Tag Archives: Phillies fans

An Anthropological Study of the Phillie Fan: A Loss for the Nationals, a Gain for Science

Phillie fans amuse themselves by watching the “Phillies” (for which they are named) play a game on this field involving bases, balls, and men.

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game: 

The 2-3 Phillie fans who weren’t horrible to me.

Shame of the Game:

The rest of the Phillie fans.


Much has been written of the Phillie fan, that savage creature that has for so long invaded and pillaged the beautiful lands of Navy Yard. Our understanding of these people, however, is colored largely by their behavior while on these raids into our homeland. We know little of the social mores and culture of their native land. Our opinion of the Phillie fan may well have been biased by only observing them in their most aggressive state.

In order to right this scientific injustice, I embarked on a journey to Citizens Bank Park in the distant nation of Philadelphia to gain a greater understanding of the Phillie fan and its society. What follows are my findings, obtained at no small risk to my personal well-being.
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Take Back the Park: A Manifesto

A specter is haunting Nationals Park. For many years, this specter has suffused the air over Navy Yard, seeping into every crack in the concrete, every blade of outfield grass, every droplet of already-filthy Potomac water, every pore of the skin of every resident of Southeast Washingon, DC. Nationals fans have suffered under this yoke, struggling to show the even faintest hint of Nationals pride in the face of the blackness. You know the specter of which I speak. It is Philadelphia Phillies and their fans.

The Nationals had barely settled into their new home of Washington, DC when the inphidels arrived. Imagine the scene: a wholesome, innocent family of Nats fans goes to Nationals Park, hoping to take in a Nats-Phillies game. But as they walk through the gates, they are greeted not with the smiling faces of fellow Nats fans but with the leering glares of something far more horrible. These monstrous creatures wear red–not the red of patriotic Nationalsism  but the scarlet red of a bloodthirsty horde. The young daughter of the family asks, terrified, “Daddy…who are they?” The bloods has drained from her father’s face. “They are…Phillies fans.” He gathers his family and escorts them swiftly out of the stadium. The Nationals are left to play in front of a mob of hateful foreigners in their own ballpark.

Nationals fans, this oppression has gone on for far too long. For too many summers, our city has been forced to endure the occpation of a foreign power. For too many seasons, we have suffered the indignity of being referred to by the denizens of Philadelphia as “Citizens Bank South.” For too many series, our boys have fallen in defeat, abandoned by their fans and left to the mercy of our merciless overlords. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! The time has come to shatter the chains that bind us. To take the fight back to the City of Brotherly Hate and reclaim our homeland. To Take Back the Park. Continue reading

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Gio-Thermal Energy: An Efficient, Environmentally-Friendly Alternative to Oil, Coal, and Tom Gorzelanny

It was a lovely day for ruining the days of Phillies fans.

Final Score: Nationals 7, Phillies 1

Dame of the Game:

Jayson Werth: 2-4, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, K. Gio was awesome, but Werth did the most satisfying thing of the day: hitting a three run homer of Vance Worley that cut off the tongues (figuratively, sadly) of the Phillies fans who had been taunting him all game. Speaking of which,

Shame of the Game:

Phillies fans. During the offseason, it’s easy to think to yourself “You know, Phillies fans are people too. They have spouses and children and and beer that they love just as much as the rest of us. I’m sure they’re all basically good at heart and I’ve just exaggerated how terrible they are in my mind.” Then you see a particularly loud, obnoxious and drunk one shoving a “CB South” sign in your face and you remember that some stereotypes are true.


The Zimmerman(n) Telegram was back for more Natitude[sic] Park this afternoon, so I hope you’re ready for another photo-based game summary. Cause here it comes, hot, steaming and in colorful.

After last night’s toenail biter (we ran out of fingernails by the 10th), today’s game was like receiving a massage while watching a beautiful sunset. In this metaphor, it was Jayson Werth, Chad Tracy and Ian Desmond’s powerful hands that kneaded my muscles with home runs while Gio Gonzalez’s smiling head sank slowly below the horizon, leaving a National-red hue in its wake.  Today’s game could hardly have been pleasanter…except for one extremely upsetting event. Continue reading

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