Tag Archives: opium

The ‘Kakis a Lie: 11th Inning Homer Portals Orioles Over Nats

“Ha ha, you hit yourself in the face with a bat.” (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 8 K. 8 innings, 8 strikeouts, 8 wives, or at least he deserves that many after this game.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 1 ER, 1 HR, 1 H, Loss. Mattheus coughed up the game winner like a disgusting ball of orange phlegm, feathers and a hint of crab cakes.

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The storyline of this first Battle of the Beltway of 2012 was clear: whenever Baltimore and Washington have played each other in the past, they have both been miserable excuses for baseball teams. Watching these events used to be roughly as uncomfortable as watching sumo wrestling at the paralympics. But this year, both teams came into the the series at or near the top of their respective divisions. For those of you who don’t fully understand how awful the Nationals and Orioles were, this turn of events is about as ¬†drastic as if the two greatest world economic powers suddenly became Greece and Afghanistan. Whereas in the past watching the Nats and O’s would either make you want to loan them huge sums of money out of pity or invade them out of anger, now they make you want to celebrate by eating gyros and smoking opium.¬† Continue reading

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