Tag Archives: old people

Nats Catch Tigers By Toe, Don’t Let Go When They Holler

Game 1:

Denard Span makes the mistake of looking into the fiery pools of unbridled hatred that are Adam LaRoche's eyes. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Denard Span makes the mistake of looking into the fiery pools of unbridled hatred that are Adam LaRoche’s eyes. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Tigers 1

This game marked a historic moment: the three billlionth anniversary of the day that Davey Johnson first clawed his way out of the primordial soup.

It was also less notable as being the first time that the Nationals have ever beaten the Tigers in a real live major league baseball game. It’s another relic of the Nationals’ embarrassing past shed, like when your mom finally incinerates your collection of Magic: The Gathering cards or when a really ugly person that you hooked up with once finally dies.

This is a new, more mature and discerning age of Nationals baseball. We can do things like beat the Tigers and have people like Jordan Zimmermann on our team, now, and people won’t think we’re getting too high above our station. We no longer have to be ashamed to exist. That’s the mark of a great baseball franchise.
Continue reading

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Whoaaa ohh no-no-no. Oh-oh-ohhh oh no-no-no: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

Image

This guy just stood there like this during the whole game. It was weird. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Braves 6, Nationals 4

Drew Storen should be using Bad Company as his entrance music. No, not the song he currently uses, but rather a song from the Sondheim musical Company, performed very badly to prepare us for the performance that Storen will then have. We could even take liberties with some lyrics to, again, better reflect Storen’s contributions to the team.

What we do without Drew? Win like we usually do.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Davey Johnson Coming Back

Image

Once Rizzo saw the back of Davey’s head, he knew he was the right man for the job.

Davey Johnson is coming to back to manage the Nationals 2013. In what always seemed like the inevitable, Davey signed a contract to remain at the team’s helm for one more year. I never thought he would go anywhere else. Since he lost his walker, and it’s very hard for a man his age to move around.

Johnson was already contracted to be an advisor to the team for 2013 and 2014, but will remain manager for one year before retiring from on-field duty and joining the front office. He cited “unfinished business” as part of the reason he chose to come back. I’m assuming this unfinished business is a constant stream of leaking urine and feces. Again, a man this old has certain troubles, in this case controlling his bowels.

All joking aside, I’m very happy to have Davey back. All joking present, I’m very happy to have Methuselah back. I have no doubt he’ll lead this team in a similarly successful way to last year.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Looking at the NLDS

Image

Look at it! Look!

The Nationals have clinched home field throughout the postseason. They are the number 1 seed in the NL, with an amazing record of 98-64. They will face the wildcard team in the first round of the playoffs. Let’s take a look at the two options, Atlanta and St. Louis, and analyze the pros and cons of each potential matchup.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ejection Day: Ryan is Wrong for Washington

Image

Dan Uggla? I’m so sorry. (Photo by Mike Zarrilli/Getty Images)

(A note: Sorry for the delay for this post. I’ve been experiencing bad allergies that have kept me from functioning properly. Maybe I’m allergic to horrible failure by the Nationals. The allergies did just start on Friday.)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 2 RBI. LaRoche reached the 30 HR plateau on Saturday. I’m impressed he’s able to accomplish a task that requires such consistency, considering his affliction. No, I’m not referring to his ADHD. I’m referring

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: Loss, 1 H, 2 BB, 1 HBP, 1 ER. Mattheus could not find the strike zone. He’d make a good umpire after retirement, not knowing where the strike zone is and all.

———-

The elderly get no respect from those who are in charge. First it’s politicians trying to cut their health services. Then it’s Bingo hall attendants who won’t give them that Bingo just cause they’re playing with too many cards which is apparently unfair. They want that banana pudding, damn you! And now, it’s umpires. I’m sure when Davey Johnson came out of the dugout to protest that play at first, the umpires simply thought he was confused and lost. But he had a point he needed to make. One that wasn’t about walking to school 15 miles, uphill both ways. And what happened? He was ejected.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

When He Won 17, It Was a Very Good Game: Cards Fall (Further) Into (2nd) Place

Image

Gio did so well thanks to his lucky hat. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 10, Cardinals 0.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 9 IP, 5 H, 3 BB, 0 R, 8 K. Gio is a rock. And more of a stalagmite than a stalactite. He rises up on a daily basis, and doesn’t hang things at all.

Shame of the Game:

Adam Wainwright: Loss, 2.2 IP, 9 H, 3 BB, 6 ER, 3 K. Clearly, starting Adam was the Wainwrong decision for the Cardinals.

———-

The Cardinals are what everyone has been hoping for. Except some christian boys, they’ve already been traumatized quite a bit. Since coming into Washington, St. Louis has been outscored 18-1. What can we use to explain this offensive showing? Has Mark McGwire been peddling PEDs to the team? No, probably not. He has bad knees, so pedaling can be painful. Maybe it’s just the rejuvenated feeling of coming home again after a bad road trip. Only when I come home after going on the road, I’m exhausted and usually just sleep and ignore my obligations. That’s why I’m not playing baseball I suppose. Or doing anything gainful.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Kyle’s Team is a Big Fat Bitch, it’s the Biggest Bitch in the Whole Wide League

Image

Tyler Moore happily trots away after kicking Kyle Kendrick in the nuts. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-1, 1 R, 1 HR, 2 RBI. Tyler was the only National who seemed to think scoring was an appealing idea. I didn’t know this was a team of eunuchs. Although I assumed Gorzelanny might have just cut his off by now since nobody ever uses it.

Shame of the Game:

The MASN Broadcast. Usually a quality broadcast, I must complain that they didn’t blur out obscene content tonight. Sure there’s a lot of them, but when there’s something as shockingly grotesque as Phillies fans’ faces being shown left and right you really have to step up and censor them. Think of the children.

———-

Tonight, the Nationals came into Philadelphia and lost. I guess the phrase “it’s always sunny in Philadelphia” doesn’t hold true for Nats fans. Not only because the game was depressing, but also because it took place at night and the sun isn’t there at night. I wonder what other phrases related to Philadelphia are just bald-faced lies. How about, “The City of Brotherly Love.” Hmm, no that sounds about right. I mean without incest, how would Phillies fans look so deformed.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Roger Clemens is Back in “Baseball”

Image

An up-to-date photo of Roger.

Roger Clemens has signed with the independent league Sugar Land Skeeters, and will likely pitch this Saturday. People are unsure as to why Clemens, 50, is making a comeback at this time. Is it for publicity? Is it for a comeback? Or is it cause he needs to be around people to help chew his food for him so he can swallow it?

It’s exciting to see Roger Clemens back in baseball. Apparently he was throwing 87 mph, which makes him much too good for the independent leagues, so he will likely succeed.

People are curious as to if Clemens wants to make a major league comeback, if only briefly, to reset his Hall of Fame chances. He’s currently grouped in with a class that includes Barry Bonds and other players suspect for their steroid use. By playing professional ball again, he could delay his potential induction by a few years, and perhaps sneak his way in. If not, he could just actually sneak his way in and hold up a handmade plaque around his face during visiting hours.

Tagged , , , ,

Tasty Morsels: Homers Help Nats Chow Down on Houston

Lucas Harrell forgot his sled, and the fact that it wasn’t snowing, and the fact that he was supposed to be pitching. But he’s persistent. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Astros 0

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-3, 2 HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, K. Morse’s first home run was a tape measure shot, and I don’t mean everyone’s favorite drink where you grind up a tape measure and mix it with vodka.

Shame of the Game:

The Houston Astros franchise. It doesn’t get much more shameful than playing for them, or being otherwise employed by them, or hoping they’ll win.

——–

On Sunday night, the Astros probably lay in bed thinking “man, the only way this season could get worse is if we got swept by the Nationals.” Not just because such an outcome would be demoralizing, but also because literally the only result of a four game series that would actually cause the Astros’ winning percentage to go down significantly would be a sweep.

The Astros’ season just got worse.

It’s pretty sad. Beating the Astros is kinda like walking down the street and shoving children into oncoming traffic. Or assassinating┬ásomeone who’s already hanging from a noose. Or setting a retirement home on fire. Or telling Tom Gorzelanny’s date that he has an STD. Just cruel. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mile Low Showing: Trip Out West Gets Off To a Rockie Start (LOL)

Image

“Come on Jesus, just lie down and look at the clouds with me!” (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Rockies 4, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Jesus Flores: 3-4, 2 R, 1 2B. High altitudes clearly work well for Jesus. Either that or playing in a ballpark named after a beer. So there are two things to consider. Either Flores has a similar physical makeup to Kenyan marathon runners and thus excels with less available air, or that he drank so much Coors that the urgent feeling of needing to pee coupled with the drunken mindset that made him forget how to use a bathroom made him play with an increased urgency all game. He sure doesn’t look like a Kenyan marathon runner.

Shame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 0-3, 2 HBP. Not only did Danny go hitless today, but he clearly broke some ancient religious law and was sentenced to being stoned. The Rockies didn’t have stones handy, but they just turned up the level in the humidor so the baseballs felt harder.

———-

Tonight, the first game of a 4-game series between the Nats and Rockies, had a story behind it that could be easily made into a movie. In fact…I think I’ll do just that. I’ll call it…

“Rockie.” The story of a rags to riches Nationals team, a team nobody expected to compete with the big guys the way they have. They find a tough opponent in the form of the heavyweight champion Rockies (who are only the champions at weighing a heavy amount because of Giambi’s giant gut). The Nationals have been trained and led by a relic of the past, Davey Johnson, a man who used to be a big deal in probably the 20s or something. Point is, he’s old, and nobody else thought he’d be of much value. But the Nats have proven everyone wrong by making it to this point.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,