Tag Archives: pigs

Maple Leafs Ragged: USA Tops Neighbor to North Which is Ironic Because of Geography

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I’m unsure if this is the same animal that the U.S. and Canada fought over, or John Lackey.

Final Score: USA 9, Canada 4.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Pig War.

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Pigs. No matter if you’re a normal guy just eating them, or if you’re mark Mark Teixeira and they’re throwing at you high and inside, pigs have a great impact on our lives. So great that the United States and Canada thought they should fight a war because of one. Ok, well maybe it was actually a conflict over disputed islands that was set off because of the death of a pig. But I think it’s a lot less embarrassing to say you were fighting over a pig, because bacon tastes delicious and islands do not.

In 1859, a Northwestern American farmer named Lyman Cutlar found a pig in the garden, eating his tubers. If this doesn’t sound like the start of a softcore porn movie, I don’t know what does. So Cutlar killed the pig. Turns out the pig was owned by an Irishman located in Canadian lands just across the border, who was quite upset. Cutlar offered him $10 to replace the pig, the Irishman demanded $100, and the United States and British-controlled Canada went to war. You know, the traditional way things go when a pig is killed.

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Great Moments in Nationals Sign-Making History

Here at the Zimmerman(n) Telegram, we take pride in making a new and unique sign whenever we attend a Nationals game. Given today is the worst day in all of sports with absolutely nothing going on, I thought it would be good to show you some of our signs that we have shown off at Nationals games.

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Brad Lidge’s Mediocre Opening Day Sacrifice Deemed Barely Sufficient by Gods

As we previously discussed, ever since a certain incident involving Albert Pujols, Brad Lidge has been a devout polytheist. Before every game he makes a sacrifice to Poseidon, god of the sea, earthquakes, horses, and the 9th inning. The morning of opening day, Lidge took his portable sacrificial alter, snuck it into the bathroom in the Wrigley Field clubhouse, and unsheathed his ceremonial dagger. The slaughteree: some really old pig with weird spots and a hacking cough that looked like it was about to die anyway.

I wouldn't really want this sacrificed in my name.

That uddered monstrosity was good enough, as Lidge ended up getting the save. Poseidon would clearly like better things from Lidge in the future, though. With one out in the bottom of the ninth, he imbued Ian Stewart with the power to crush a ball to right field, but then took pity on poor Lidge and nudged the wind to push the ball just enough back towards the field for Jayson Werth to horribly misplay it into a triple. Stewart was cut down at home on the next play, and the Sea Lord mercifully granted Lidge a save and the Nats a win.

Try and sacrifice something less horribly ugly next time, Brad. Poseidon might not be so forgiving again.

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