Tag Archives: Ozzie Guillen

Davey Johnson Wins Manager of the Year


Move over Jack Strumski.

Davey Johnson has won something for the second time today. Everyday he wins the battle vs. Death, but today he won something special additionally. Davey took home Manager of the Year honors for the 2nd time in his career, having done so in Baltimore in 1997.

Davey beat out Dusty Baker, Bruce Bochy, and a few others who received votes. While Baker famously had a stroke this season, it was not a stroke of luck. His poor fortune continues with losing this award. Bochy’s style of ball got praise from all around the league, but insisting on using bocce balls during BP because of the similar sounding name lost him some votes. And some lives of his players. Ozzie Guillen was also considered for the award, until people realized he managed a chop shop instead of a baseball team.

Billy Beane Bob Melvin took home the award in the AL, having led the A’s to the ALDS. His listening to what Beane told him good managing skills were considered the tops in the AL in a close race. Oakland really would not have done well without Beane Melvin. It’s an award not well deserved for Melvin.

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Your First Place 2012 Washington Nationals Men’s Gymnastics Team


The Nationals showing off their new alternate uniforms.

Rookie hazing is a part of baseball. It’s kind of like fraternity hazing, only there’s a lot less alcohol involved. Unless you’re a member of the Houston Astros, where that is the only thing to numb the harsh reality that you’re a Houston Astro. Thanks to a tweet from Gio Gonzalez, we found out just how the Nationals are hazing their rookies; by making them dress up as the 2012 USA women’s Olympic gymnastics team.

Well now just who is who? Which National is which Gold Medalist Olympian?

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Marlins Brand ‘o Baseball: Nats Shot Down by Fish ‘n (Bat) Barrels


Either special camera effects were used to capture this photo, or Edwin Jackson is actually a set of ghost triplets. And I doubt technology is that good yet. (Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Final Score: Marlins 5, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-3, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Zim made the Marlins GIR in anger. However, Miami had Dibs on this game, and came out Tak-ing on another win while leaving the Nats tasting (Ms.) Bitters.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Loss, 5 IP, 6 H, 2 BB, 4 ER, 1 K. Edwin was wrecked worse than the 1816 ship of the same name. Also similarly to the shipwreck, aborigines took advantage and stole the Nationals postgame meal, and left the players to suffer on their way back to the team bus. Tom Gorzelanny collapsed from exhaustion.


There was no obvious controversy today like the Harper-Guillen bat issue. Today’s game was a much more boring one than previous ones this series. I mean everything was pretty much expected. Henry Rodriguez had control, Carlos Zambrano pitched a quality start, and the Marlins had 30,000 people in attendance. All things we have come to expect to happen so often! It’s like today was just the perfect encapsulation of everything we have come to know in baseball. Danny Espinosa got 3 hits again, Carlos Lee was a valuable asset out of the three spot in the lineup, and Heath Bell pitched a scoreless inning. Again, all anticipated. It’s like we didn’t need to watch this game at all. In fact, we probably shouldn’t have, because it was awful.

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Miami’s Vice: Not Scoring Runs

Bryce Harper and Steve Lombardozzi really wanted people to know that they do NOT enjoy touching each other. The ladies doth protest too much, methinks. (AP Photo/Alan Diaz)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Marlins 0

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 H, BB, 7 K; 1-1, R, BB. The last time I took a quick look at Strasburg’s hitting, he was rather absurdly 4th in the league in OPS for people with at least his number of plate appearances. Just thought I’d give you a quick update: he has now moved up to 3rd in all of baseball. Figured you’d want your day to be a little more confusing.

Shame of the Game:

Ricky Nolasco: 5.1 IP, 4 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 2 K. I don’t know this for sure, but I’m gonna guess that Ricky’s last name is a shortened version of an old family company called ‘N Ol’ Ass, Co. Which was probably not successful. Like this start.


Sunday was Star Wars day at Marlins Park, which included your average Star Wars day festivities like Darth Vadar throwing out the first pitch. But if the Marlins were trying to be the Rebel Alliance, then this battle was more Hoth than Endor. Worse than that, even–Stephen Strasburg and the Nats bullpen didn’t let the Marlins take down one single AT-AT in the 4-0 shutout. Hopefully, this resulted in Ozzie Guillen being frozen in carbonite after the game.

Why am I so keen on seeing Guillen in a perpetual state of terror, mouth agape but no words able to emerge? On Sunday, he directed his particular brand of bad-word-ridden, borderline-psychotic nonsense at the Nationals, specifically one Bryce Harper. Apparently, Guillen decided that Harper had applied pine tar slightly too far up his bat and notified the umpires, who told Harper to change bats. Then, Guillen began complaining about “something” that Harper did with his bat the next time he was up, but he “didn’t want to tell” us what it was. I guess there are several possibilities: Continue reading

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Zambrano-a-mano: Ankiel Powers Nats As Other Bats Fall Silent


Storen watching today's action. He won't take the ball until Johnson says "OK." He's a very well trained man.
(AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Final Score: Nationals 2, Marlins 0.

Dame of the Game:

CO-WINNERS! OH MY GOD CO-WINNERS! It was just too hard to pick today so we’re pulling a little league award ceremony move and giving a bunch of people trophies.

Ross Detwiler: 6 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 7 K, 0 R. The Rottwiler is clearly trained very poorly because he shat all over the Marlins players today. While dog shit is often frowned upon, the Nationals quite appreciated it today. Detwiler was given a big steak, had his belly rubbed by Mike Rizzo, and was presented with a bunch of female dogs to hump as he pleased. Things got awkward…

Rick Ankiel: 3-3, 2 R, 1 HR, 1 2B, 1 RBI. Ankiel was the only good thing about the offense today, nearly single handedly helping the team to victory. His “bat” “came” in handy early, as “The Excessive Masturbator” jacked one out. He also had a celebratory masturbation session after the game.

Shame of the Game:

The Nationals Offense Minus Rick Ankiel: 1-25, 1 BB, 1 RBI, 8 K. Carlos Zambrano manhandled this team worse than his own career, throwing 7 perfect innings to all those who weren’t named Ankiel. To those who were named Ankiel, Zambrano threw a nice exclusive get together with an open bar. How nice of him.

Let’s look at today’s game and say what was good about it.

  • The Starting Pitching
  • The Bullpen

Let’s look at today’s game and say what was bad about it.

  • The Offense

Let’s look at the two “let’s look ats” above this “let’s look at” and say how many games it could apply to this season.

  • Pretty much every one.
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