Tag Archives: pain

Welcome to Soriano’s Inferno

"How much do cross the River Styx, sir?" "Oh, that'll be $28 million."

“How much to cross the River Styx, sir?” “Oh, that’ll be $28 million.”

Natstown, this is a public service announcement. You have less than three months to build yourself a sealed bunker, stock up on canned yams, completely cut yourself off from news of the outside world, and invest in some high-powered air conditioning. Or better yet, just cryogenically freeze yourself for the next two-three years.

Rafael Soriano is about to turn this city into a living hell. Continue reading

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Corey Brown

Corey Brown gets ready for his first day of middle school (he was held back a lot).

Corey Brown is the most consistent player on the Nationals. Last year, he was 0-3. This year, he’s 0-3.

Consistency is a lifestyle for Corey. He is a firm believer that keeping to a regular schedule is the best way to maintain his sanity in this crazy world.

For instance, every morning, he wakes up three minutes too late and misses his bus. As he walks out his door, he always stubs his toe on the slightly protruding doorframe. For lunch, he makes himself a grilled cheese sandwich that he burns just enough so it tastes bad. He gets in the shower before the water heats up enough every time, and invariably has to jump out again, shivering. When he has sex with girls after games, he makes sure they’re 14 years old.

Gotta be consistent. Can’t start changing up the age of girls he has sex with now. Who knows what might happen.

One might accuse Corey Brown of not learning from his mistakes. But there’s something admirable about staying true to yourself, not abandoning the way you do things just because it’s inconvenient, painful, unpleasant, or illegal.

Or useless to the Nationals. Here’s to another 0-3 season in 2013.

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Hanging Chad: Tracy Injured, Corey Brown Called Up

Chad Tracy, before pain replaced smiles

When Corey Brown strode to the plate this afternoon with two outs and no one on in the 9th, Nationals fans everywhere were shocked and appalled. Many looked to the heavens and screeched. Many covered their eyes with a pillow and said “No no no no no no no bad bad bad bad.” Other simply went to the bathroom and never emerged. Where was Chad Tracy, who would typically pinch hit in that situation and somehow deliver a two-run game tying home run? Well, the answer is worse than could possibly be imagined. Or probably what you expected, if you’re a rational person. Chad Tracy is on the Disabled List with a pulled hamstring. I know. I know. It’s okay. It’ll all be okay. IT WON’T BE OKAY I KNOW IT YOU KNOW IT EVERYONE KNOWS IT. DOOMSDAY IS UPON US. PUT YOUR FAMILIES IN THE BASEMENT AND SAY GOODBYE FOREVER.

Did Corey Brown succeed in Tracy’s absence? No, he flew out. Not surprising, since as everyone knows the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are Pestilence, War, Death, and Corey Brown Flying Out.

 

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Sandy Leon

Five days later, the now-legendary Leon-Solano staring contest was called a draw when someone finally noticed that the two catchers were missing from normal team activities.

Sandy Leon is a promising young catcher who showed some batting skill in AA Harrisburg this year and figures to play an important role for the Nationals in the wake of the injury to Wilson –aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH OH SWEET MOTHER OF HANDS WRITERS CRAMP. OHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD FUCK ME ON A TURNSTILE THAT HURTS SO  MUCH SOMEONE PLEASE SHOVE MY HEAD IN A BUCKET OF LAVA TO DISTRACT ME FROM THAT PAIN MAYBE I WILL WRITE MORE ABOUT SANDY LEON IN A FEW MONTHS WHEN I RECOVER FROM THIS HELLSPAWNED MUSCLE MISERY OR MAYBE NEVER BECAUSE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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