Tag Archives: parties

Cuba Lib-hooray: Cubans Can Have A-Pool Party After Win

As per tradition, representatives from each team thumb-wrestle to decide who gets home field advantage.

As per tradition, representatives from each team thumb-wrestle to decide who gets home field advantage.

Final Score: Cuba 6, Japan 3

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: A hypothetical future war to the death between Cuba and Japan

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The vast majority of MLB.com’s game summary headlines are pretty dumb, especially compared to The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s headlines, which never fail to reach the pinnacle of cleverness (like the one on this very post). Sometimes MLB.com’s are pretty unintentionally funny, though. Take the headline for this game: “Opening Statement: Cuba Sinks Japan to End First Round.”

The first half of the headline is, as usual, a useless semi-applicable figure of speech. But the second half, taken literally, is amazing.

Picture it: the year is 2113. Japan and Cuba are locked in a deadly conflict that has so offended both sides’ honor that everyone knows the only way for the war to end is for one nation to be completely annihilated. Neither state has nuclear weapons, but they are locked in an arms race to develop a weapon even more powerful…the Island-Sinker. Continue reading

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After Loss to Atlanta, Nats Need to Take Mylanta

Roger Bernadina takes a nap and tries to wrap his arm around his girlfriend next to him, only to realize that she left him months ago for Rick Ankiel. (AP Photo/John Bazemore)

Final Score: Braves 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 H, 1 BB, 5 K. New nickname to add to his pile of nicknames: the Rosselot (Sir Rosselot?). Is Ross more catlike or doglike? You decide.

Shame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 0-4, 2 K, Walk-Off Error. For Desmond’s 15th error of the year, let’s throw him a quinceanera party where everything goes wrong. Poisoned food, balloons that pop as soon as you inflate them, guests that thought they were going to an actual quinceanera party for one of their friends’ daughters, a cake that says “Congratulations on your latest failure!”, Ian Desmond’s presence.

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This was a banner game for Nationals that I hate. Ian Desmond and Sean Burnett, two players who have on the whole redeemed themselves considerably in my usually-unforgiving eyes, combined to produce a bottom of the 9th that justified every negative thing I’ve ever said about them. First Sean fucked. Then Ian sucked. I shall henceforth refer to these two unsavory individuals as the Fuck-Suck Duo. Coming soon to an Independent League/brothel near you.

I can’t complain too much about them while the Nats are still 7.5 games up in the division and seemingly have their playoff spot locked up. Wait, they just lost again? WELL FUCK YOU SEAN AND IAN, FUCK YOU IN WHATEVER PLACE YOU LEAST WANT IT.

…ahem.

Let me take a moment to talk about Kris Medlen and his 13 strikeouts and continued sub-1 ERA as a starter.

Okay, the moment’s passed. Phew, that was an unpleasant conversation.

I have to say, as we head into the last half of September, I’m running out of jokes to make about this Nationals team. There’s only so many times I can make different versions of the same joke about–

Wait, I got one. Continue reading

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Welcome Back Tyler Moore!

Tyler’s return party had some weird decorations.

Another Nationals catcher is injured, and that means it’s time to paaaaaaaaaaartyyyyyyyyyy!!!! If you’re Tyler Moore, that is. Tyler was recalled up to the Nationals after Carlos Maldonado caught the midnight train to the DL, hoping for a reprise of his mind-blowing 3-19 showing the last time he was here. Or maybe even something slightly better!

Actually, Tyler tore up AAA like a bad report card in his brief minors stint, going 9-21 with 20 total bases. It’s only a matter of time before that vaunted strength is unleashed to help the big league club. Even though Davey Johnson probably won’t give him any at-bats, he can at least help move furniture and open jars of salsa for the rest of the team.

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