27. 26. 25. 24. 23. 22. 21. 20. 19. 18. 17. 16. 15. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. Even 1. And let’s not even get started with the non-integers and negative numbers, some of which are one in the same! But I digress. The Nationals won their 70th game tonight and that’s pretty cool.

Continue reading

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