Tag Archives: organs

I Left My Steroids in San Francisco: Nats Are Going Home To City Not By a Bay With a Win

Time Lincecum would have had to hold his glove up a little higher to effectively hide the fact that he was sleeping. Also, he would have had to not be the starting pitcher of an ongoing baseball game.  (AP Photo/Jeff Chiu)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Giants 4

Dame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 2-4, HR, 2B, 2 RBI, R, 2 K. Once upon a time, Danny Epinosa was having a horrible season. Now he’s having a league average season. And he lived average-happiness-level-ly ever after.

Shame of the Game:

Melky Cabrera. While he was not technically in this game, this is retroactive to all previous games he played against the Nats when he was cheating. No one cheats against the Nats and gets away with it. No one except the people who haven’t gotten caught, that is.

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It shouldn’t come as that big of a surprise that so many Giants take steroids. Barry Bonds, Guillermo Mota (#s 2 and 1 in historical importance to the franchise, respectively) and now Melky Cabrera. It’s been right under our noses this whole time. Right there in the name, in fact. What is a giant if not a man using a ton of steroids? How do you think all the famous giants of myth and legend got so big?

Did Atlas just wake up one day and realize he could lift the entire planet? No, he obviously pumped himself full of man-power-juice, then did some crazy workouts Paul Ryan-style, then grabbed the earth and put it on his shoulders. How did Polyphemus become enormous and mutate himself into only having one eye? A strict diet of pure testosterone, raw vegetables, and raw sheep. Duh. And the Big Friendly Giant? Not so friendly when the roid rage hits.

Which is all by way of saying that of course the Giants are on steroids. Melky was caught, but I have little doubt that the rest of them have some kind of unnatural substances swimming around their veins. Or else they would have changed their team name already. Continue reading

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Where’s Your God Now, Mets Fans? RA Burns Himself In Loss

Harper briefly retired in the 1st inning, throwing away his bat. He then realized that being a baseball player probably means you have very few other real world skills, and changed his mind. (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 2.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 7 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 K. Gio got much more satisfaction out of his meeting with Dickey this time around. R.A. must’ve been taking Viagra this time or something.

Shame of the Game:

R.A. Dickey: Loss, 6 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 5 R, 4 ER, 7 K. Dickey lost for the first time in his last 12 decisions. People will surely say the decision was fixed and that the decision should have been awarded to Dickey, but those people are probably drunken boxing fans who somehow stumbled upon a baseball game.

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Trying new things can really help you live a happier life. Just look at the Nationals this season, and their decision to try winning games. I’d say everyone’s thrilled about that. Note: I don’t consider Braves, Mets, Marlins and Phillies fans important enough to be included in “everyone.” For Phillies fans in part because they’re barely people. Have you looked at some of them? Adam LaRoche took the advice to try something new today when it came to facing R.A. Dickey, by using Roger Bernadina’s bat. The result: A home run. This success using Bernadina’s lumber says to me only one thing…

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